I've had enough...It's like a stuck record!

Hello everyone.

I am so fed up. I had an appointment this week with my CPN and all I did was cry, because I'm just not in a good place right now. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression and anxiety. I suffer quite bad with disturbing intrusive thoughts, I have also been known to self harm. I was honest with my CPN and told her that my thoughts are really bad at the moment and that they have changed to breaking the law, not because I am a bad person but because I would be better in jail, out of people's way.
I feel depressed and my anxiety is really bad because of the thoughts, I told her that It would help if I could have a couple of weeks script of Diazepam until my thoughts and depression die down a bit. I also told her that I am really unhappy on my anti psychotics because I am getting fatter and fatter and I have started starving myself. She said when she gets back to the office she would speak to my psychiatrist to see if I can get an emergency appointment and discus my medication. She called me the next day and said my Dr said that I was intelligent enough not to carry out my thoughts, that it's all my responsibility and it's all down to me! I couldn't believe it, I just started crying on the phone and hung up on her.
So now it's got my mind racing and I'm wondering what the hell is the point?!? They say my condition isn't psychiatric but psychological so what's the point in a psychiatrist? And what is the point in being on ant psychotics that are just making me completely unhappy? They make it sound like it's all my fault, like it's my problem and there is nothing they can do to help me because it's a part of me, a part of my personality. It just enforces my negative thoughts when they say things like that, it makes me feel bad for wasting people's time and guilty for when I have had bad periods in my life, like I can control it or do it on purpose.
The appointment is made for next Thursday with my shrink and CPN and I know it's not going to go well, the minute they start saying that it's down to me I will just walk out. To be honest I'm tempting just to go for getting off the meds and then never seeing them again. Can you discharge yourself from services?
I just don't know what to think or do anymore. I feel so bad and guilty and like a total waste.

wow you sound like you are struggling at the moment. its not your fault at all its in your biological makeup, we can not help the people we are some of us are more senstive than others,you are such a person, can you consult with someone different if the current practitioner is not being helpful? if you can see someone else. you are in a bit of a hole please do not hurt yourself or do anything to get yourself in trouble, do you have family who could be with you right now? life will get better so stick with it and take care of you blessings

Hi, thank you for your reply. I have an appointment on Thursday and I really don't want to go. There is my therapist I can speak to, I am seeing her on Wednesday, she's about the only person I can think of. I just don't don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm tempted to just tell everyone that I'm absolutely fine.

No, don`t do that. Tell them exactly how you feel from your thoughts to the weight gain getting you down. They are there to support and help you. That`s what the NHS is for.
Hope you feel better soon .