Struggling with Pedophile OCD

Hello all,

I felt it was worth making a post since I've seen this board really help people out over the last few years when I've struggled with anxiety.

Since the birth of my daughter about a year ago, I've struggled with all the typical traits of Pedophile OCD. It's seemingly made worse as my job involves a lot of reading/writing about child abuse (and other felonies) so it feels like I'm never far away from it.

This most recent episode has got me feeling like I finally need to seek professional help, but I wanted to vent here and see if anyone else has struggled with this:

The other night I masturbated, went upstairs, wiped off and changed clothes. I went to sleep around 12:30 a.m. and woke up to pee sometime during the night. Around 6:50 a.m. I got up to sooth a crying baby. I noticed her pacifer was out and picked up and as I went to put it back in her mouth, wondered what if there is semen on this pacifer? (Just writing this is putting me in knots).

I quickly wiped it on her shirt and put the pacifer in her mouth (thinking that the OCD book I have is to accept these awful thoughts).

I walk back to bed and try to fall back asleep and the worst panic attack I've had in some time hits. I'm sure people know the awful feeling: pounding heart, stomach in knots, etc. I went into the bathroom and told myself, "No, this is just your anxiety."


I don't remember my hand being wet or sticky or even seeing anything on the pacifer (which I replaced just seconds later) but I felt all day like I'm some kind of monster, like I don't need to live if I did this to my precious daughter.

My wife has been more than understanding in dealing with my anxiety, and after embarrassingly recounting all my evening in detail, she thinks this is something not even worth worrying over. IF anything was "down there," she says, it was a molecule.

She's worked with abused kids and I asked her if I needed to be reported to DHS or police and she just scoffs.

But I can't get it out of my mind that I "fed" my daughter semen/urine. I just feel like I've committed child abuse and each day has just been a knot-filled anguish. I don't know if I've ever been this low.

Just looking at my daughter I gives me the worst feelings of being a failed father and an abuser.

Does anyone have any help of what/where to go next?

Many thanks,
OCDWorrier