I'm constantly living in fear and I can't cope anymore

I've suffered for so long now. Over 16 years almost and I am getting worse, especially this year. I paid private for a mental health evaluation and turns out I have Depression, severe Health Anxiety, and severe OCD (several types), which is fear of being contaminated with poison. Example if I pick up something, like washing powder then I eat something after, I think I forgot to wash my hands and then I fear that I've poisoned myself and then I go insane. I pace up and down, I make myself vomit..I am literally a mess. Another fear is choking on food, despite never choked on food before, I would faf about with meat and fish to ensure there's no bones in them and when I 'feel' like I swallowed a sharp bone, I immediately lose my appetite and throw my food in the bin and start to become irrational. Another fear is taking medication and cardiophobia. I am not sure where my OCD tenancies has stemmed from it probably came from health anxiety but I am literally beginning to give up. I constantly have heartburn, tiredness and sadness because of my symptoms and irrational thoughts. I am crying almost every day. I can't function properly, my child is neglected because I am always over thinking. My family think I'm crazy for thinking these ridiculous thoughts and my GP, I could hear it in her voice that I am wasting her time she just told me to meditate. I've tried all of those things!

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Originally Posted by Anxietysufferer92

I've suffered for so long now. Over 16 years almost and I am getting worse, especially this year. I paid private for a mental health evaluation and turns out I have Depression, severe Health Anxiety, and severe OCD (several types), which is fear of being contaminated with poison. Example if I pick up something, like washing powder then I eat something after, I think I forgot to wash my hands and then I fear that I've poisoned myself and then I go insane. I pace up and down, I make myself vomit..I am literally a mess. Another fear is choking on food, despite never choked on food before, I would faf about with meat and fish to ensure there's no bones in them and when I 'feel' like I swallowed a sharp bone, I immediately lose my appetite and throw my food in the bin and start to become irrational. Another fear is taking medication and cardiophobia. I am not sure where my OCD tenancies has stemmed from it probably came from health anxiety but I am literally beginning to give up. I constantly have heartburn, tiredness and sadness because of my symptoms and irrational thoughts. I am crying almost every day. I can't function properly, my child is neglected because I am always over thinking. My family think I'm crazy for thinking these ridiculous thoughts and my GP, I could hear it in her voice that I am wasting her time she just told me to meditate. I've tried all of those things!

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Hi,

I know how you feel, you are not alone. I have heartburn all day most days and for me it’s the main driver I believe of my low mood and OCD. I have become terrified of cancer, symptoms, swallowing, reflux and obsess over medical reports and seek out tests. Then they say it’s anxiety despite it all feeling very real and that there is something going on and no one can seem to convince me otherwise.

I started to cut stressors from my life, my job was dull, boring and meaningless so I quit last night. Small amount of regret and but on the whole I think it’s for the best to get my head in a better place.

I would agree that setting time aside to practice being mindful will help you see your irrational thoughts more and learn how to interact with them. Remember, it’s the way you react to your thoughts that drive how you feel, control the thoughts and you’ll have more control on how you feel.

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Originally Posted by Anxietysufferer92

My family think I'm crazy for thinking these ridiculous thoughts and my GP, I could hear it in her voice that I am wasting her time she just told me to meditate. I've tried all of those things!

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Change your GP. You have severe OCD and it's going to take more than staring at a teabag to sort this out.

You're not alone. I have OCD, (checking, intrusive thoughts) also symmetry which might overlap with autism, but I do know that I get very agitated if things are not symmetrical. Actually, it is more OCD on thinking about it..:unsure:

Anyway, start by changing your GP because this one obviously doesn't have a clue about OCD.

All the best.

Anxietysufferer92, the heading of your post reminisces with so many sufferers, so never feel you are alone in your suffering.
Life can be overwhelming, especially for people like us.
And Nora's suggestion of changing your GP is certainly a good start to having the support you need to understand the way you feel.
Don't try to tackle all your issues at once. And as fear seems to be at the base of all your issues it is the fear that needs to be overcome bit by bit.
Most importantly, don't be so hard on yourself.
Maybe start with the food issues and avoid all meals that could set you off so you become more confident with your eating. It doesn't matter if you eat different to the rest of the family if what you eat gives you more calm.
That's where I would start.
Take one step at a time. You are a survivor and you can get through this. x

I feel like your post could have been written by me. I feel the same things you do. Unfortunately, I have not found a way to deal with these issues yet, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

Going through this right now...getting harder and harder to function each day. I’m in a constant state of worry and think nothing but doom and gloom. Things I used to enjoy no longer bring me pleasure. I’m struggling with my workload and motivation at my job, also because I am still working at home and likely will be for some time. Having all kinds of weird sensations and symptoms in my body and am worried about cancer, heart issues and a number of other things. I don’t trust anyone or anything outside of a handful of people and I believe things will never get better.

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Originally Posted by AuntWithIssues87

Going through this right now...getting harder and harder to function each day. I’m in a constant state of worry and think nothing but doom and gloom. Things I used to enjoy no longer bring me pleasure. I’m struggling with my workload and motivation at my job, also because I am still working at home and likely will be for some time. Having all kinds of weird sensations and symptoms in my body and am worried about cancer, heart issues and a number of other things. I don’t trust anyone or anything outside of a handful of people and I believe things will never get better.

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That sounds so hard :( it drains the life out of you doesn't it! I am finding myself getting weaker and weaker at work and just cannot be bothered anymore. I was a motivated and very busy individual but I am losing the will to live these days.. As dramatic as it sounds. I hope you are feeling a bit better now? At the moment with all that's going on, I just cannot see an end to it.

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Originally Posted by Anxietysufferer92

That sounds so hard :( it drains the life out of you doesn't it! I am finding myself getting weaker and weaker at work and just cannot be bothered anymore. I was a motivated and very busy individual but I am losing the will to live these days.. As dramatic as it sounds. I hope you are feeling a bit better now? At the moment with all that's going on, I just cannot see an end to it.

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This could be my life. Exactly here too. It’s so upsetting that despite therapy and meds I’m having a relapse of sorts. I’m terrified. I can’t eat or function. I’m just so exhausted by it all. Their are times I get weary and completely irrational. Currently I’m having one of these spells and can’t see a way out. Please know you’re not alone.

I am at my worse right now. My husband is even thinking about ringing the mental health hospital to see what they can do because I am seriously losing the plot guys. As my previous threads, I have been having terrible symptoms ie diarrhoea, nausea, and most of all, weight loss. Put it down to a bug because I was getting extremely nauseous days before I started feeling ill. I am losing a shit load of weight in a short amount of time but at the same time, I am so bloody anxious I am not eating properly and I am in an active job. My stomach has been painful, very grumbly, gassy and awful runny poo. I have been doctors to get my stools checked for any issues as to why I am having diarrhoea and losing weight so quickly, plus blood tests. In the meantime, I have a terrible feeling that it is all linked with the fact I had a random bleed last year and now I am thinking I have ovarian cancer which has spread. I have got my ultrasound booked for tomorrow which I paid privately for. I am absolutely terrified. I am pacing around the house, tapping on things and snapping at everything. I really can't cope at all. What if this is bad news :'( I can't accept that I am going to end up leaving my family soon. Also worth mentioning, a few weeks ago I had to go A&E as I was having palpitations and getting out of breath, but my ecg was fine. My bloods was also normal.. But that doesn't rule out cancer does it? Chest xray also clear.. For now. So I guess I can take comfort that whatever cancer I have, hasn't spread anywhere upwards. My right leg is bloody hurting me as well.

Sorry you're spiraling so badly AS92. Your last several threads are all related to this. Tests have not raised any red flags and they would have if it were serious so.... :shrug: Hope you feel better soon!

FMP