Is this real event/memory? How can I tell?

Hi. It’s been a while but im
So stuck and terrified. A new thought popped into
My head and I can’t find similar stories from ppl anywhere!

My theme is STILL hocd.

I remember once many many many reacting to an erotic noise from a woman on tv and suddenly thing omg that must make me a secret lesbian. I had been very close with my female cousin growing up we were the bestest of friends and did everything together. To my shame now we even experimented a little. Nothing full on though.

My head is stuck on the fact that back then I got so scared and assumed all these thoughts and the fact that I did what I did ment I was a secret lesbian. I was scared and had cried all night because it wasn’t and still isn’t what I want to be.

This is not disrespectful towards the community because I have gay and lesbian friends who I adore. But not for me.

Here’s where my hyper focus has gone to stand scared me.

These racing scary thoughts made me tearfully confess and ‘come out’ to my mum. She went mad and I took it all back and was scared.


But what if.
What if that was what I wanted? (I don’t want this, might I add. I can appreciate fellow ladies and that they are good-looking but it’s not sexual attraction. I’m still with my loving fiancé of 14 years and we are getting married this year. I do really love him and have had such an enjoyable sexlife (my libido has gone these past few months) but what if?) what if her reaction caused me to now be something I’m not?? What if my relationship and subsequent past relationships have all been a sham to make her happy? What if I’ve not been genuine? I’m terrified and scared now. This feels real. I’ve had crushes on men my whole life! This feels all disingenuous now.

I have had a history of other thoughts/themes in the past. What if im attracted to other female friends? What if my friendship is cheating on my fiancé, what if im trans. (I was convinced for a whole 3 years about this and couldn’t even touch the clothes in my wardrobe as it would trigger me.) what if im secretly a pedophile because a kid made a noise in a park and my head said that sounded sexual. I then avoided kids for 3 days, I was at one point convinced that the internet urban legend Slenderman was real after reading the awful true crime story in relation to it. I thought it would get me, make me do terrible things. I’ve been obsessed with swallowing or getting bleach in my left eye.


Please someone help. I need to know this… what im thinking and feeling. This new feared story im telling myself isn’t true. I couldn’t bear it if it was real and I’ve mislead my fiancé and have to leave him and ‘come out’

I do not want this!

This sounds like OCD.

I'm pansexual and I find all genders sexually attractive. It's different from having intrusive thoughts about people.

It's awful that your mum is homophobic. Even though it sounds like you're heterosexual, it would have been nice if she could show you that she'd accept you whatever your sexuality was.

Your crushes on men are real. Your relationship with your fiancee is real.

It's normal for kids to sexually explore. It's something that people feel a lot of shame about because it's taboo. When kids are of a similar age and there's no pressuring it isn't abuse.

I also have had OCD thoughts about suspecting myself of being a pedophile. It can be really hard to figure out what's real. My test is actually imagining what that would be like and it never fails to totally gross me out, so I know I'm not. There's a difference between intrusive thoughts and actively wanting something. Intrusive thoughts come from fear and shame. What society feels shame and fear about are the content of intrusive thoughts. It doesn't make you a pedophile or anything but heterosexual. It's even possible that your mum's homophobia contributed to you being more afraid of being a lesbian, partly causing these anxious intrusive thoughts.