im upset about the event and then more anxious about being upset... go figure

I need to explain a couple of things before i continue. I'm a recovering Alcoholic and participate in AA. I have a sponsor who is supposed to be my first person contact with issues problems i have.

Lot of what i wrote below was written at the time and just wanted other peoples opinions. It may come over as nonsense or just ramblings but its all i can do at the moment lol

People seem to just play into the way I think of the world. They let me down, appease me or tolerate? I’m not sure if I mean they tolerate me or I tolerate them. My life seems easier when I rely on me.
I called sponsor from town – he says we can meet for coffee in 20 minutes at the coast. I rush home and he calls me when on train to say he has to go out for an hour. 2 hours later nothing!! I feel angry, let down and certainly unwilling to call him to find out what’s going on. Same feeling in pit of my stomach I’ve always felt. Something like this happens and I know it triggers me to start shutting down emotionally again. THIS is the stuff (feelings? emotions?) I can’t talk about in AA. Are these the feelings I feel the urge to hide (expose me?) .
Okay bit of time has passed (looking over it again). It wasn’t the event I understand this. The feelings around the event? Avoidance?
Anger yes, resentment yes, feeling left behind, not part of, not included... THOUGHT: I bet other peoples f****ng sponsors don’t do this. (Making it about me). Not about sponsor though. More to do with the feelings that already exist inside <insert name> let me down, I can’t trust <insert name>. That could fit anyone!! I then pull back from the relationship (friend, sponsor, partner) Fear of commitment due to fear of being hurt? Let down? Etc.
So other than looking like am an over sensitive twerp. I see this as the main issue here.
Activating event happens. Triggers deep feelings and memories of emotional/physical(unsure) pain. My gut reaction is to flee. Either by physically leaving or ignoring person etc. So small event escalates into problem which is bringing all that stuff back my default answer to the problem is to escape. If i get close to people i get hurt seems to be the thought that comes in my head.

Im not sure what happens with AA rules, but are the sponsers stretched very thinly or something? I mean do you get a sponser who is just for you or do you have to share him with others? Do they have a life of their own also? perhaps he had to be somewhere connected to his own family or something. But if its that he went off to meet another fellow sufferer, then I think thats bad...to let you down I mean. If he said he was going to meet you then he should follow it through, surely? But like I said, I dont know how these things work.

Still...youve joined nmp, so maybe we can help too :)

I dont think its about the whole sponsor thing tho... i over analyze everything and it all just ends up crippling me lol gawd i need serious therapy!

No i dont think you over analysed this situ. You were sitting on the train on the way to meet your sponser and he sends a message to say sorry cant make it after all? nice. Id have been fuming lol!

I think what you were asking yourself is was it the event itself that was pi@@ing you off and making you want to shut out the world or was it just the same avoidance tactics that you have used in the past to shield yourself from pain that was making you so upset.
My opinion is it was probably a little of both.
I would have been upset too!!
I mean you needed your sponsor and he/she wasn't there for you!
That would be upsetting to anyone!
It is the fact that it made all these other feelings of being hurt in the past surface again that fueled the fire even more!!

Don't beat yourself up about it! You're allowed to feel whatever you are feeling when you are feeling it!
The only thing I can say is try to concentrate on the present - the one day at a time thing that AA stresses - and not focus on what has occurred in the past. You can't change what happened then and rehashing it isn't going to make you feel any better!!
I would have a talk with your sponsor and let him/her know that you're upset! No point in keeping it inside and letting it eat at you!!
Hope you are feeling better hun!!
xxx
Sandy