First obsessive episode in years - worse one I've ever had.

Since early 2015 I started experiencing horrible intrusive thoughts, about one of the Pure O OCD topics...it starts with an I (I'll let you work that one out) and It really put me a pit of despair and shame for a number of years, but I coped with it and for a long time things were really good and after a while the obsession wasn't there. I'd basically moved on.

From it though caused a multitude of new intrusive thoughts. Every Pure O topic just washed over me. It felt like my brain just tried to find anything and everything to torment me with, to try and convince me that I'm a monster and an evil human. I never obsessed over them though, I had trained myself to deal with the intrusive thoughts and not pay attention to them. Until recently, I started getting one of the Pure O topics that I personally deem to be the worst (obviously that's subjective) I'd never had it before but I started getting the intrusive thoughts and for a long time I managed to separate intrusive thought from reality and coped, I never took the thought home with me, I never thought about it again until recently.

So England is in another national lockdown and because of it I had a lot of time with my own thoughts and lo and behold, I'm in a full blown obsessive episode. What went from full security and understanding that they are just thoughts to fully wondering whether I am what my mind is trying to tell me I am. It sucks. I KNOW, objectively I'm not what my brain is trying to tell me I am, but goddamn it's trying so hard to convince me otherwise. It's so scary. I wish so badly I could just go back to 6 months ago when everything was good and this wasn't a thing. I am genuinely looking into getting therapy because I don't see this going away any time soon.