I'm worried sick and feel like I'm going to be frowned upon

My name is lyn, I don't know where to start, I'm no good at talking. I have "chronic anxiety" stress and clinical depression. I can't leave my house except accompanied to my doctor. I've had a complete breakdown, I'm receiving ESA and in the support group. I received a letter to attend counselling and I'm having terrible panic attacks and dark thoughts at the thought of going. I'm scared to telephone them to ask if I can be put back down the list for a few months until I feel a bit better. I'm scared they think I'm lying and I'm fine and refuse to do it. I'm a mess, I tried calling Samaritans but I hung up. No words would come out. My doctor has referred me to psychologist at hospital and wants to "fast track" it. I'm too scared to ask her if it could be done after Christmas as I'm not in the right frame of mind just now. I'm literally vomiting, wetting my self and unable to move or speak. I write everything down for my doctor as I choke when I try to talk and I forget everything. She will think I'm a loser and I'm refusing help which I swear I'm not. I don't even know why I'm writing this I feel such a failure and so ashamed.

Hi Nobody important

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

I wish you would change your name to somebody important because you ARE somebody important. You are not a failure at all. You are a strong person who like almost all of us on this site are suffering from anxiety so you are not alone. That is a good thing to write things down for your doctor, I often do the same. There have been days were I have not even been able to make it to see the doctor and he has had to visit me. Please try to think more positive about about yourself and I hope you will find lots of support here sending you :hugs::hugs:

Hello Lyn,

I'm not going to call you 'Nobody important' because you ARE important. :) Welcome to No More Panic - I really hope you find this website as helpful and supportive as I, and many others, have. :)

I am very sorry to hear how you are feeling. It sounds like you are having a very difficult time of it at the minute.

Can I ask, when you say that you don't want to attend the counselling sessions until you are feeling a bit better, which is why you are putting it off to a later date, what is it that you are hoping will help to improve how you feel in the meantime? Are you going onto medication or receiving some other sort of treatment or support? Otherwise it seems a little like saying that you don't want to take a paracetamol yet because your headache is too bad and you want to wait until it calms down a bit.

Please forgive me as I know I am making a massive assumption here, but is it maybe because you are worried about what you may have to face/discuss as and when you do get this sort of help? I don't think for a second that you are refusing treatment in a rebellious or lazy way, but it does sound to me like the thought of 'dealing' with whatever it is that has caused this chronic anxiety in the first place is infact making you more anxious. If this is the case, please be reassured that counsellors are professionally trained to deal with this sort of thing, and that they won't hang your issues out like dirty laundry and force you to face them: they will let you take your time and do everything at your own pace: you certainly won't be forced to do anything you don't want to, and once these things are faced up to in a safe and supportive environment, which is what you will be in, they never feel as big or as scary. I know because I have previously had a similar problem and feelings to what you describe. :)

I also think it sounds like you are having problems with your self esteem. I say this because when I first started counselling when I first got my GAD and depression I didn't realise low self esteem was the cause until my counsellor pointed it out to me. I found this incredibly useful as it meant I was able to look into how best to address the self esteem issues and this in turn made me feel better as far as the anxiety and depression went. I also say this because you say about worrying that people will think you're a loser: you aren't a loser, I can tell you that for sure, you are brave for facing up to your problems and for taking the first steps to getting better. That takes a lot of guts, so well done you! :hugs: You also sound like someone who is in or has been in a lot of pain, so be gentle with, and kind to, yourself. There is nothing to be ashamed of either; I don't think badly of you at all, I admire you for speaking up and looking to get yourself better.

I really do hope you find the support you need soon, but in the meantime there are lots of people here who will help you.

Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best,

Danny xxx

I agree with Annie - you ARE someone important.

I found it particularly helpful to take someone with me into the doctor's room - my mum - who was there to help me explain the situation and fill in any 'blanks'. That way there's another pair of ears too and you can discuss how it goes afterwards. Maybe there's a friend or family member you could ask to go with you to these appointments?

Remember, we're in this together.

K xx

I do receive medication. I take 200mg of sertraline every day. Due to recently more things happening its hit me a lot harder and I've had a complete breakdown. Going to somewhere strange, leaving the house, even getting dressed is too much at the minute. I have had terrible urges but I don't want to say. I have no one. No family at all, just a friend who has her own problems too and I don't want to keep being a problem. You are correct, I've had a lot of things happen personally to me and those have caused this nightmare. I'm actually feeling like a dog running in a constant circle trying to catch its tail while my thoughts are crushing me. Everything coming at once is throwing me and I can't breathe. I just wanted to ask the lady if its okay for a later date but I don't think she will accept that. She will have more important people to help than me and I feel guilty for that

There is nobody more important than you! Please think better about yourself and we are all here to support and help you, you are not alone :hugs::hugs:

Lyn, speaking from my own experience with hindsight, I should've gone to the doctor's sooner than I did and sought help earlier. I'm so glad that I did. Why not consider that Fasttrack appointment? The waiting is the worst thing. xx

It makes me feel sad reading this you are important and you are someone ,get the help you need we all feel bad at times in are life please dont tell yourself you no one because you are I hope you get the help you need soon take care xxxx :hugs:

Hi, i just want to echo the messages above and say you are important and deserve any help you need. Take care. :hugs: