Highly doubtful this is ROCD

I have social anxiety, I’m 17 and I’ve somehow managed to get a boyfriend. We have been together since September. About three months ago I was sitting in my bed and I questioned myself “what if we have been spending too much time together”, “what if I don’t love him”. I just realized. Got these thoughts in February, a month before we agreed to have sex (we didn’t). I think it was the nervousness to commit like that. And it’s been downhill since then. I’m terrified I’m getting sick of him, like I’ve been spending too much time with him. I even have a feeling in my gut and it’s hard to explain.

When I first talked to him I felt so excited when he smiled at me but that was followed closely behind with dread, because I knew it wouldn’t last forever (the butterflies when he smiled at me). I asked my friend who got a boyfriend at the same time, and she said she didn’t know if she loved him because she never experienced it. I was watching a Vsauce video a few months back where it was talking about love, and it had all these requirements for it basically. I paused the video and I agreed to all of them and it made me so excited.

I literally have never ever experienced the feeling of being “extremely sick of someone” or being in someone’s presence for too long ever before. So why do I feel it with him? I only spend the day with him Friday, I see him at school. He’s constantly on my mind. I really reallly really want to love him, it’s all I want. I question whether or not I’m just with him because I barely have any friends.

Last night was terrible. I didn’t see him all weekend, I had a really bad weekend I was crying and everything before i saw him, I felt socially anxious going to his house. We couldn’t leave the house because he was watching his sisters. Last week he said he was bored laying in bed because we have done it too much. Well last night we were laying in bed because that’s all we could do. So that’s one log on the anxiety fire. I was tired, I had laying when I’m not tired, and I felt so terrible in such indescribable way. When I look at him I want to feel something so bad by I don’t. I hate my life why can’t i just love him?? He’s perfect for me he’s handsome just like me in every right way the exact opposite in all the right places.

Sorry, this is just the abridged version. There is so much I feel that is against my proof of me loving him that if I were to think about it for a moment it would be very obvious I should break up with him. So I suppress that thought greatly. I hate this so much I hate my life. And no therapy is far out of the question. Talking to my parents will do nothing but embarrassment. My school counselor? See the first sentence of this post. This posts is my only option in helping myself.