A letter I wrote

Hey people, just need your opinion. Got thoughtful earlier and decided to write this. I'd seen something similar on here which gave me ideas...Have a read, let me know what you think. I'd like to show it to my friends but I don't know whether its ok, I don't want them to think badly of me.
Yeah, have a read, let me know what you think.


Dear Friend 29.04.2009

I know that you have no idea of the way my mind works. I know that you don't understand what goes through my head twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I don't expect you to know, I don't expect you to understand. I just ask that you stay with me, and that you don't run away, as so many have done before. This letter is just trying to give you a rough idea.

First of all, I have no idea why I'm writing this. It goes against everything I believe in. In my eyes, I'm not important. In fact, my life wouldn't be worth living if it weren't for other people, and for God. I know I'm important in God's eyes, but if I'm honest? Most of the time that doesn't help. I have to live my life by helping people. What I think, what I feel, doesn't matter to me. I'm not important. It's you who is important. That's why I may go out of my way to help you. It makes me feel good to see somebody else happy, even if I hardly know them. It makes me feel good to know that my life has a purpose. Writing this goes against everything that goes on in my head, it's about me. Nothing should be about me. Maybe my CV, but that's about it.

I know you don't understand what it's like living with anxiety and a panic disorder (that's the official name for this junk that happens on a day to day basis), so I'm trying to help you understand. Imagine living in fear, fear that your body is going to give up on you at any moment, fear that you're going to start panicking, fear that everyone around you is going to stare at you and think you're a freak. That's what I go through every day. Even on the rare occasion that I am allowed to forget, something always brings me crashing back to earth. I try my best to cover this, but sometimes it may bug me more than it does at other times. For this, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be moody. I don't mean to be withdrawn. If I ever really annoy you, you must tell me.

I am sorry for dragging you into my problems. I don't like being like this, I really can't help it. I'd give anything to just be normal. I'd love to have a normal day, one where I'm not freaking out because I brushed somebody I didn't know in the street, or one where I'm able to go into a shop or a restaurant and not fear that there are too many people in there. I have to say, I've become worse for agoraphobia in the past few months, now I struggle to go into the One Stop on campus if it's too busy or if I know I haven't got a safe exit. I will beat it one day, before it beats me. It just takes time.

I know at times it may look like I'm not helping myself. Most of what goes on is kept to myself, I'm fighting a war, not a battle. Inside my head I am always fighting. I will never do anything that I think will deliberately make a situation worse, although granted I can make mistakes. Please be patient if this happens, do not get too cross, nobody is perfect. I know what is going on inside my head isn't real, but I have no control. I know that the threat is not real and that I'm not going to get hurt, but unfortunately my body doesn't. The natural reaction is to try to escape and protect yourself from a situation, and that's what my body does. The only difference is that this particular situation doesn't exist.

I'm sorry that you are having to read this. If I've shown you this then it must mean you mean one hell of a lot to me. And that's not easy in my life. Trust is a very difficult thing to gain from me, I have been left too many times. To be honest, if I can hug you without freaking out then you're special. And it will probably mean that your hugs mean a lot to me. Hugs are the best things in the world. They make me feel safe and protected. I just wish I could do it more often to more people.

Please don't feel you have to stay with me if I have a panic attack, even if I ask you to be there. I'm not really thinking straight when it's happening. It makes it more bearable if somebody I know and trust is there, but I do it on my own on a regular basis. I can manage. It's not worth the bother on your behalf. If you are there, then the chances are that afterwards I am going to feel very guilty about it. What a waste of your time. Why should you waste your time looking after some insane person like me? You've got better things to do. If I have asked you to be with me on more than one occasion, don't worry. I'm not going to become dependent. It just means I know you're good. I know what being dependent on somebody is, I've been there. It's not going to happen again. I also know how it feels to have somebody dependent on you. I would never do that to anyone.

I'm sorry if I have my little habits. It's part of who I am. I know most of them are not normal, but it's the way I cope. I'm sorry if I ask you to come somewhere with me because I'm nervous, or if I ask you to do something for me because I can't. I hate it – why am I so incapable? Nowadays there are times when the simplest thing to anyone else can be the most difficult thing in the world to me. I try my best to be normal, but sometimes it's just not good enough.

I'm sorry you had to read this. Why have I bothered to put all this down on paper? Seriously? I don't really know. I hope it will give you a rough idea of how I feel, and what I go through on a daily basis. I hope you will understand more why I am the way I am. I do try my best. Just, as I said at the beginning, please don't leave me because of it.

Thank you. For everything you've done. You have no idea what it means to me to have somebody as close as you who I can rely upon.

Very well done - and a very good idea. Its very hard and very emotional for me to explain to someone what i go through so i keep it to myself. Maybe this will be a breakthough for me aswell

All the best

Simon x

wyour letter just brought me down to earth started to panic. but when you said we live in fear that our bodys are going to give me. i relaxed so thanks for the reminder it not just me. the letter discribes us very well and your brave to give it to your friends