One giant leap

Hi all.

I haven't been active on this site for a long time, so long in fact that most people won't know or remember me; so long that I can't even remember the circumstances under which I last used No More Panic. I do remember when I first came here though. I was lost, and afraid, and believed myself to be totally alone in a hopeless world. Well, my eyes are open now. I can see a lot of things that I didn't back then. I've earned a lot of knowledge, had some wonderful times, some terrible times. I've lost people I love and been pushed to the brink of breakdown several times, but on each occasion I have dug in my heels, remembered what I've learned and put it into practice. And here I am to tell you that I came through the other side of it. The threatened breakdowns didn't come, the relapse I spent years dreading didn't come. It tried, there were some scary days, but it seems that the days of relapse into the worst of my illness is permanently over, and I'm no longer alone.

I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome (autism) which explained my lifelong difficulties in communications, relationships and many aspects of everyday life. I have learned about my condition, understood exactly how it affects me; I've learned to put my strengths to good use and how to compensate for my weaknesses. I'm not perfect but nobody is, not even Jennifer Lawrence.

I fought for years to get support and diagnosis of ADHD. This finally came, and the medication gave me my only relief from the years of terrible, relentless anxieties, the mood changes and the intrusive thoughts. I fought for years to incorporate these changes and now they are part of me, not just an effect of the medication. There are still many ways in which I need to improve, some urgent, some not so much, and I work on them a lot.

Also, the arthritis which was horribly crippling to me and destroying any quality of life is now "under control" - I am on the correct meds, I researched and sought out the correct vitamins and supplements, and now no longer fear it to the severe extent I used to.

In the meantime I have worked incredibly hard at my friendships. I make it clear that I care for people and will support them where I can, although I do this way too much, something else I need to work on; you can't help others if you're exhausted and demoralised. I have learned to rest, and respect my own limits. I have learned to release and control my anger - for the most part - and now exist free of it for most of the time. Those extra hours every day that I no longer spend ruminating, or complaining, or raging, or fearing the future, are spent with friends, with family, with hobbies. The improvement to my quality of life is hard to believe and would have been impossible to believe 5 years ago.

Well before this turns into War and Peace 2: The Prequel-Sequel-Remake [TM], I'll sign off, but I want to make it clear that people can change. It takes a sustained and determined effort. You have to be prepared for when the universe pushes you, to push back. Don't let horrible experiences put you off. "The sweetest form of revenge is to not become like your enemy." Don't become broken or embittered or abusive. Continue moving boldly onward. Become your own best friend. If you hate yourself, how is anyone else going to be able to like or respect you? How are you going to be able to accept compliments and recover from your illness? By coming to terms with yourself at last, you will be much happier, as the battle will finally be over. Trust me, I have seen it from both sides.

Good luck!