Can't help myself...

Hi all,

So I've been battling anxiety and depression alone, for many years now. I just keep my feelings to myself, pretend I'm ok and let work always see a smile on my face.
Recently too much had gone on and I didn't realise how bad my depression was until I tried to take my life twice over a period of 2 weeks.
I have seemed councillors now but I just don't want to talk. Right now I don't want to get up, I don't want to get ready, brush my hair nothing.
Life seems pointless and no matter what I do I can't get out of this mindset.

My boyfriend left me on Friday to say he would come.back in 5 days to see how he feels and honestly, I hate and can not deal with the uncertainty.
I'm having to deal with debts from a car that is constantly having issues and I'm sick of hearing from people "sell it" when if I could I would.
My nan relies on me for that car.to get to hospital most weeks as she doesn't like ambulances of buses taxis etc and she has terminal cancer. I owe her to take her to the hospital after all she has done for me

My mum is a raging alcoholic and does nothing but judge me and cause.me grief. If I honestly had a choice for for her.to no longer be in my life is be outta here!!
I don't eat for days on end because I just feel so stressed I either don't think about it or I just simply refuse.

Life right now, is unbearable. I can't take feeling everyday of not eating, feeling such bad thoughts that I don't know how to get rid of that I just think it's the best option to give in and listen to my head...

Worst part is, when I thought my life.coulsnt get any worse a small very painful red lump appeared under my underarm skin last night and I honestly can not bare the doctors right now.

I just want to feel me again, do my hair nice and care about myself. I'm sick of my day to day life being crap. I avoid human contact as much as possible and I refuse to go out. I just want a "life" again...

Ohh, Samantha, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time!

Please don't worry about the red underarm lump; it'll just be a boil and it'll go away in its own time.

I know it's tough, but you need to try and open up to people, because this is a hard battle and you can't fight it alone any more.

Thinking of you.

Bless you Samantha your really going through it, life isn't easy it has away of throwing stuff at us, but it can get better it really can.

You need to talk to people about how bad your feeling and maybe speak to your doctor when you feel upto it,

if you're at the point of wanting to take your life you need to get help remember your life is precious don't give up fight back.

And remember people do care and love you even if you don't see this please get some help its the first step xx


best wishes xx

Thankyou for both replies. I appreciate it!
I find it so hard to open up because when I do people either judge or think I'm being stupid...
I just wish I knew someone who would understand because I don't want to feel this way...

I think you'll find a lot of people here who have an idea of what you've been through.

I first remember having suicidal thoughts at the age of 6, and they've been with me on a fairly regular basis since then. I'm 43 now and I have a lot better handle on my mental health, but it was only last week that they were troubling me again.

I promise, things will get better, and there'll be a whole lot of people here cheering you on.

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Originally Posted by Samantha77

Thankyou for both replies. I appreciate it!
I find it so hard to open up because when I do people either judge or think I'm being stupid...
I just wish I knew someone who would understand because I don't want to feel this way...

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It's easy for people to judge us but l always say they need to walk in that person's shoes before judging them, we are here for you if you need to talk there is alot of like minded people here with similar experiences don't give up xx


best wishes 🤗

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time, Samantha, we're all here for you :hugs:

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Originally Posted by BlueIris

I think you'll find a lot of people here who have an idea of what you've been through.

I first remember having suicidal thoughts at the age of 6, and they've been with me on a fairly regular basis since then. I'm 43 now and I have a lot better handle on my mental health, but it was only last week that they were troubling me again.

I promise, things will get better, and there'll be a whole lot of people here cheering you on.

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I am also 43 (born in 1977) and for me growing up in the 80s and early 90s sucked in a lot of ways. For obvious reasons the present time sucks but for me and much of my fellow generation the aforementioned period was a pretty dire time, especially if you had a learning disability, and domestic violence and child abuse seemed to be at epidemic proportions back then in particular. I never suffered outright physical abuse from my parents per se (although they used to row quite a lot back then), but I certainly was by staff at school, simply for being an Aspie!

I'm not really surprised that you felt like topping yourself when you were 6, which would probably have been around 1983-84, especially as constant shouting, screaming and fisticuffs seemed to be de rigueur in both families and schools back then, and we had no choice but to learn to live with it. As exemplified by some of the old soaps/TV dramas of the period such as Juliet Bravo, Grange Hill, Brookside, etc.