Will Never Be Me Again

Hi all, I am relatively new here although not new to the beast that is anxiety...

I have suffered with anxiety since childhood (I'm 40), most specifically, health anxiety. I have won the battle several times over the years but the devil that is anxiety is always hanging around in the background ready to take me under again. That sounds dramatic, but that is honestly how it feels.

My story is a long and complicated one but, in short, I am worse now than I have ever been and it feels like I am never going to be free. It feels like this is who I am now and the anxiety defines me and dictates to me and there are times where I find myself mourning who I used to be. It started last Spring when I found out I was pregnant. I'd had a miscarriage the year before which involved surgery and then that was followed by more surgery three months later to remove pre-cancerous cells from my womb. I was convinced from the day I found out I was pregnaant that I was going to lose the baby. I didn't lose my baby and she's now a beautiful 9 month old but, the pregnancy involved lots of medical intervention and hospital admissions and ended in surgery. It was my second baby but this pregnancy I feel, triggered my anxiety once again but on a whole different level.

Nine months later I am a shadow of the woman I used to be. Despite my anxiety I was the life and soul of the party. Now, I can barely leave the house. I know for sure the pregnancy impacted my anxiety massively due to all the hospital visits and problems I developed. I have been left absolutely terrified of drs, hospitals, etc. Even a poster about some health condition can set me off in a panic. I know far too much from my time in hospital. For example, I know the parameters for blood pressure, pulse rate, etc. and hate having either done because I freak out about the numbers. I am constantly on edge thinking there is something seriously wrong with me.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have been having EMDR therapy for a few months but have not found this to be too helpful as yet.

I feel like anxiety is going to win this time and I will never feel like myself again. I feel very desperate and just don't know what to do anymore. Fortunately I do have an amazing dr that pulls out all the stops for me but she can only do so much yet, I just don't know how to make myself feel better. I am on 20mg a day of citalopram but feel it doesn't do much. I hate taking any kind of medication because I am so scared of the side effects.

Hiya Honeyskye and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and
are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and
support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

Sorry you are feeling like nothing helps you, I had EMDR therapy for C-PTSD and really benefited from it,it is had at first but once I changed my mindset and not being negative of trying something outside the box it started too work.
Maybe try a different med,side effects don’t last that long.
You WILL be the life of party again I know I have been where you are.
Be kind on yourself.

Hey!
I can super relate to this, my mum was seriously ill in hospital and nearly died twice last year, shes now fully recovered but four months later my grandma did die in hospital. I too am all too aware of blood pressure, pulse rates etc. this has left me somewhat paranoid about my own self-diagnosis which makes me fell worse. I have heard of EMDR but im not sure if i would benefit enough from it. Please keep me posted how you found it?
best of luck your not alone,
Phoenixess