Reaching out for help at my lowest point.

Hi all. I'm Harper, 26 years old, from Utah. I live with my girlfriend and I'm a writer who's trying to get some novels out into the world, if my anxiety would chill out and actually let me work.

I've had health anxiety for as long as I can remember, and it's probably the worst form that my OCD takes on. I was an extremely anxious child who was afraid of things it seemed like no other kids around me thought twice about. The first obsession I can remember is I was terrified I'd wake up one day and have stigmata. It's crazy now looking back on it, but I was 8 years old and Mom had left a weird religious documentary on the TV. I had a tendency to obsess over things I didn't understand. When 9/11 happened, I developed some sort of vicarious PTSD because I was convinced it would happen in my neighborhood next (I lived in Delaware at the time) or that I would get anthrax. My family had a bad habit of exposing me to news I shouldn't have been seeing and wouldn't take the time to explain it to me later. My anthrax obsession led to me barely eating for months because I was afraid of being poisoned by someone, even my own mother.

I had some health issues as a child that I think led to me feeling doomed as an adult. I had pneumonia at a young age and had to go to the hospital. I had kidney stones in the sixth grade and the pain was so intense that I thought I was dying; I remember saying goodbye to my stepdad as my mom took me to the hospital because I thought I'd never see him again. I also had strange lightheaded/vertigo spells that I described at the time as "floating out of my body" that were diagnosed as migraine aura but that I think were actually panic attacks. I also had stomach and period problems all throughout high school and would frequently have to miss school to go to the doctor. I always felt marked for an early death even though the doctors never found anything serious.

I'm in a very, very rough spot now where I find myself morbidly obsessed with cancer. I wound up in the ER with a panic attack the other night, which I hadn't done since I was 19 and thought I was having heart attacks. I'm not currently in therapy but I'm looking, and I hope to get on some sort of medication besides Ativan soon.

Thank you guys for reading.

Hiya harper92 and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and
are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and
support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

I face down the indecipherable outline of cancer at least a couple times a month, it's horrific business but the reality many of us will eventually succomb to, hello from a fellow worrier, hope you're feeling a little further up, being low is completely grotesque and no position for a good human to be in but it happens and we need support to get ourselves further up, so here's a hug :bighug1: