Thinking about trying to get pregnant next year but worried I won't cope!

Hello
Well it's good that you are giving some thought to what could lie ahead, that way you can prepare for help if necessary thru doctors and midwives. Of course, you might be absolutely fine!!
I've had 2 children and basically had a nervous breakdown (I think the modern term is post traumatic stress syndrome!). After my first, I was so anxious I started to bang my head off walls in hospital and then wanted the forms to put the baby up for adoption.(!!) after the second, I felt pretty much the same way but this time help was on hand with lots if support from CPN, midwife and docs. However what made the biggest and most outstanding difference was the most simple thing in the world. Are you ready for it? Breast feeding! I bottle fed the first thinking that I was so anxious my milk wouldn't come, but persevered with the second and that forced the bonding, and actually relatively quickly I was recovering. I cannot tell you how much it helped.
Something to bear in mind. Hope you get on ok.
Regards
Annabelle

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Originally Posted by Meewah

So sad you perceive it this way. Humans learn through mistakes, we are already talking about mining asteroids to provide our future resources. We are very resourceful and the mor of us on the planet the more chance we have got of overcoming negative, catastrophizing like this. We are becoming more compassionate than ever before. We have the ability to overcome most things we mess up. I can only feel huge optimism for life on earth look how our fellow man has cured dieases and made a safe and warm home for you to enjoy. Just ask the old boys what life was like only 40 years ago. Yes we've made mistakes but without mistakes we cannot develop we are learning all the time. I am so hopeful that one day in the near future we will cure cancer and anxiety and learn how to turn everything we have taken from the earth as minerals and reuse them again and again. If we can turn oil in to plastic why cant we turn plastic in to oil??

Lets all have sex tonight and help build a better world:bighug1:

Mee

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Sorry have to agree to disagree...
More compassionate? Just read the news

i turned 30 this year and my husband is 38. I always imagined I would have 3 children by now, or at least be on the way to achieving that however my dreams have changed. I decided that I didn't want to have children whilst I couldn't cope just looking after myself and until I have dealt with my unresolved trauma issues though this is a really personal decision.

I am anxious about having children and having talked to my husband we have decided that if we do have children, in reality we may only have 1 depending on how i cope with pregnancy and labour and the baby itself. I'm learning that I can't really make decisions on the future as it hasn't happened yet, i just know that right now in this moment i'm not ready. I worried for my husband due to his age but he tells me it's fine - i have to trust him on that!

It is hard as we are the only married couple out of our friends who don't have children - many have 2 or 3 children now!

Anyway, lots of posters are right - only you know if you are ready and that the time is right. Don't do it because your friends are, or because you think you should. Do it because you and your partner want to.

I think that looking at the world we see what we feel. So if we are feeling scared and low we see all the negatives.
Of course there are sad and horrible things because humans are complex and flawed - but there is by far and away more goodness and beauty. Just in one day I see examples of it everywhere if I take the time to look for it. Someone holds a door open for me in a shop, a stranger, so why would they? What's the logic? Because of manners and kindness! Someone let me out in my car at a junction.. Same again, why?
My brother is a fireman, he and his colleagues risk their lives to save others. Why? It can't be the money, there are easier and much better paid ways.
I just watched a clip on FB of people being everyday heroes, going out of their way to help strangers. Some of them jumped on track tracks to save people that had fallen. They risked themselves to save another. That makes so sense evolutionarily or biologically so why? Because of the innate goodness in the majority of people.
We see all the bad things on the news because it sells papers!
If I'm feeling low I deliberately don't watch the news and make myself look for all the small kindnesses in my life as well as trying to show kindness to others.

I know this is a little off topic, but I wanted to say it. At 24 weeks pregnant I am seeing even more loveliness. Complete strangers are smiling at me and wanting to share advice and my joy.

For me pregnancy has actually reduced my anxiety and made me move my focus away from myself to that of my child. I am pleased I am having my baby right now in this time, where things are certainly not perfect, but that we see that they arent and are trying to do something about it.

I know I sound very do gooder - but try looking for the kindnesses each day, even the tiny ones x

An interesting topic - when is the right time to have a baby?

I think if you went by the book - most of us would never have children!

I got pregnant at 24, although my dd wasn't planned, she was a blessing in my life.

I think if you are planning a baby though, using a child to change your life is probably not advisable. During pregnancy worrying is very normal. With my second I felt very ill because I wasn't on the right level of thyroxine. It can bring different anxieties on and then of course everyone worries about labour, but that's a fleeting moment compared to after that.

You worry if you will be a good parent and it doesn't stop. The picture you have in your head of how you will be as a parent never plays out. Children have different personalities, will yours be the one running around biting other children at playgroup. It's not unusual for a mum to leave in tears.

When the baby is born, you realise you don't know anything about looking after babies (unless you are in some sort of profession that deals with them). It takes time to know what to do and that can make you feel like an idiot, a failure. Your hormones will play havoc and some days you'll feel down and teary (that happens to all mums). Some days you'll feel trapped at home, you'll be fed of of watching cbeebies, you'll be desperate for a good nights sleep more than a good night out (although you'll want one of those as well). You might feel very lonely, like you've turned into a housewife. You will be late for most things. The house will be a mess, you will have just got the baby to sleep and someone will call meaning you can't sleep or get the housework done. Well-meaning people will offer advice, or interfere and you will hate them!

Lack of sleep - it's relentless, like nothing anyone can describe - you will be desperate, resentful, emotional. This isn't like having to wake up at 7am for work after a very late night out. This is non-stop, dreadful sleep deprivation, which will last for months and you will forget what it is like to have a good nights sleep - you will dream of getting 8 hours of sleep. You will forget what it was like to not be in an endless routine of dirty nappies, sleeping patterns and if you are breastfeeding - you will find that feeding on demand is like constant feeding.

You will be desperate to drink a cup of tea that hasn't turned cold, or eat a meal without having a baby on one arm.

You will end up in a slanging match with your other half as you compete for who is the most tired. If you breastfeed, you might struggle for it to happen and you will feel like you have failed, or it might be extremely painful and you'll feel like giving up and you may well feel awful. You will have to do all the night feeds unless you express - which is difficult.

You will realise you and your other half will have different views on how to raise a child. Sometimes when you are both very tired, you won't handle things well and you'll feel like you have nothing in common.

You will end up at the hospital several times at 2am with your little one and feel like you've wasted the doctors time.

You said it would stop you from being judged - but any parent will tell you - you are judged far more from pregnancy to beyond. People will judge how your bump looks. complete strangers will walk up to you in the street and tell you what a bad job you are doing, or tell you you're doing it wrong. The world will be your judge and they won't be afraid to let you know how you are doing, especially if they think you're doing it wrong.

That is the reality. Now of course I do not regret for one minute having my two (now 12 and 9), although you might wonder why when I've put the above, it will test you as a person and of course most people are good parents and try their best and they get through it, but you never say "I'm a great parent" - because you'll always feel inadequate. You need supportive friends, communication with your other half and knowing how to ask for help.

It is true that being a parent is very rewarding, but it will change your life forever, it will make even the sanest person feel like they are going mad at times, but if it was that dreadful- no-one would have more than one child.

My anxiety was at a relatively low level at the time, but my hormones made me behave strangely at times during my first pregnancy. What did help was that I felt I was in more of a unit - I liked being part of a family, although me and my husband struggled and went through some tough times - we are now exceptionally close. The most difficult bits of being a parent are probably the first three years (until they become teenagers - I'd guess). The sleepless nights end etc. But the routine always has to be there - the meal times, the washing and as a mum do do end up doing the lions share and that can be annoying sometimes.

Sorry for the long reply - hope it's of some use.

Suki

Wow I know you are explaining the hard bits, but its got to be a lot more good and happy times compared to the bad bits,

We are talking about having one baby,

What I have is good support from family & friends, close by, and if me and hubby are exhausted then we hope we'd get a good nights sleep with there help, as for going out, its over rated in my opinion, as ive not drank for years anyway,

Experience, I have learnt that from my nephews, not just babysitting, but living with them, being their carer when mum was in hospital,

What ive also learnt is that 3 is so much harder than the 1. 1 was a joy, & we were never out numbered, even during the sleepless nights, we'd do it in shifts,

Hormones is hard, and the judgement would be too,

But for me swapping the luxurious sleep, nights out, and being the only couple childless means everything to us,

We think of the good bits, having the our new born sleeping on us, waking up on birthdays Christmas together, completeing our family,

The main bit I worry about is when im sick, and have a child to look after, lets hope my hubby can manage at those times,

Cat -

Of course there are good bits or like I said no-one would have more than one child, but if someone wants a baby, the reality is the good bits are very easy to imagine - it's lovely when a small child says "I love you" and I think that's easy for anyone to relate to or understand - because it is instantaneous. Feelings of pride etc - that's part of the reason people want children for the good times - everyone already knows the good bits.

What all parents will tell you is no-one can relate to the bad things: Lack of sleep is so much harder to describe. You think you know what lack of sleep is, unless you've been a carer or something you have no idea. You think you will be a good parent, but you turn into your mother. In the grand scheme of things it's great - but it's heartbreaking when a complete stranger comes up to you and tells you you should be smacking your child and that's a side of parenting that doesn't really get discussed.

Sometimes the good times outweigh the bad (most times now they're older) - but specially when mine were babies and even with a baby that was pretty good with routine there were times when it was so very hard - I was simply exhausted.

The judgement would be hard, from strangers & friends

All our friends have kids, and one just had her first three month ago, she has no experience, and I do realize when shes not with us when we have aget together, we talk about her parenting, or how its different to theres they have more than one child each, and often say 'ah its her first' they don't mean any harm but we all have our own opinions, & beliefs, and really most people are always doing their best, and everyone has different lifestyles & different life experiences,

Men dont seem to be so judgementantal?

I love my friends, but find males a lot more easy going, probably because they have a wife doing more,

The lack of sleep, is something I can't prepare for as if I have a bad night, I soon catch up within a few days, not the same if you have sleepless nights, & early mornings with a child,

Maybe you should try fostering? There's lots of babies and children out there that need a foster home. Plus it would give you a good feel for what it's like looking after children.

Your anxiety will be bad after the baby due to hormones and lack of sleep. So you will need a lot of support from people.

25 is not a young age for having a baby, it's all a matter of individual opinions etc but I was 26 when I had my daughter and I love being a younger mum as I know I will also still be quite young when she is that bit older and although I had anxiety, I had lots of support throughout my pregnancy through professionals (not so much her dad lol) even although I was in hospital a couple of times just through worry but they didn't look down on me. You have to find out how much support you will get throughout your pregnancy. There should be numbers you can call to a midwife or health visitor as I was able to call and get reassurance. I am in the same boat as you though as I would love another baby in the next year but worried about anxiety again but to me, I am not going to let this get in the way of my happiness (easier said than done) but I don't want to not have a baby because of this and look back in years to come and think why did I allow it to stop my dreams? I don't ever think my anxiety will go away and I will say this, it might get worse after having a child as mine did, only because you have this huge responsibility and you love this little person with all your heart etc. so you have to ask yourself and your doctor about what support you will get during and after pregnancy and take it from there...One thing is for sure, when I am at an ultimate low and feel like I can't cope anymore, my daughter always manages to put a smile on my face, my child makes life worth living and can sometimes snap me out of feeling sorry for myself. Talk to your doctor about this, he/she should guide you in the right direction, if not, get another one and make sure you are happy with what support you will receive before having a baby. Good luck:)