So, I am starting a new job on Monday and although I am excited about the role, I am so overwhelmed and anxious about the first day, first week and even the long term. To clarify, there's a lot of big things about this job and a lot of firsts. It's my first full-time role and my first 'real' job which is essentially a career. I'm sorry if this is a long post but I just need to let it out.
First off, I had a bad experience from my past job where they threw me in the deep end in a job that was actually kind of dangerous and I was left to work in the building alone - I embarrassed myself when I had to deal with customers and I didn't know something, even got shouted at a few times, had terrible anxiety before going in to work (in the early days) because I didn't feel I could handle it. I would even go to the lengths of making the place look as though it was closed because I was so scared of a large group of customers coming in and feeling like I didn't know what to do or even being yelled at. Eventually, I picked everything up but it took longer than it needed to had I been trained properly. I was there for 3 years and ended up loving it eventually but those first few months were tough and I guess they did scar me a bit. The organisation I am going to is a proper huge organisation - which means they have loads of training before I am allowed to do the job on my own. I was even told by them that 'it will be weeks until I am allowed to just get on with it on my own'. That has definitely put my mind at rest and I think it's just going to be a lot of online training, showing me around etc. My dad has said that they have too much to lose by not training me properly and he's right and my boyfriend said that really the first few days at work should be the best because no one expects too much from you. This is all true of course, but I still worry as I feel like my performance, even if as simple as how much training I get through, will be heavily monitored and I will be a focus of attention. I am also scared to say when I don't understand something or need help because I worry they will think I am not good enough for the role.
All of this on top of the fact that I have social anxiety, and fewer things are more daunting than starting a new job at a massive company where you feel everyone will be introduced to you and staring at you. I am so worried I will embarrass myself with my social awkwardness - even something as stupid as the way I stand that gives away that I am socially awkward, making a mistake, stumbling over words, sounding stupid, etc. I also feel like the way you enter somewhere - whether it be a school, office, university - how you start is how you tend to go on because it then becomes too awkward to change that. For example, I know when I get really nervous, I will go into survival mode, I will appear socially awkward, extremely quiet and not confident. I don't want to be like that the entirety of my career there and it could even jeopardize said career. There's more to my personality and I want people to see that. I was nervous in the interview but in my feedback I was surprised to see that they said my personality shone through, so perhaps I just don't see myself the way others do. Also, take into account that I haven't worked in two years (one for the full-time masters I did, the other because of covid) and it means I have lost some confidence. Covid and lockdown in particular, although at first it was like a introverts dream, it hasn't done me any favours as now even the simplest of phone calls give me anxiety as I have gotten away with minimal human interaction for the past year.
I am overjoyed with the job - covid has made it so hard to find work and at times I have been so down, anxious and worried about money and where my life was going. The job has been a relief and honestly if I wasn't starting it now I would be completely screwed financially. So although that makes it more of a relief, it also adds some pressure to it as well. There's quite a long probationary period - 6 months - so I'm jumping to horrible conclusions like 'what if I can't do the job and they let me go', not to mention the fact everyone around me is so pleased for me. And there's also added pressure in the sense that if I hate it for whatever reason - the stress, affects on my health, horrible people, etc, I can't just think I can leave and get something else. Believe me, it has been a struggle.
Having said all this, I do really want to do my best at this job and I am excited about it. It's for that reason that I am anxious about it - because I care.
Anyone have any advice on coping with starting a new job when you literally have anxiety over everything (literally I am even anxious about driving there and parking)? And I hope I didn't offend anyone who is struggling with unemployment right now - not my intention as I have been going through that for months and I am very pleased with this job.
