Letting go of a best friend
I want to say sorry if this is super long, its like a letter of a expression of feeling to myself but also if anyone has ever felt this way
So as I mentioned very shortly in another post, I've been having issues with someone I've been very close to- my best friend in fact for long time. I've talked about this alot to my therapist and we togther have come to thought that it's best to let the relationship go. It's heart breaking. It's like letting go apart of me.
To put it into context:
Were both 22 now, we've been friends since 14 in school. We were that typical young teenagers who were GLUED at the hip. Like I'm lucky to have a main group of friends thats about 13 people. Of course within that some are closer then others but we all have a love and respect for each other. (There's has been alot of fights within the groups but nothing we all haven't healed from with a certain degree).
So I've always looked at her with Rose tinted glasses, she was my best friend. So I was always offering if's or buts if anyone had a issue with her. She was my best friend, I felt the need to look after her. That people had to know how great she was and this had to be a misunderstanding.
There was always little ups and downs, there is with everyone. Yet there was a theme that kept coming up in our friendship. The feeling of her feelings nattering more than mine. For example, if someone "better" or "more interesting" came along. I was quickly left to the wayside. Just close enough to her that I could see myself being replaced and not needed but when that friendship was dying out. Close enough she would have me with out reached arms, welcimg her back. Forgetting the pain I had felt, the small comments made about her "Best friend, who could do this--" things I couldn't do. Yet I would swallow it and remind myself that it is true. Everyone is a better option than me.
So I know this is long already, she got into a relationship about four months ago. She followed patterns she always did. I was dumped to the side but in a moment of- pride? A moment of self respect I had never had. I brought up how I felt. I didn't try to play the blame game, the oh poor me!! The hey you've been doing this shit for years and I feel like I'm wroth more....lets say this didn't go down so well. She said some... Horrible things to me. Used things against me I had entrusted her with, I didn't think it was possible of her to be so nasty.
So in pain I pulled back, I gave her space. Space for myself, I just wanted to be open, to have a discussion as we are adult now. Not teenagers anymore. My chest hurt from the pain. I would have given or done anything for her. I'm not saying I'm the best friend ever, of course I can be shit at times but I did so much for her. All out of my love and my friendship for her.
Like for her 21st birthday I brought her on the holidays of her dreams because she had a bad year and I wanted to start the next year of her life as a good one. She spent the whole time talking to her (then partner now ex), I was informed recently by a contacted there that she spent most of the holiday complaining about my company and how boring I can be nowadays (I used to drink alot I won't lie, I gave it up when I was 21 as that was when I had a huge breakdown and did have some actual health issues so my lifestyle changed. Like it was very hard for me to leave the country at that time but I worked so hard on over coming the fear to do this for her). I'm aware this is sounding like I'm being like I'm such a good friend, who doesn't want me!! I know that's so selfish and she can't give her view of this.
So after this event a few weeks ago, it was my good amazing friends birthday. She contacted me that night saying that she wasn't coming because apprently she didn't think she was invited and had made other plans when in truth it was said in the groupchat which she is a member of?? And the general rule of our friends if it's said in the group its for everyone in the chat. This was a huge stresser for me. So we got into another fight, well her saying stuff to me and me trying to do my best but failing.
I know this all sounds like stuipd stuff but I'm leaving out alot of details.
So at my latest therapy session, my therapist said is this pain wroth it. The sadness and for the first time after so many years of defining her... For the first time I had to say with a pain heart. No, it wasn't wroth it anymore. It hurt to say, it pained me to say. I cried alot, this isn't a one time thing. It's been a long time in the making. I think my therapist need me to see how toxic it was before the talk of letting her go began.
So after so many years of friendship, there was lot of good times. I won't say it was all bad and lie. I'm letting go of the person I thought was my best friends and we would be sitting in rocking chairs togther go.
It hurts alot to type this, I'm sorry if it's all ramble or I'm coming across like a huge *******.
Re: Letting go of a best friend
Part of really becoming a confident adult is realising that not everyone in your life is there to stay (Mind, some people never do move on and continue for some reason with people who are of no mutual 'benefit' - not wanting to feel loss, or guilt, or a lack of ability to throw aside worthless relationships). You can grow up with someone, but then grow apart as you mature, find different paths, form different philosophies and principles - and find that the person who was just great at one point in your life, no longer is. You are clearly now just so different as individuals and I think good times aren't a waste of time, as they teach you about yourself and form your views on life at a time you needed that person. Its sad, it feels like a loss, but she is giving you massive 'hints' that you doesn't feel the same way as she used to either - move on and move on with pride and confidence. The older you get the more you will define the sort of people who ARE worth being with, and be less accepting of situations and people who aren't give and take, moving on from those relationships that 'don't work' is just part of respecting yourself.
Re: Letting go of a best friend
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Carys
Part of really becoming a confident adult is realising that not everyone in your life is there to stay (Mind, some people never do move on and continue for some reason with people who are of no mutual 'benefit' - not wanting to feel loss, or guilt, or a lack of ability to throw aside worthless relationships). You can grow up with someone, but then grow apart as you mature, find different paths, form different philosophies and principles - and find that the person who was just great at one point in your life, no longer is. You are clearly now just so different as individuals and I think good times aren't a waste of time, as they teach you about yourself and form your views on life at a time you needed that person. Its sad, it feels like a loss, but she is giving you massive 'hints' that you doesn't feel the same way as she used to either - move on and move on with pride and confidence. The older you get the more you will define the sort of people who ARE worth being with, and be less accepting of situations and people who aren't give and take, moving on from those relationships that 'don't work' is just part of respecting yourself.
Thank you so, so much for taking the time to read that text of rambling Carys :hugs:I know sometimes alot of thoughts get mixed up together! The more I've looked at it, the more I've understood that this may hurt but it's the right thing. You can't push for something that isn't going to work out. That the good times were good times! Not something to hold onto some pain. It's about not over;y glossing the past maybe? But also moving on
Re: Letting go of a best friend
I have a similar story to yours, I had a friend we had been friends since we were 12 always together, joined at the hip 25 years into our friendship we stopped being friends, I won't go into details but it was much like yours, it does hurt, but in reality I actually realized that once we get older and start to heal and change and start doing what is right for us, and start succeeding in life, you find out who your friends really are, I am so sorry this happened to you and it does hurt, but time will heal, it may take awhile but it will, and sure you'll have memories of the good times you guys had, I still do with me and mine and you'll feel a bit sad and then on some days you won't even think of that person until a song comes on or a movie that you guys loved.
