Hi all, if I think to much about what I am going to type, I'll never type it so I'll just crash on and hit send :D
Middle aged bloke here who was made redundant a couple of years ago from a place I invested my heart and soul into (green energy), I think I was in shock for the the whole time I was applying for jobs (redundancy was actually pretty traumatic for me and totally new and totally unexpected) and suffered from depression while failing to find another job in my chosen field (conservation) then found a part-time job in a slightly different field (wildlife products), realised I was pretty seriously depressed and started looking for help (was diagnosed and signed up for a clinical trial - the macro psilocybin one) and was really chuffed for a bit but then started suffering from anxiety as well, leading to a bit of a borderline crisis earlier this year. It also led to me being ejected from the trial due to my anxiety, which made me sad as I was looking forward to facing the depression with some help. Anyway, I managed to hang on to my new job, just about, but I know I ruined my potential there and am still on probation a year later and it kindof feels a bit like a Sword of Damocles...
Then we had lockdown and I was furloughed which on the one hand was strangely comforting as I felt like I had been in lockdown and beating myself up for it for a couple of years and I was being told to stay at home and take pictures of wildlife and watch Twitch for a few months in glorious weather. I didn't continue looking for help (I went to see a therapist once and she said she wanted to work with me but then didn't rely to my email - which was a bit off putting!) and had a few periods of relative normality during the summer, which was lush but this anxiety isn't going away. I feel like the depression is manageable at this stage but I am wary about it coming back, I still feel pretty fragile. I am going to need to get some treatment for the anxiety realsoonnow. I am not really sure what flavour of anxiety I have exactly as to be honest, I never really looked into it before and certainly didn't understand any of it. I suppose that's the same for most people who haven't experienced it. Any kind of negative thought, external excitement or overstimulation, crowds, social engagements being arranged for me by family or an early morning work appointment etc can trigger tight chest, apnoea, palps, the urge to flee or rage and general 'vibrating' but also bouts of insomnia and restlessness (especially if I know I have to get up early). I can't even play computer games and struggle to motivate myself to do things I know I enjoy generally :( I also seem to have lost all my friends over the years due to my lack of social willingness and general laxity in communicating too so yeah, my crisis point was a very lonely experience mostly because the one person who I know loves me was not understanding me at that time - we're in a better place now.
So that's the recent potted history but I have a longer history of social awkardness and social anxiety, but have worked at festivals and events and nightclubs around lots of messed up people over the years, which may have actually made me worse. Oh the stories... anyway I stopped getting messed up myself a long time ago, I rarely drink more than half a pint of beer these days and certainly can't wake and bake any more, in fact THC triggers my anxiety pretty badly... CBD seems to help a bit, especially with the sleep but it's not a silver bullet for sure.
I read a few of the guides on NMP about 12 months ago when I started to realise I was suffering from anxiety and came back today to sign up.
Oh I have a whippet too! He's anxious also, especially tonight (BANG BANG!) but we're a right pair. He's my other best friend, apart from my wife.
So, here's an awkward wave from me :emot-wave: and this is me hitting send before I read this back and start editing :unsure:
