Question I'm finally speaking up about

This may be a long one but I would appreciate it if you took the time. I've always had this sort of question in my head regarding how I feel sometimes and about a situation that happened a while back and depersonalization has always sounded like the most accurate description of this.

I'll start from the beginning: back in 2015, me (20 year old Male at the time), my ex, and my ex's sister all went up to a trip to New York, this was my first ever trip going without my parents so I was a bit nervous. We didn't catch any sleep the day before departure. We got to new York and we sort of just started our day, went with our plans. You know, we walked around, ate around, visited plenty of places. But wow we of course were exhausted. Imagine running on 0 hours and then seeing a huge chunk of Manhattan. On top of that, we stayed in Brooklyn so we already had to make a trip just to get to Times Square. By the end of the day, we were beyond exhausted, walking back around 10pm. Now, I've never been drunk before nor do I drink, but if I have to guess what the sensation was like, it was that. It all felt like a dream, I could barely distinguish faces walking on the sidewalk, the sounds were deafening, I felt super woozy, almost like I was dreaming. The trip back was like 30 minutes and the subway was the worst, I had a headache the whole trip. But that's when it happened, I'm PRETTY sure I started having my first panic attack ever. I was freaking out thinking I was dying because I felt so had. Didn't think I was gonna make it. Once we finally got back, I could barely speak to them and they even said they felt the exact same of course. And to top it off, I couldn't sleep that night either, from some crazy vivid dreams that made me even more anxious.

Eventually I did get some sleep, but the whole rest of the trip never felt quite right. I always felt off, like I wasn't quite there. Like I was constantly dreaming the situation. Once our trip ended, time passed and I never quite felt better. Eventually I broke up with my ex like a year after and time flew by. Still to this day I have days were I feel so out of it. I'm anxious a lot and have struggled with anxiety since. But I never had issues like this before that day at all. Some days I even thought some crazy things like I'm sure we all do sometimes in the back of our heads, like, what if I died that day? What if I fell into a coma or something? Sorry for how childish and silly that sounds but I'm sure you guys have thought some wild stuff sometimes even unintentionally lol

It almost feels like I'm watching a movie of the thinga I'm doing, or like I'm in a bubble watching everything from third person view. I'm much better these days than I was closer to that trip but of course it's never fully gone away. And with this pandemic and quarantine, it's got me wondering about all this. Was that my first taste of my anxiety kicking in? Maybe I'm fine and it's some sort of PTSD? Maybe it really is depersonalization?

Thabk you so much for your time, it's not necessarily an urgent thing but it's something I would like to see if anyone else has felt this or maybe has some pointers about it! Stay safe!

I went through a period of derealisation/depersonalisation caused by a very bad relapse in my anxiety after my mum's death. As my anxiety got worse, my GP recommended changing meds - which did not go well, and I ended up on my original medication after about 4 weeks. In the last week before I restarted the original tablets I didn't sleep for about 5 days due to having recurring panic attacks in my sleep. I was so exhausted by the end of the week that I felt drunk, and nothing felt real. The recovery from this period took months, and for about 3 or 4 months nothing felt real - it was like I was in a dream and I did have moments where I wasn't sure that the world was really existing and sometimes even checked with friends that they were indeed real! I have lapses of derealisation fairly regularly, especially when I'm stressed or tired (I have a sleep disorder which can make me very tired, which is helpful).

I doubt you have PTSD, but I'm not an expert. It sounds like the onset of the anxiety issue.

You just have to remember that derealisation/depersonalisation is the brain's way of protecting itself when you are super anxious or stressed, even if this is subconscious. The best way to deal with it is to just let it be. I do grounding work on the days when it reoccurs, and it always passes.