A blip?

Hi guys,

I'll apologise now for this post as its probably a bit self indulgent. I've been feeling generally better over the last couple of weeks but for some reason over the last few days have felt really tired and today feel absolutely rotten. My head tells me its just a hiccup but I feel so low and flat. I could just crawl away into a hole and never come out. I'm so so tired of this ...up and down...never just normal. And this is me on antidepressants....what would I be like without them.

Work is so awful and it really is getting harder to go in each day and I know thats a large part of how I feel. But I'm trapped, my boss is awful and shes just waiting for me to show any sign of weakness ( or at least thats how it seems). And its so tiring trying to look as if I'm ok all the time. I work really hard and do my very best in my job but it just doesnt seem to be enough.

I feel so inferior and inadequate and I'm tired of feeling like this, like being on a treadmill I'm just going round and round in circles.

I know the problem is me...I know I have huge self esteem issues and I know the only person suffering because of the way I am is me...I'm doing it to myself. And I know its very selfish because it does affect my family, I'm doing it to them too, and I'm a rotten role model for my children...I really dont want them growing up with my hangups and insecurities.

But I dont know how to change, not deep inside. I know the right things to say and do but I dont know how to really feel them. I dont know how to like myself or even accept myself. I'm sure you'll all think I'm crazy and sometimes I do think theres something fundamentally wrong with me. Like I'm wrong, like I have no right to be....sorry I know this isnt making much sense. Maybe I am mad? As a person i feel all wrong and I dont know how to feel 'right' and I'm tired of pretending. Is this it ? Am I just going to go round in these horrible circles for the rest of my life? How do I move on? I wish I could stop feeling and just get on with living.

I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself 'snap out of it'. I know in my head that this will pass (till next time) but for now I'm so tired of living like this.

I'm sorry..as I said major self indulgence but I hoped writing things down and spilling it out on here would maybe help.

thanks for listening

Coni x

Coni,

I think you answered your own question as to what is wrong - work. When we are unhappy with something that we do 8 or 9 hours a day and feel unappreciated when we do it and already have anxiety issues it can definately cause what you call a hiccup. It can also deepen an already depressed person or make someone depressed. You are not mad, if you were you would not even be making that statement. Crazy people do not question their sanity. I think it is good to write down our feelings, get them out. If you are so unhappy with your current employment I suggest that you might search elsewhere if possible. At least entertain the thought. If not, just know that these feelings will move on. If they don't have you ever been to counseling to talk things over with someone to boost your self-esteem. It seems to me it is getting trampled every day at work. I hope I have helped some.

Bel

Hi Bel,

thanks for your reply. Your right...work is a huge problem. This job has completely destroyed what very little self belief I ever had and it has reduced me to nothing. I know a job shouldnt define who you are but it was the only thing that allowed me to hold my head up and think at least I can 'do' something.

I worked so hard to get this job and now I'm so unhappy. After being off with stress/depression, its very much like I've done something wrong, to be ashamed of and now I'm of no value. Its like being back at school. Instead of supported I feel like I'm being tested...I know other colleagues who have also felt like this....it seems to be the climate I work in, but unfortunately theres nothing I can do about it. To get another job I need to show I can cope with what I'm doing and thats getting harder and harder.

And I'm just so tired, I cant even begin to describe how much of a struggle it is to get myself up and go every day. And yet I know that the day I give up, I've lost completely.

I was having counselling but unfortunately my counsellor had to change jobs so that has now stopped. And I couldnt face the thought of starting over with someone new, and I know I need to stand on my own two feet sometime.

I just seem to have become completely crippled by self doubt and dislike and I dont know how to start changing who I am.

I know I've waffled on again! I really appreciate your reply.

Thanks
Coni X

Hi Nigel,

thanks for replying....you know I never thought of hypnosis as a way forward, I think I might give that a try...after all I've nothing to lose. I think Ive read all the self help books on self esteem, and can relate totally to whats said, but just cant seem to change....its like I'm stuck. And I dont want to live like this anymore.

Thank you again.

Coni X

Hi Nigel, thanks a lot I'll certainly give it a go...I'll try anything (within reason lol) if it helps. I'm really quite interested in how the mind works and how things like hypnosis tap into the subconscious.

Thanks again

Coni X