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Re: Mirt Diary
My guess is that your brain produced those thoughts of not being able to get back to sleep again...and then you tried too hard so a self-fulfilling prophecy? You've had so long of not taking sleep for granted..It's hard to accept that you will be able to sleep naturally again but you will..
I think you will be able to come off the mirt and stay off. By all means research alternative stuff but you could well be stable without anything.
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Re: Mirt Diary
Thanks Pulisa - you are hopefully right.
Still on 1mg or so of Mirt. Last night was rough. Had relaxing bath, meditation etc, lemon balm, insitol and even some melatonin, but could not sleep. Anxiety grew. ended up taking a 3.75mg zopiclone at about 12.30pm. Still seemed to take an hour to fall asleep - and struggled not to get worked up about all these things not working and the insomnia being brutal and lasting forever etc etc
Then woken about 6.30am by my son.
Feel tired, groggy and anxious today. Not sure if this is withdrawal or just the same underlying problems that have been there throughout. I have had insomnia off Mirt, and on it after all.
Have to try and survive today and tonight (have work xmas party this evening which is the last thing I feel like doing). Then Friday night if I still feel awful I will take a lorezepam.
Trying hard not to catastrophise, but my mood is very low today, and the ongoing issues with my mental health are frightening me. Hard not to think I am permanently broken.
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Re: Mirt Diary
I think you're trying too hard. You're not permanently broken-just suffering from sleep deprivation and your desire to find a solution is exhausting you and is all-consuming.
Why not take a break from documenting your sleep patterns because this can be counter productive and keeps the focus on insomnia?
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Re: Mirt Diary
Pulisa,
Thanks - you are right, I know. I seem to spend all of my time thinking and worrying about my mental health. When I have had some sleep and feel ok, it is not such an issue, but days like today when I am exhausted and stressed and anxious, it is hard not to fixate on it, and fixate on the anxious sensations within me.
All this monitoring of how i feel, and worrying about this withdrawal process and all the rest is totally counterproductive. I guess it comes from that idea that somehow, if I just research enough, or think enough about what is going on with me, I will find some magic solution that will make everything alright. But the only real magic solution would be to relax, stop thinking about it, and let it be.
I know too that the work xmas party, and my end of year appraisal tomorrow (with 3 partners!) is not exactly helping with my anxiety/stress levels either! If I get through these two days, we have a Hannukah party at our house on Saturday with about 24 people, all of whom I love very much, so am going to look forward to that. Plus Friday night my son is sleeping at his granny's house, so I will get a lie in!
Must just try and keep positive and keep on truckin on.
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Re: Mirt Diary
Look forward to your party once you've got tonight and tomorrow over (no mean feat) and try to "let it be"? You will never be able to do enough "research"-the answer lies in acceptance and as quiet a mind as possible, certainly at night. Ditch your night time "regime" at the weekend and see what happens? Hopefully the party will be a truly enjoyable occasion with people you love. No reason why it shouldn't be and a break from all the torment is long overdue!
I think you've done incredibly well to keep going at work. Have you actually told them about what's been going on? Somehow I doubt it. It's a very difficult situation to be in but you should be proud of yourself for carrying on regardless.
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Re: Mirt Diary
So apparently 2 glasses of red wine + 1mg melatonin = good long sleep and feeling very chipper today...Either that or the Insitol is helping, which is the only other variant.
Only two more days of tiny bits of pill and then I will be med free.
Xmas party last night was fine, and I enjoyed myself, with no anxiety or other issues.
You are totally right that I just need to let it be. Whatever happens, happens. It is such a waste of my life to spend so much of it worrying about this stuff.
I have not told work - though I have told a couple of my closer colleagues. And my secretary has struggled with insomnia for years, so we chat about that sometimes. But I would never tell my bosses - too much chance of it being seen as a "weakness". Even though actually doing a good job at work while dealing with all this rubbish is indicative of strength, as far as I am concerned. I think you guys on here fighting on with way worse mental health issues than me are some of the strongest people I have come across.
Anyway. My review is in a couple of ours, then I will have a nice fun weekend, and start next week med free.
Good luck and best wishes to all of you.
---------- Post added at 11:36 ---------- Previous post was at 11:10 ----------
Oh and Pulisa - I just wanted to say thanks again to you for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.
My plan is to post less frequently in this thread now I have pretty much got to 0 on the med. I will do some updates just to detail how things are going, and if anything interesting occurs. My aim with this thread has always been to provide help for people in the future, as I found such diaries very useful. Hopefully, if all goes well coming off the meds, it will be good to have a positive account to show that withdrawal does not always have to be a nightmare!
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Re: Mirt Diary
I hope the review went well and I just wanted to wish you well for the coming weeks, jomo.
This thread is inspirational and will be a great help to many, I'm sure. You have done so well to keep going and to withdraw completely from the mirt whilst carrying on working as normal despite all the setbacks and symptoms. I look forward to your updates as and when and I wish you a really happy time at your party tomorrow!
All the very best!
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Re: Mirt Diary
Thanks Pulisa - Review went well - said I was one of the "star" associates, and had had an excellent year! Just goes to show that what we feel like inside, and how much we feel we are struggling, does not necessarily correlate to how we appear to others, and how productive we are actually being. When I was feeling particularly anxious I was worrying that I was not doing my work properly, that I would get a bad review and get fired etc, so this was a good reminder not to listen to such thoughts!
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Re: Mirt Diary
That's fantastic news and maybe the best news you could have to set you up for the coming weeks?!! Despite everything you are a "star" employee! Remember that if you think you are "broken"? You're anything BUT "broken" to others but just put a lot of pressure on yourself..
Onwards and upwards, Jomo!
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Re: Mirt Diary
Hello anxiousjomo I followed your diary and it is admirable, two questions: if I take another antidepressant (escitalopram) and use 7.5mg of mirtazapine to sleep, it will be difficult to leave the mirtazapine when the psychiatrist indicates it? What have you been told is the cause of your insomnia, is it anxiety? One last question, do you do CBT, how did you do with that?Greetings.