I feel worthless, alone, stuck, depressed, a failure, an outcast. Even after my trip to hell, i feel this is the lowest point i've been in so far in my life. I do nothing all day apart from sit on my chair and play on my computer. I feel sick, ill, almost as if im rotting. I brain is a constant mush of misery and despair, thinking about my future, my past and my present. I came off a 2 night camping trip yesterday, the trip was great and makes me realise i want to get out of this bloody house. I was outside for 3 days, went rock climbing, explored caves. And now im back here, doing nothing but wasting away. My household of 6 is just a zone of depression, i can feel it in the air. My mother takes every chance she gets to say how depressed she is, how much she hates the weather. She never says anything nice about my dad, who is still working for us even though he is meant to be retired. He doesnt want to stop working, he is in ill health. He loves us but my mother just puts him down and it tears me to bits seeing how dysfunctional my family is. I told her to divorce him if she's so miserable. If they do i dont ever want to see either of them again, but if i did it would be my dad id see as i dont blame him for this. He tries his best, he suffers from depression more than any of us.
My relationship with my younger brother is worse than ever, i feel as though i hate him but then feel like a terrible person for doing so. I am a bad person. I am fake when im around my friends, i feel as though im pushing them away. Nobody is happy in my house, its only a matter of time before it all collapses. I go back to uni very soon to live with people i dont like and as it turns out have invited more people to live with us. Im dreading going back, i cant cope with it but my family has put so much money into me that i have to carry on. I have no job, no money. I want to join the army but dont feel i have the mental strength let alone physical, im an overweight, unfit mess. When i say to myself, right lets do something, exercise, do an activity, i get a half second boost of motivation then i plummet.
My intrusive thoughts are getting the better of me again and i feel myself going downhill in that department again. I feel emotionally numb, ive been through too much and feel desensitised to everything.
I hate my life, i have for most of it. Most will say im lucky, but i do not feel lucky in anyway. I just wish i could leave to somewhere remote and never come back, never sit infront of a computer again, never have to yell at my brother again, never have to avoid my parents.
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