My (health) anxiety is getting worse — I'm struggling

[d85]

Hello,

I've been going over in my mind whether or not I should post, but I'm hoping somehow it will help, or that someone may have some advice. Things are really getting on top of me and I'm finding it difficult to see a way forward. I'm desperate. My original post is at http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=95815 which I wrote about 3 months ago.

I've had anxiety (and depression) in many forms all of my life, but since the start of this year, it's been specifically related to my health. My main concern is about HIV. The details & build-up are in my previous post (I didn't want to repeat myself in case some people have already read them). I had testicular pain in May (which, itself, made my anxiety worse) so I had an STD checkup. An HIV test was offered to me but that flared my anxiety up even more as I'd had an HIV test in February (which came back negative), but I started to convince myself the test in February was wrong and "if the test is there with the other STD tests, you should take it — if you don't, you're asking for trouble". The decision was paralysing. In the end I decided not to have the HIV test, but went ahead with the others (which came back fine 2 weeks later).

But the night I got home from the clinic, I started to worry about the testing procedure and then fixated on "what if the lady who did my blood test (purposefully) injected me with something while I wasn't looking?" and this thought has stayed with me ever since. I'm now convinced she did inject me (with blood). Every day I replay the 60 seconds of the blood test, trying to get some kind of grasp on it. I sometimes spend hours each day googling to see if it's feasibly possible to be injected using the apparatus used to collect blood samples. I've been even more aware of my body since then, in case I developed any symptoms of an infection, to the point where I became obsessed with trying not to develop even a cold (in case those symptoms confused me). I had a pain in the arm for a few days after the blood test, and then muscular pain that worked its way to my shoulders/neck with a slight cough for about 10 days, and they are still stuck in my head as "proof she did something". On the rare occasions I manage to calm myself down and think that perhaps she didn't, I convince myself that in that case, the test in February was wrong, or I've contracted it since the test. So, I can't remove the thought from my head at all. Talking or writing about it makes me feel quite distressed in itself.

I don't know what to do. Every day I have that knot in the stomach feeling, and the thought of a future makes me physically sick. I can just about think of the next day, but no further. I feel doubly awful because one of my best friends has just been told, last week, that he is HIV+. I'm trying to be there for him while attempting to remain sane in my own head (I don't think I've told him the extent of my anxiety/what it's specifically about), and I feel disgusted at myself for having these worries in my head about the "what ifs" while he's having to cope with his news. I'm ashamed of myself, but I don't know how to cope.

I had a counselling assessment and I'm on a waiting list for NHS counselling but it's already been over a month & I haven't heard anything. I have a Dr's appointment in 10 days' time to ask to go back onto antidepressants (I haven't taken any since 2007), but I'm going to ring tomorrow & try to get an earlier appointment as I'm becoming desperate. I had diazepam when I first had the panic attacks 3 months ago, though didn't take many at the time, but I've taken 4mg each night for the last two nights. I'm willing to pay for counselling, but I don't know where to start, especially as I live in a rural area — I'm wondering if ringing Anxiety UK will help? While searching for information, I've come across "Purely Obsessional OCD" and wonder if that's somehow diagnostic of what I'm experiencing. I also feel like I'm wrong to try and help myself — like if I try and get myself back to a happier place, I'm asking for trouble.

Most of my friends know, to some extent, how I'm feeling. But because I'm still able to explain things coherently (and hide my true feelings), they think I'm coping, but I'm not. I've tried explaining it exactly to my mum/dad/nan and they have a better grasp than most, but they don't truly understand either. I keep thinking... I don't want to die, but I don't want to live if life is going to be like this for the rest of it. I'm sure many people on this forum know what I mean.

Writing this post has helped a little, though it's also made me realise just how complex my problems are and how much help I need. I'm sorry if I repeated myself, and thank you for reading. Any response would mean the world to me, so thank you again.

[kinnygirl1]

Hi there

Although my anxiety is different to yours I can understand the feeling of not being able to get it out of your head and for other people to think you are coping when you know you are not. This is a feeling I had for many months and only just starting to get a handle on. I am on meds now and this is helping, hopefully will for you too so make sure you talk to GP about it.

I wonder if it would help you any to bite the bullet and have another HIV test. Take a friend with you so that they can reassure you it was done in a clean and sterile way. Also, do the services that test you for HIV offer any specific HIV related counselling? May be worth a try. I think it helps to do something proactive about your anxiety and this may be a step forward?

Hope this helps and that you are on road to recovery soon.

Kinnygirl x

[Davinci817]

You should go back and read the advice from the first time you had this fear, you had some good ones.

I'm not a doctor or nurse but I would think it would be difficult to inject anything into that blood drawing contraption. When they run an IV they have a special little place in addition to the line that is in permanent, so they have a place to inject. Seems logical that it would be that way because it is difficult to shoot anything back through that tiny contraption that they put into the vials to let the blood go in there. I have watched my blood being drawn more times than I can remember and it is shooting out so fast that if they attempted to do anything but catch it, there would be blood spewing all over the place.

On top of this thought, where would this nurse be hiding her lethal dose of HIV in the middle of an office that people come in and out of? Just quickly looking, the very concentrated doses of HIV that they use in a lab are 90 to 99% dead within a couple of hours. So this person would really have had to work hard to keep a live specimen going in order to dose you up with an infection.

Hope this gives you a bit of a rational thought to think about. If you were clear in February, you are probably clear now so long as you haven't been running around that gorgeous British countryside having unprotected sex and shooting up heroine with dirty needles.

[Davinci817]

Good suggestions from Kinny on taking a friend with you and having them watch the blood being drawn at least then you will know. Once you have back that negative reading then just keep yourself protected and you shouldn't have to worry about this ever again.

[d85]

Thank you both for the responses. I'm really hoping the doctor will be able to give me some more advice, and perhaps medication will help. I did have a chat with the health advisor at the clinic after they did the tests (before this paranoia flared up) and she was understanding, though suggested I see my GP. If you don't mind me asking, kinnygirl1, what medications are you taking?

I understand why you suggested having another test, but I worry that if I do take another test, I'm just reaffirming my fears, and I know that in my current state of mind I'll probably have relief for a day or two before convincing myself that the test was incorrect or that I was tested too early for the results to be conclusive etc.

I got myself into a panic in February (despite not having had sexual contact for over 2 years) which led to me having that test. The results calmed me, but then when I had this option of another test in May, everything flared up again. I've read a few cases of people having 3, 4, 5 or more tests because they can't shake off that "what if" feeling. I don't want to make it worse, in that regard... If that makes sense?

Thanks for the reassurance, Davinci817. I've tried to convince myself of those things, though I suppose as all of us with HA know, even if we're given logical explanations, our brains will usually somehow come up with something to fit our perceived experience. I think I believe she had a syringe of blood in her pocket that she collected earlier & took out while I wasn't looking and somehow attached it to the testing case. The things she said like, "I'll let you know when I'm doing it so you can look away" are probably all normal things, but my anxiety-filled brain has taken them to mean she didn't want me to look while she did it to me.

I now haven't had sex for almost 3 years, and have never done drugs, but it's that thought that it happened maliciously during the blood test, or perhaps the February test was wrong, or that I could have it through some obscure way. I feel like I'm going mad, or at least like a broken record (sorry).

[MandySlade]

First of all (not that I have any way of knowing other than you're posts) I'm pretty sure you're absolutely fine. That being said, maybe some exposure therapy would work for you? Let's just say that your worst fears have come true and you have HIV (I'm not trying to upset you). Now what? Is that it? You could live many many years completely active and healthy with HIV. You would develop a treatment plan and you would get on with your life. Right now though, you're so consumed by your phobia that you're barely living your life as it is. Trust me, I have absolutely been there. Not with HIV in particular, but with plenty of other diseases and ailments. Back when I was at an extreme low point with my health anxiety, the therapist I was seeing basically told me the same thing. My big fear then was schizophrenia. I was doing constant checking to make sure other people heard what I heard saw what I saw, etc. If I had a weird thought or dejavu I was convinced it was an early symptom. The therapist, after telling me all the logical reasons I already knew that meant I probably didn't have it, said "Well, what if you do? or what if you develop it eventually?" to which I replied how awful it would be. Then he said to me "so?" and basically kept telling me that my phobia was being caused by worst case/catastrophic thinking. He told me I should try to work through the horrible thoughts instead of doing rituals to calm myself. So, for awhile, I would imagine the more logical aspects of what might happen if I in fact developed the disease. Not the doomsday outcomes I was terrified of, but the more common and also highly possible ones. Now, I'm still scared of it. I won't lie to you... and I have my bad days where it comes to the front of my mind for a bit, but it doesn't work me up the way it used to. Now when I think about it (which is far far less often) my mind goes to that place of "well then I guess I'll just deal with it" a lot easier than before. Of course I recommend seeing someone to help you through this, but I know it can be done.

[kinnygirl1]

Hi Again D85

I am on Fluoxetine.I am finding it works for me although it does take time.

I think you need to decide what you would need to hear to feel reassured about your fear. If you do decide to take another test then you would have to set yourself the goal that this is as far as you would take it and move on from it once you get the result. From what you have said though, it would seem that you must be very low risk of HIV and I think you know deep down on some level that you do not have it so perhaps as Mandyslade said some counselling to really deal with this fear might be more effective.

My dad always says "this too will pass" and I am trying to hold onto that at the moment. Hope you feel better soon too.

Kinnygirl x

[LaNae]

My theory is that you (and all of us with health anxiety) aren't really afraid of what the subject is. I think that there is a chemical imbalance which causes fear and anxiety, and then our minds search desperately for some reason to explain the anxiety, so that we have something to focus on. I think it comes from our ancestors who, if they felt a surge of panic, needed to see grass move or a tail twitch in order to know the direction of the danger. Your fear is trying to protect and serve you in this way by giving you a false danger to focus on, and every time you connect the subject of HIV with panic it gets reinforced, saying to your mind that this is indeed important, a threat that must be watched out for.

So, what to do? Sort out the chemical imbalance as much as possible, see if anxiety can possibly be a side-effect of any medication you're taking, focus on a diet of at least half raw foods if posible, minimal sugar/wheat/processed food, and lots of water and herbal tea (particularly chamomile) as dehydration can aggravate anxiety.

Look at any way to relax you- lavender oil, massage (you can learn massage techniques on yourself especially regarding hands and feet), exercise to get rid of excess stress hormones, time with people/things/places that make you smile. Force a smile on your face when you're feeling bad as it will send a signal to your brain that you're okay. Focus on the little things that can make you happy- clean sheets, fresh flowers on a table, a good film, treat yourself and love yourself a bit.

Every time the fear comes up remind yourself it's your imagination, your thoughts, playing with 'what it is that you don't want to think about'. It's not a real fear, it's a scarecrow, and do the courageous thing of ignoring it, thinking about something else, and being happy.

Best of luck. You're not alone- this is classic anxiety patterns.

[d85]

Thank you again for the replies. I'm always conscious of trying not to sound like I'm going round in circles and repeating myself — I'd hate to annoy people with my posts, but it does help to talk it through with people who understand (as I'm sure you know).

I saw my GP on Monday and he prescribed 20mg fluoxetine for an initial 30 days, and I took the first dose that morning, but then I got progressively worse as the day went on about the side effects from it (I shouldn't have googled them, of course). My main concern was the 7% or so of people who develop a rash from it, and I know that if I developed that, it would make my anxiety worse, so I haven't taken any more. I'm seeing my regular GP in a week, so I'll talk to her about everything that's troubling me. I want to take the fluoxetine to at least try and feel better, but the anxiety of the side effects feels too great. I also had some randomised itching on Monday night and an awful night's sleep Monday/Tuesday so I'm wondering if they were from the fluoxetine or coincidental (I can normally sleep solidly, but woke up every hour and didn't feel rested even when asleep).

I came down to my nan's yesterday for a few days as I thought the break would do me good, but I was so anxious on the train. Then on the bus, I was so worried someone was going to do something to me that I sat sideways, with my back facing the window, to try and keep an eye on everyone. It's still worrying me now.

MandySlade, I understand what you mean & have been trying to go along the same lines, but it seems so difficult. I definitely want to see someone, and as soon as possible. I'm on the waiting list for NHS CBT, but I'm not sure when that will be. If I knew who to go with, privately, I'd be willing to spend any money I had to try and help somehow... I'm just not sure where to start/how I'd know who's best to go with. If I may ask, how long did it take you from the onset of the schizophrenia worries until you reached a point where you felt it was at least partly under control?

Thanks kinnygirl1. How long have you been on fluoxetine? Did/do you have any side effects? From what I've been reading, it seems to work really well for some people, and really badly for some, though I suppose that's typical of any drug. I wish I knew what would reassure me, and I've often wondered if my brain's chosen this route because there isn't a simple reassurance, if that makes sense? Even if I had another test, I believe I'd still struggle (especially with the thoughts I had on the train and bus yesterday). I really hope you feel better soon, too... At least we have people on here who listen, understand & give advice if they can, and I'm very grateful for that.

LaNae, that does make sense. I suppose I've always been somewhat anxious and in a state of alert, but possibly with my granddad's death last year, my brain switched on to an even higher alert because the idea of death was brought to the thought of my mind. I'm going to try and remember your scarecrow analogy.

I'm hoping to go to London in about a month's time to spend a few days with some friends, but thinking about it today has made me almost physically sick. I've never been overly confident — when I've been down before, I've always had to push myself to go out and meet my friends/new people/have fun, but since the health anxiety kicked in, I've lost all my confidence. I can't begin to think about how I'm going to get on in London next month... I feel like I'm not good enough. I especially feel like if I 'ignore' my anxiety and have fun anyway, I'm somehow asking for trouble. Like it demands my respect. I know it doesn't make sense. Thank you again for your help & advice.