OCD and BPD

[shotokansho]

Hi everyone. This will be quite long I hope nobody minds but I am really not in a good place at the moment.

Just over a week ago I went to the pub with some friends, we had a really great time and I was in a happy mood. I had quite a lot to drink and decided it was time to go home but realised my wallet was missing. Everyone tried to find it but it was nowhere to be seen. Loosing it set off my emotions and I ended up self harming, I had totally lost control of my emotions and was very upset so I called the crisis team. I had £4 left in my pocket (I had lost £15 in my wallet), so I decided to walk to the garage to get some cigs. I told the crisis team where I was then hung up the phone. After leaving the garage I was approached by a man, he took my small knife away that I used to harm and then he pushed me up against a wall. He grabbed the areas that he shouldn't then asked me to perform oral sex on him.
I had totally forgot that I had called the crisis team at this point, I managed to free myself from the man and staggered to the middle of the road, then a load of police cars pulled up beside me and put me in handcuffs. I tried to tell them about the man but they wouldn't listen to me, all they knew was that there was someone out very drunk with a knife, I told the police that the man took it. At this point I was distraught, I had at least three police officers holding me down while I tried to fight them off. I became very frightened and this led to aggression.
The police called an ambulance in to tend to my cuts but then the police pulled me out put the cuffs back on and chucked me into the back of a police van. They said they had to do this because I was aggressive towards the paramedics, this I don't remember.
The back of a police van is so small and pure metal it was horrible and I thought I was going to die in there, I couldn't breath and I was sobbing my heart out. The handcuffs were really hurting me and I couldn't move, I also wet myself because I was so desperate for the toilet. They took me to the psychiatric unit at the nearest hospital where I continued to fight and struggle and try to get out. A lady police officer told me that she had better things to do than to be there with me wasting her time and called me a bitch, this of course made me worse.
I was in the cuffs from around 11pm to 6am waiting all that time in a room with police watching over me waiting for a psychiatrist. When the doctor finally came to see me they decided not to section me and sent me home.
The next morning I was covered in cuts and bruises, the bruising were worse around my hands and wrists.
I went to see my GP two days later for a meds review because my psychiatrist thought they may not be working as well and that could have been the reason for my outburst, as well as the alcohol. My GP showed me a letter from my psychiatrist and it said my diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder OCD and Depression. I was staggered, I had no idea and this had been on my file for a few months. I was always told I had OCD because of my intrusive thoughts and now I just feel like I have been labelled with something else, something else that I have to live and deal with. I don't want this illness, I hate it because I feel like I am turning into something else and I am starting to really dislike myself. That night with the police wasn't me, I don't behave like that, I have never been in trouble in my life. In all honesty I did always feel that there was something more going on that just OCD and when I think about it everything does fit. My mood swings, hyperness and hatred ect, I suppose I just didnt want to hear it.
Ever since this night I have been depressed and my OCD thoughts have been very strong and hard to live with which has led me to self harm. I feel desperate, volitile and vulnerable. Last night I saw mum crying because of me, she saw me with a knife, I found her sat in the silence crying. It was horrible, I hate seeing her upset because of me, it rips me apart I lover her so much. I'm feeling so low and scared I just don't know what to do, I hate what I'm feeling and I hate the person I seem to be turning into.
Does anyone else have OCD and BPD? I'm trying to hard but it's becoming exhausting. Please reply.

Kez xx

[liamsnodden]

Hi Kerry,

First of all, I am sorry to hear of your situation and can understand that you must be at a difficuly place at the moment.

It is difficult to give advice on this without knowing what the doctors have said. Are you undergoing any long term treatment for these issues? What have they suggested as an action plan to deal with these issues?

Self harming does effect the people around you as well as yourself, but for those around you, it is important that they understand why you are self-harming so that they can offer help and support. Perhaps a good start would be to sit down with your mum and talk this through with her, or perhaps ask her to come to one of your sessions with your therapist so that she herself can gain a better understanding of your situation.

It sounds like from what you have said, your self harming is caused as a result of anger - this is your way of dealing with the anger and finding a relief from it. What you need to work hard to do is to find another way of coping - next time you think you are going to self harm, try writing down what you are feeling and keeping a journal, or play some music that expresses how you feel. You could even try taking a shower or calling a friend to talk through your feelings.

It is very much a case of 'trail and error', until you find another way of dealing with your feelings.

I hope this is of some help - stay strong and keep working hard

Liam xx