I didn't really know where to post this, but I just felt like I wanted to get this off my chest and hopefully get some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, living together for 4 years. I had my first panic attack about 3 months after we got together, and I have gradually descended into agoraphobia. I work full time but don't feel able to travel more than about 7 or 8 miles from home, and can't do day to day things like go into town shopping, take the dog for a long walk, simple things like that.
Our relationship has been up and down, but there seems to be more downs than ups. We don't exactly argue all the time, but I just don't feel happy. It's hard to know whether I'm unhappy because of my relationship, or because of these panic attacks restricting my life so much. Maybe it's both.
I have also suffered on and off with PVCs/ectopic heartbeats for about 4 years now, and they tend to come and go in phases. I have had periods of a year or so without really having any at all, and then they come back with a vengeance. I am going through a bad stage of PVC's at the moment, and I now get them in runs of as many as 20 in a row, which my doctor tells me is called bigeminy and is not a problem. Although they don't get me in a panic like they used to, I can't help feeling a bit on edge when they start happening, especially since they seem to be getting worse and worse as time goes on. I used to think a run of 4 or 5 was bad.
For the past year, I've also been getting infrequent episodes of 'funny heartbeats'. It only lasts a few seconds, and it scares the life out of me. It feels like a hard thumping irregular beating, and it makes me sit up and take a deep breath/cough before it goes back to normal. I have mentioned it to my doctor, and have been told that as long as it goes back to normal within 10 seconds or so, not to worry too much. Easier said than done! I have had many tests over the past few years, all of which have come back normal, but I also have periods of getting sporadic pains in my chest/arms/jaw, which scare me and make me think that there is something wrong. This is all making getting over my agoraphobia really difficult, as I am constantly finding myself just waiting for this fatal heart arrhythmia.
I work full time, so luckily can afford to live on my own (although I'd be skint!) and I have a dog which means I would have some company! But I just can't seem to make that decision. I have been feeling like this for a long time, and I always end up just plodding on and letting time pass by. My boyfriend is a good person, and I know he loves me very much. He wants us to get married and have children. I am also very aware that he is a fair bit older than me, and the longer I leave it the less chance there is that he can meet somebody else and have children.
I just don't know what to do. Maybe if these panic attacks and funny heartbeats weren't restricting my life so much, then I would be happier and my relationship would be better? We don't really do anything together, mainly because I can't really do anything without getting anxious, and I tend to do better on my own because it makes me feel like I can turn round and go home at any time without having to explain myself. Part of me thinks I should leave, but part of me thinks that would be a terrible decision and I would regret it. He has made it quite clear that once we split up, there will be no going back. We can't just have a break for a while. What if I leave and it makes my panic attacks 10 times worse and I end up being unable to go to work? If I can't go to work, I can't pay my rent and I'll have nowhere to live... I think this is why I end up just staying where I am.
If anybody is in a similar situation or can give me any advice, I would really appreciate it. Thanks.
Reply With Quote
