I need a kick rather than a hug!

[Mr.Jitters]

Hey guys,

I'm probably in need of a kick up the backside rather than a hug, but really feel the need to rant.

I got a call this morning to tell me that my father had a heart attack caused by a viral infection. My immediate reaction was to run out of the door and try to get to him. Couldn't make it past the gate. His partner assured me he's fine on the phone, and should be home tomorrow. I spoke to him and he understands. He always understands.

Words just can't describe how frustrated I am, how ashamed I am, of not being able to get to him on my own. How angry I am with myself. I honestly believed I'd move mountains for my family if I had to.

For five years agoraphobia had this grip over me, but for two years I was free. It's just three months since I travelled halfway across the country on my own by train three times to help a friend move house.

I'll get to him later, with help. For now I just needed to get it out, before I explode. Who knows who I'd be able to rant to, if I hadn't found NMP.

Thanks for listening.

[debs71]

Hi,

Sorry to hear that you Dad is poorly. I wish him a speedy recovery.

Please don't feel badly. Outsiders or more specifically, those who do not understand agorophobia, would of course say that surely you could leave the house in circumstances such as those, but it is just not that simple.

Agorophobia is paralysing and terrifying. I have only suffered it mildly, but even that was horrendous and even in the most dire circumstances, you cannot just overcome it like that.

I am sure that your Dad knows this and understands. It does not mean that you are any less of a son to him. You just have condition that debilitates you, and sometimes - as you describe - you can be fine one minute and then it creeps back in again. It is hard to understand even when you have it, so people who don't have it certainly cannot comprehend, or find it hard to too.

I have a similar thing with my panic attacks. I can be fine for ages (I just came back from travelling abroad alone without any anxiety/panic) and yet all my symptoms can jump up on me again at any time. It is nuts.

Do keep in mind the times that agorophobia HAS NOT beaten you, and you have been able to get out and about, just as you describe. See this as another glitch which you will get through. You sound very positive in so much as you say you 'will get to him with help'.....positive thinking is great.

Take care.xx

[Mr.Jitters]

Thank you so much for the kind and understanding words. Just as good as a kick!

I had a big (manly) cry after getting this off my chest and knowing that someone understands, and despite feeling drained, at least I feel calmer. He does understand, his partner's very angry with me, but we never liked each other much anyway Getting a lift to see him in about an hour.

The reassurance that agoraphobia hasn't beaten me, and this is just another glitch that I'll get through is invaluable. I can't thank you enough for that.

Hope your holiday went well!

[keta]

Hi Mr Jitters
Just want to say don't be too harsh on yourself about your dad's situation. Yesterday my son had a fall at school and cut his face on a bench just under his eye, me and my ex got to school at the same time but it was obvious we had to take him to hospital to get it checked out, so i let my ex to drive us there and all I could think of was my anxiety and being stuck in a car without having control of it or an escape route instead of worrying about my boy sitting at the back with bleeding face. I don't have as severe agoraphobia as you but i can't handle lot of situations in my daily life well anything outside of my routine. I was thinking i need to take one of my Propanol and all this crap and i felt so awful afterwards about the whole situation. So I can relate a bit to how you must have felt

[Carrera74]

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Hope he's on the mend soon.

No kick here just a hug....

Please don't beat yourself up too much about your illness preventing you from leaving the house. You need to be kind to yourself. Those that haven't experienced this debilitating illness do not understand, no matter how they try, how hard it is. Hard seems such a weak word to use as it's more than hard. It feels impossible to leave your safe place. You'll get there! x

[Mr.Jitters]

Thanks Carrera, that means a lot to me. We'll all get there eventually, in our own way. It's just so nice to know that there's support for the torture many of us endure on the journey.

Keta, I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble with your son. I hope he's alright now? I think the worst part of this is knowing that we're stuck in our own heads, and despite our priorities, despite this knowledge, fear comes so quickly and is so strong that we just can't break out. Of course, stress and shock don't help matters at all. I'll try not to be too harsh on myself if you'll do the same

[M155anthr0p3]

Mr Jitters!!!

No kicks for you..you're obviously battling with yourself over this & fighting ourselves is the hardest battle of all.
Thinking of you & wishing your Dad a quick recovery.

Emily xxx

[Mr.Jitters]

Thank you Emily!

Made it to see him with help, feeling much better about it now. Seeing he's fine with my own eyes has helped

Thanks for getting me through this day, guys!

[M155anthr0p3]

Proud of you!!

X

[Carrera74]

Ah fab, glad you got to see him x