I've had on/off anxiety (mostly a lovely mixture of health anxiety and magical-thinking OCD) for about 6 years or so. It mostly comes on when I take the birth control pill. I realise the link, come off the Pill, forget about the effects then start taking it again a year later. I think I've FINALLY realised I need to stop it for good after a severe string of panic attacks this summer after taking one pack of pills right after the other on holiday.
The thing is, sometimes when I feel all this fear course through me, there's a part of me that seems to be still, and say, 'am I actually really scared of (this subject)?' And I think, 'no.' It's like it's a game, or my mind playing with itself. Now, don't get me wrong, the feeling can be EXTREME, I feel in real danger, but sometimes without trying it's like I step away and think, 'this is silly.' For instance, there are some words and subjects that trigger off my OCD, and I read one of these about an hour ago. The terror came over me like a wave, but I stayed still, and I sort of saw through the fear somehow and felt like it was a reflex, perhaps, and not a real danger.
Anyone else have this? It's like there's two parts of me, one the 'old me' that can see things rationally and be happy, the other part is the crazy fearful creature. It's not particularly deep or spiritual, I don't feel like I'm talking to my 'soul', just another bit of my own mind.
Do you think it's because my anxiety is caused by hormonal/chemical imbalances so doesn't reflect how I 'really' think?
Confusing topic. Hope it makes sense.
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