Think social anxiety is my biggest problem now (long sorry!)

[weevil]

I've always been a bit socially anxious, was never comfortable around people I wasn't really close to. I managed to have a handful of close friends but everyone else was aquaintances, I've never been good with groups of lots of friends. My first year at my first uni was the biggest exception I knew loads of people and would always bump into someone I knew everywhere, I stood out so people remembered me. I was lonely though as I didn't make any close friends that year.

Now as my general levels of anxiety and fear have exploded my social anxiety is much worse making me agoraphobic a lot of the time. I'm lonely cos I don't have any local close friends anymore yet I'm too terrified of people to be anywhere around them. I came back to uni, different town, etc but I'm even afraid to go into lectures incase I have to interact with anyone I'm just terrified. I avoid going out anywhere even shops cos I want to hide away but uni is the scariest. In the past sometimes when I forced myself out to something I was nervous about it turned out well and I was glad I went but that doesn't happen anymore. When I made myself go to the first seminar for a module I ended up sitting in the middle of a row and feeling trapped. I was so panicked afterwards I rushed home not going to anything else that day.

I can't cope and despite getting a lot of support at the uni I don't think I'm going to recover quick enough to make it work. I always do this, I keep trying these things and every year the anxiety is worse and I don't succeed. Despite feeling like a complete failure I think I need to take life back to basics and avoid these stresses and let myself work on this problem more slowly.

So what am I thinking of doing now? Moving back to my Mum's for now and doing Open University so I don't have to be around new people all the time. I feel like a massive loser, I'm 31 so far too old to be living "at home" but I have a housemate I'm not close to at the moment and that makes me uncomfortable, I really hate it. I like living on my own but don't see the point in staying in this town. It seems like it'd be less stressful and allow me to concentrate if I made things easier on myself which moving back home would do. There's old friends I could possibly reconnect with and I'd see another person everyday even if it is my Mum! There's enough room, I'm comfortable there and I'm not expecting to be looked after, I just need some support just having someone around that I feel comfortable with would be a huge boost. In the past when I lived with my best friends it really helped a lot if I had a stressful day that I was going back to a friendly home.

[regal]

Don't think too much about it! You are not "Social Anxious"! so don't just over exaggerate a simple problem. You may be a bit shy and prefer to be in your own comfort zone. Many people like this. But the chances are that you end up being a bit lonely.

If you don't want to be lonely start mixing with likeminded people, a sport club? music club? Try getting out of your comfort zone. The worst can happen is that you may do a silly thing and they may laugh in your behind; Big Deal! but the chances are that you find a nice friend.

So just go for it.

[Heather23]

Hello Weevil,

Im so sorry to hear your struggling. I just wanted to reply as your post reminded me alot of myself. You are totally not a loser, if you do decide to move back home, its is not a sign of weakness. You could even just see it as some respite before you head back out inot the big bad world, and recharge your battieries after an emotionally exhausting time. My 'safe place' is my house with my mum and dad, and Ive just turned 25. My reasons are my anxiety, but I think alot of people who are older still live at home now, and its becoming the norm, with increasing financial issues, so if anyone said anything you could just say that it is financial. Its what I use myself sometimes! To be honest I love living at home, I love my mum and dad to bits and dont really know where Id be without them and thier support!

And congrats for tackling Uni to start with! Im totally the same as you, Im not good with large groups of people. Im awkward and shy and just fall into the backgroud. I always sit straight at the back in a lecture, as I hate to feel trapped or feel uncomfortable that people will be looking at me or my hair or something from behind (silly I know). I just hope you give yourself credit for achieving what you have so far because its not easy and I hope you realise that youve achieved a great deal already. It can be a lonely existence, and Im forever passing up on opportunities because Im too scared of the outcome so yor really not on your own. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always PM me and would do my best to offer my support and help you through anyway I can.

Take care, and good luck with your decision whatever you decide. You'll get there Im sure, even if it doesnt seem that way now. All the best,

Heather xxxxx

[weevil]

Hey thanks, I read posts I want to reply to as well but am not sure what to say.

It looks like moving back home is what's going to happen, I spoke to people at the uni yesterday. My doctor there was being positive and says I've made progress because I seem much better than I was last year, she also said not to make any quick decisions but everyone else especially my academic advisor were more for the OU idea. My advisor is also an OU tutor so knows a lot about it, she said if I know what I want I should make the decision sooner rather than later as I can't just drift not being able to turn up for lectures.

There's no way I can handle living with people I don't know well, I made a mistake doing that this time and I think living with my Mum for a while would be better than living alone. I don't want looking after but it's nice that someone you're comfortable with is around most days. I could even help my Mum out with things so that I didn't feel like I was getting a free ride all the time. It isn't like there isn't room as well, one of my friends moved home after Uni but applied for her own council place because there wasn't enough room in her parents house. I think I might go down there today for a few days, I haven't really been doing much here but still feel like I need a break. I feel panicky to the point of feeling shaky. At the moment the plan in my head is to use the time it takes to get the degree with OU to "get better" or at least get much more stable and confident, I have ups and downs but I need the ups to actually be the norm. Then go onto further training or postgrad away from home wherever I can get somewhere. The uni I'm at now says I can even come back to them to do something else after I have evidence of doing well.

Heather do you have local friends that you could see sometimes? I have more of a chance of that if I move back home as I have the option of reconnecting with old friends which is far less daunting than making new ones. There's also a support group that was advertised in the meetup section on here that I could join. I might take you up on the PM sometime, I'm even running low on people I talk to online these days, everyone seems to move on.

[Dont_look_at_me]

Well I am going to take you on your word and expressed experiences and it certainly sounds like you have social anxiety disorder to me. And it doesn't sound like a "simple problem" either, or that you are ('over')-exaggerating. That seems rather a dismissive take on what is clearly a very difficult situation for you.
I completed several degrees mostly via off-campus study because on-campus was too difficult for me. This would likely remove a lot of stress for you so you could really focus on doing well in your studies, and then you could work on building up social support in your personal life - maybe getting to know some fellow off-campus students online and befriending ones you like via email in the first instance (remembering that others like you are going to be choosing this mode of study too, so will be in the mix - it's just a matter of identifying them).
You're absolutely not a loser. Rather, you're a survivor, no doubt deserving of extra credit for not giving up on your goals in the face of this extra obstacle that the majority don't have to contend with. I hope you never do give up and can see that it's okay to do things a bit differently given your circumstances. If there's a bump in the road, go around to get to your destination. The main thing is that you don't let it rob you of your potential.