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Thread: Interesting film

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2007

    Interesting film

    I was watching a film tonight which I found very thought provoking so I thought I would tell you about it because I bet everyone will hold different views.

    It was about a couple who had been together for 30 years in a loveless partnership. However, the woman did care about her elderly partner and wanted to look after him. One day the woman met another elderly man who she couldn't help falling in love with. She told her daughter and the daughter told her to just enjoy it and to keep it between themselves. However, she was faced with 4 choices...

    1) She did as her daughter said.
    2) She stopped seeing him.
    2) She told her partner and hoped that she could still stay to look after him.
    3) She told him and left.

    She decided she couldn't live with her secret but nor could she give up the man she loved because she needed his love so she decided she had to tell her partner. However, of course her partner was too upset to forgive her so one day she told him she was leaving and moved out.

    You were then left with a scene of her elderly frail partner silently sitting at the kitchen table and you could imagine him thinking to himself who would want him and who would care for him. That night he decided he only had one option and that was to take his own life.

    This made me think how quickly we can judge people before learning the circumstances behind people actions and that often we have very black/white thinking when life is full of grey areas, especially when we care about others.

    I wonder, if you were in her situation, what would you have done?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2010

    Re: Interesting film

    Hello Bill
    I would follow my heart,not much more to say than that.
    Loveas always Petra xx

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2008

    Re: Interesting film

    Call me selfish , but young as I am I learnt the hard way to start putting myself first.
    I learnt it through family , friends , lovers that putting people before you isn't good for my mental health.
    I would have left, I would though make sure someone looked after him, nursing home etc .
    His death was his choice , he did have some options.
    It's human nature to be selfish in order to survive , cruel as it may seem I would have walked away.
    It would be unfair to stay withsome if I resented them and did not love them.
    You only get one life and I'd rather be happy.
    I'm sure the suicide would affect me a lot though Ive never been in said situation but I would hope I'd be able to make piece with it.
    No ones life is more valuable than anothers.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2007

    Re: Interesting film

    Would you say the same if the woman was your mother and you loved your father, and how would you then feel towards your mother if the result was the same?

    Another common scenario I've found it that parents that would rather part, often stay together for the sake of their children until they've left home. That being the case, the parents are putting their childrens happiness before their own which of course means they are putting their own happiness on hold. Should they think like that or is it just a natural thing to do to not be selfish?

    I also sometimes wonder whether men need women more than vice-versa and when children are involved, women will always put their children first. I guess that's the motherly instinct. It's just that I get the impression that because men need women more, men can't cope as well with loneliness but that could well be just a false impression. Women appear to have stronger characters so they cope better on their own even when they don't think so themselves or is that simply because they dont need men as much because they don't have mens needs?

    One last thought - the woman in the film felt she had to be honest and had to leave in her search for happiness but it left me wondering if after being honest and living through the result of her honesty, could she ever really find happiness knowing what her honesty had caused? I actually believe that if she had done as her daughter told her, she could have found happiness and her partner would still be alive being cared for. It doesn't make it right but that way her needs would have been met as well as her partners by still being there to care for him. The way she went about it, I can't help feeling her conscience would never allow her to be happy because she would have lost something inside which made her the caring person she was. The daughter even said to her, she had become hard and that she was no longer the mother she once knew because she had become hard even towards her daughter. I don't understand how she thought her actions would result in happiness knowing that her partner needed her even though she had needs herself.

    I also wonder if when we are young, we have a different attitude towards finding happiness but when we're older life becomes much more complicated so being selfish can become very difficult because so much more is involved as in the various senarios above.

    I'm not saying any of the above is right or wrong because I don't feel anyone can generalise. I just find it interesting to read others points of view.
    Last edited by Bill; 01-11-11 at 02:26.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2008

    Re: Interesting film

    I guess I have such different life experiences from you , I also think a lot of the reason you stay is out of guilt.
    You are not happy in said situation , you feel that you do not have a choice but you do, but again if you took that path you may still be unhappy because you would feel very guilty.
    I do believe that if you met a woman and fell madly in love it may sway your feelings about the situation. You cant choose who you fall in love with and love is one of most powerful drugs.
    This is assumption though of what I imagine may happen. I am not trying to prove you wrong or say my opinion is right.

    You are good man for staying, what else keeps you there besides fear of something bad happening?

    Hmm staying together for the kids, as in living together or actually staying with each other? no secret affairs?
    I know plenty of people who do this, have seen plenty of married men out with younger women .

    Personally I think if the parents can get on, with no fighting,not getting the children in the middle etc... the kids will happy. it won't matter if they are divorced or not.
    It all depend really on the parents personality and parenting style.
    But yes the divorce not matter how well it's handled will cause the kids some stress.

    Even I had to care for my mum full time, I would still get time off to go do stuff, and the family would help out etc...

    I do have better sense of where you are coming from...... I would have an affair if I met someone and had the opportunity. If I was in a marriage where my only role was to play the carer. And the person I was married to, didn't show me affection, That would drive me beyond insanity.

    When I had my rough year and I was craving affection and love, if I did not get that in smaller amounts from friends I would dread to think of what would have become of me.

    Human contact and affection is a need.

    Not all women but women have this instinct to care and to predict danger to their children. Men in comparison seem to lack this, in the sense they can be much more easy going and play rougher with the children. Women also read body language and pick up on facial expressions much more then men.
    For women that child was a part of her, it grew inside her and thats a pretty strong bond that men will never get to experience.

    I don't think women are stronger or cope better, you can always find an exception.
    Women are more likely to talk their feelings out and to seek out help and get support from friends.
    MEN have to keep up their manly image and play the man role so are less likely to do this so that's why I believe male suicide is a lot higher .

    I think it's more about balance , a lot of women choose to have babies, then once the kids in school they do get more free time.
    But also parents want to put their kids first but it doesn't always mean that they are sacrificing happiness, some might see it as worth it because they gained a child.

    women do find it easier to at least get male attention. Women don't really have to do much other than look good in a bar .... I just mean it in a biological way. With men making the first move.
    But women who are married have men leave them for younger women all the time so that sucks for us and adds to the insecure of aging.
    Older men get handsome and older women just get old.

    lol I know lots women who can't go a few weeks without a man..... who are supper insecure... who need the attention of any man in order to function.
    Theres women who stay with men who beat them, who are too broken down to know they dont deserve that etc....

    It all depends on her personality and how she managed the guilt.
    Some people don't feel very guilty, some people just don't have as much empathy as others. I believe you have way more empathy than me.
    Like he's dead and gone , feeling guilty wouldn't make a different but to make her feel like she cant be totally evil because she feels guilt.
    I have no idea how I would feel in said situation.

    I don't think I could be a slave to another person as that is honestly how it would feel to me.
    I would not feel as if I was doing good and even if I did, it would not be enough considering I would be lonely and unhappy.

    I would assume she did feel guilt and became hardened as a way to not feel any more.

    He may have needed her but she did not know he would kill him self and she even offered to still look after him! Which is more than what most people would do.

    Of course I am not you, so I have no idea really about your situation.

    If it was the other way around and you needed her would she be there for you?

    If she did not need you and you knew she would be ok if you left I assume you would leave?
    Last edited by Anxious_gal; 01-11-11 at 03:50.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2010

    Re: Interesting film

    I would do what the womens daughter said .on the quiet. If the children were grown up,at least the women would not be leaving small children--that I could never do myself.
    However after being together for 30 years, I cannot imagine falling in love with anyone whether my partner was ill or not.
    It brings back memories for me having read the posts.
    My husband left me when my girls were small. I was not ill or anything like that,he may have had his nose pushed out,because both my parents were ill at the time and I was also working.He came back ,and I had him back, but I will never know if was for the childrens sake-- or because of guilt.He has never really explained and I never mention it. It was like he had died and I pretended he had.
    It still hurts when i think about it.---this is one of the reasons I feel so insecure even
    after all this time.
    On a lighter note. I have had only one partner,My husband.
    Both my daughters have had loads of relationships,and my youngest,who is now almost 40 and I were having a conversation about sexual relationshipsand I told her I had only one partner (her dad) and she replied "HOW BORING"
    take care all

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2007

    Re: Interesting film

    This was the film I saw which I could relate with, even if I'm nowhere near their age! She was supposed to be 67 and the blokes were mid-70's.

    Magic That would make me Extremely boring since I could have even become a monk years ago! They say you ought to live life but I've found life often doesn't let you but that's probably of my own making!

    I saw my therapist for the last time today and she had been wonderful but she did say I don't help myself. I know. There's just something about me and the life I'm trapped in that seem to combine to stop me but even she wasn't sure why. I think perhaps maybe things just get to feel like too much hassle because I'm always having to fight for everything but too often get knocked back. I had high hopes about new opportunities such as new groups, more support etc but there always seems to be a ball and chain of some kind that prevents me from my needs being met. I can remember my therapist asking me "What about my needs?"...I didn't know what to say.


    I used to feel guilt but not so much anymore. I feel life is too short for guilt to get in the way of finding some enjoyment in life. It's opportunity that prevents me! I know I couldn't make the same mistake as the woman in the film. It wouldn't be easy but she could have listened to her daughter and then she could have been there for her partner but also received what she needed. I just think it's the better od 2 evils. At least the partner would have still been happy whereas by saying anything she lost any chance of true happiness because she had to live with her conscience. I think when you're young, both parties have equal opportunity of moving on but certain people will probably feel they stand little chance of finding anyone else.

    More than one reason keeps me here. It's just something about my personality. I care too much, I fear to much and I have to live with myself. If I felt I could have done anything, I wouldn't have selfh or taken od's because I would have left. I couldn't see any way out because of my nature and fears. I feel the same way about friends - I don't leave them until they no longer want me and for the same reasons. Sad but true. I wouldn't say I'm good though. Just too soft and weak! I think though you can see why I've been "driven beyond insanity as you rightly say.

    Older men get handsome and older women just get old.

    lol I know lots women who can't go a few weeks without a man..... Oh yes? Where??? Let me know where you live!

    I wouldn't agree with women just get old though. There is something very attractive about the older woman to alot of men. We don't all prefer smooth faces and beanpole figures. The older woman can have maturity, character, cuddliness! and of course experience! I feel it's women who feel they become old and unattractive because they compare themselves with how they used to be but to men like a fine wine they often taste better with age and that's not just to the older man either. I just like a woman to be natural. I can't stand all the artificial things they feel they need to do because of the image the media portray. Once a rose, always a rose so why spoil it with alterations?

    I reckon I'll always be needed in my situation and all I can do is try to find some enjoyment within my self-inflicted trap but that's always been much easier said than done because I think it would take something very special to help me.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2007

    Re: Interesting film

    I just thought I'd mention that a counsellor will be visting today who might also be a link into social services so I'm going to put everything on the table to see if I can get more help with my situation because I just feel totally ignored.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2008

    Re: Interesting film

    It's true with me , I could be doing more to get better.
    But I feel so stuck for energy and motivation, yet dunno I think we can be our own worst enemies at times .
    I think that's where we differ , I'm more selfish in order to have my needs met.
    I grew up in a way that made me think my needs weren't important , so it is something you learn I guess over time.
    I also get a sense that you might feel like you don't deserve to have your needs met .

    Aw I hope you get more help , maybe meet some new people

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2007

    Re: Interesting film

    I also get a sense that you might feel like you don't deserve to have your needs met .

    You might have a sixth sense Mishel. It's funny you should say that because I think it is something I think quite often. I'm not sure why. I think maybe it's because I blame myself so can't expect more and maybe it's because I've grown so used to feeling like nobody.

    Every way I turn I'm confronted with a brick wall and it leaves you wondering what's the point. If you're in a cell because you feel you can't break free, you just have to accept it and its consequences.

    I have felt totally exhausted today and yet it's still down to me to do everything. I feel I just want to curl up somewhere and be left alone I could be selfish to a point though within my limitations but how can I expect help that I don't deserve and which doesn't exist anyway. Nothing changes princess. Unfortunately some mistakes can never be undone or eased it seems.

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