i am such a mess

[R.Barratt]

i dont know whats wrong with me. i hate feeling the way i do. i really hate myself. i just want to die. because at least then i can get away from all of my thoughts and the bad people around me.
even when i am slightly happy i ruin as i become paranoid waiting for something bad to happen that will ruin it all. i am such a mess. im much happier when i am on my own because i can isolate myself cry and self harm.
i am so sad and i just want to be happy but it all seems like it will never change

[Chem]

From your other posts, I think you do know what's wrong and maybe you are crying out for help. There is a really good section on here about self harming - look in the list on the left.

You might not believe this right now - but you are strong. You're a fighter. You haven't let the past knock the spirit out of you - it's still there asking for a way to overcome and claim your own life. It can happen, the older and more independent you become.

Anger, resentment,guilt and fear are very destructive emotions. It seems unfair after everything else that you are probably left with those emotions. Yet the people that harmed you aren't giving it a second thought. Try not to let them harm you more by taking over your feelings. Try to look for just one good little thing in each day and build on that.

Again I'd recommend that you ask your doctor for a referral for more therapy.

[Anxious_gal]

Try and start loving yourself, if you keep on hating you won't get better.
Depression can some times be anger turned inward.
I think you are around the wrong type of people, maybe try and meet some people who don't bring you down, maybe through a group like Aware, or some sort activity group?

Happiness come from within, but having activities, routine, goals, a purpose in life , healthy life style, good friends,good support and therapy will all help too.

Nothing is going to make you happy, as long as you have negative thoughts and false beliefs . Try keeping a diary so you can really see your thought process.
CBT may help you here.