Hi everyone.
I have always wanted to write a book about my life and panic attacks in the hope that it may help someone. I have also considered working with a charity and doing talks to people in the same situation but I need your help. Please read below and tell me if you think it's worth it. I also plan to update this blog daily with my panic attack journal.
I was born in a small town to what was a normal family, mum dad and brother, we were fairly happy, not well off but we had what we needed. I as a kid wanted to be famous and always dreamt of leaving for London and making millions! Didn't we all! I was very popular at school til I hit 12 yes and went through an ugly stage, my brother who I was close to was the very unpopular and bullied a lot. I used to stick up for him all the time and sometimes fight for him despite him being 4yrs older! One day when I was 13 my brother was watching a porn film that my parent had hidden and I walked in on him, curiosity made me watch it and then we laughed about it all. Anyway that were the fun ended! Two nights later my brother entered my room and abused me! The abuse went on for a year and I was certain my parents knew. I never told anyone and I don't know why, when I was 14 my mother started acting odd, drinking, sad and out a lot. Coming home from school one night I found my mum on the floor in the spare room after attempting suicide. Never forget that sight and how the ambulance carried her out strapped to a chair. Things changed more, my brother told me she did it cause I was going to tell her what was happening to me. My father became quiet, no love, he never hugged us and didn't want to be around anyone. Mum got sectioned and we wasn't allowed to visit her. 15 yes old I finally got the courage to tell someone, I hated school, home and felt sick all the time. I asked my dad to drive me to my step sisters in London as I had something to tell him. He did without question and when I got there I told him. Police were called and social services. My auntie called me and swore down the phone saying I should stop lying. It seemed that was the general thoughts by my family. No one believed me at all! We had a pre court session, my brother said he didn't remember, my mum said nothing, my auntie never spoke to me again and my dad said he believed something happened. The case was thrown out of court due to my families statements. I ended up staying with my sister and her husband and two kids, they were a proper family. I loved them. One day my sister went to church and I woke up with her husband standing over my bed, I couldn't believe it! He was a good guy? I swore to him that if he ever tried to touch me again I would tell my sister and he swore he wouldn't.I guess I knew she would not believe me anyway. I ran away, 15 hrs old no money or anything. Well to not bore you all I got a job dropped out of school and renting a small room, still dead set on making money. I still visited my sister when her husband was not around but I was haunted with believing it was me and I asked for it. I had many jobs worked hard and enjoyed life. Over the following 5 yes bad things seemed to follow me, robbed, mugged at knifepoint, ripped off and I guess that was as I was an easy target. I did however start a big career, I become well paid in my role and success at work was great. I never spoke to my brother again and the same or my auntie and family. When I was 22 yes old my sisters husband had some kind of meltdown and told her what he did. I guess that was good as maybe people would think twice about my other brother and what he did, but they didn't! I remember asking my dad why he doesn't believe me and he said my brother has dyslexia so he may not remember and wait for it..... He said that he believed me and that my brother may have been just experimenting! Anyway on to the panic attacks, my career was soaring I threw myself into my work and did very well until one day on the train home I felt ice and started to have what I now know is panic attacks. I have been having these for years now. I am a very successful business woman and nobody at work knows that I suffer with them, every day is a struggle and I have to plan every inch of my life! It's hard work and I constantly ask myself why me? There are a lot of bad people out there and they don't have issues. I have rambled on loads sorry if there are any typos as I'm on an iPad and can't check text. So what do you think, I was planning on doing a daily blog in the hope that someone can get something out of it? Almost like a diary of panic attacks? Comments pls x
---------- Post added at 20:23 ---------- Previous post was at 19:32 ----------
Sorry for the second post I thought I should tie it all together and explain my panic attacks and how they affect me.
I am on beta blockers that seem to take the heart racing symptom away but every day I leave my house at 8am as that's the time there is less traffic and fear of being stuck in lights. I avoid meetings at work outside of my office so not to be alone with strangers. I order lunch everyday in so I don't have to go to the shop. I have to leave a window in my office open to make sure there is air coming in.
My bag... Everywhere I got I take the following...
Water (cold with ice block in cool bag)
Chewing gum
Tablets for everything!
Oxygen can
Phone
Without this I will not go anywhere! Even if it's to the garage.
I carry water everywhere I go, I can't b home alone and I havnt shopped alone in years! I guess I have lived with this so long I'm used to it but I can't help keep thinking when will it stop.
My partner is understanding and he is used to going out and my driving round for ages cause I need to park where my car is in sight.
I don't think my abuse is the cause of panic attacks even know therapists have said it is, I believe it's cause I gave up along time ago! I think that i focused so much on my career that I lost control of myself and accepted defeat. I have to start again now and that's why I'm here online.... Need to get my fighting spirit back
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i found ur post very moving and u should be very proud of yourself for coming so far, you have been thro so much heartache and abuse that i couldn't ever imagine, it makes me feel my problems are trival 
Originally Posted by nicola1980
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