Avoidance or being realistic?

[rosa_j_t]

How do you find the balance between facing an anxious situation to learn that it's not dangerous, and not biting off more than you can chew and ending up in a much worse situation?

Last year I visited my parents around Christmas for a few days. I was pretty anxious before going but then spent the whole time in a state of very high anxiety. It was awful. Really, really awful.

Since then the thought of visiting has terrified me. But I'm a university student, so not only is it expected that I'll go to my parents' place (which is quite far away) but also if I didn't I'd be on my own. I don't know that that would bother me enormously, but it's Christmas, and that isn't what's meant to happen. And I do want to see my folks, I do miss them. But anxiety taints everything it touches.

Anyway, I decided I'd stay in a cheap hotel, so I can visit my parents for a few hours at a time, and learn that it's OK and get used to it etc. I should say that my parents are wonderful, I love them to bits and they're really supportive as I've struggled with anxiety, which I've had for a few years.

I thought that was a good plan - I'm facing the situation that makes me anxious, it'll be a chance for me to put into practice all the things I've learnt about anxiety, and I get to be with family at least for some of Christmas Day. And whenever I feel anxious and worried about it, I just keep telling myself 'It's one day! Even if it's awful it's only one day'.

So then I find out that trains don't run on Boxing Day, and I don't have a car, so I'll have to stay an extra day. I don't know that I can manage that. Dad's offered to drive me back to my house on Boxing Day, which we did last year, but its over 4 hours each way, and he'd have to drive back the same day. Not exactly a great Christmas present for him.

So now I'm torn, and don't know what to do. The worst thing is that booking things (e.g. hotel rooms) last minute costs loads - I got the two nights I did early for that very reason, but the cheaper versions are non-refundable. And I'm feeling guilty because really I want my Dad to drive me back on Boxing Day, and ashamed and embarrassed that I choose to stay in a hotel instead of in my own parents' house.

When I told Dad about the idea, I was sort of expecting him to agree that it was a good idea, instead he very nearly laughed, and I felt really silly and small. His idea for tackling this issue (I told him the trouble I was having a few months ago) was for us all to stay in a cottage somewhere over Christmas. I didn't tell him this, but that would be even worse, because it would be exactly the same problem, but added to it, guilt for having them spend loads of money because of me. So I thought my idea was loads better, in every way!

Oh I'm sorry for the really long post! I just had to let it all out. I don't even know what I'm asking. Have any of you been in similar situations? Trying to counter a really powerful, negative memory, replace it with a good one, but made harder by simple, practical issues like living far away, or not being able to drive a bleedin' car!

I don't want to AVOID my parents' house, or my parents for that matter, but I don't want to jump in at the deep end and make things worse.

[Gembutt]

I think you should go! You might find that things won't be the same as last time. If your parents are supportive and know about your anxiety attacks then let them know when you're feeling a little bit nervous, then take yourself into the bathroom or another room on your own for a cool down. Was there ever a stage in your life where your parents home was your safety net? Remember those days when being at home was where you felt the safest! Or speak to your doctor about it, he may prescribe you some medication to help with your feelings! It's Christmas after all and don't let them stop you doing what you want to do, it's your life after all and Christmas is only once a year so enjoy yourself .. Hope you manage to get through it anyway! I'm sure you will! I know you felt really awful last time but you stayed didn't you? So don't let them stop you xxx

[MaxHeadroom]

I understand your dilemma. What went wrong last year?

The problem seems to be that your parents make you anxious, right? And by staying in a hotel, you can retain some control over how much you see of them. Let me ask you: What is the worst thing that can happen to you on Christmas Day?

[Geoff2301]

Sounds like your parents are great........I'd take up your Dads offer to drive you back on Boxing day.......If he's like me, he'll be pleased to have an excuse to do something on Boxing Day rather than eat and watch TV+ you can have a good natter in the car!

[rosa_j_t]

Last year I was having trouble sleeping leading up to Christmas, and that was worsening the anxiety. With hindsight I think it was worrying about going home for Christmas that was the root of it. That, coupled with the heavy snow, allowed me to have Christmas at my house. But I was starting to feel down because of anxiety, so a few days after Christmas I went home. Really I just wanted a hug, and someone to say it'll be alright. I got the hug, but I felt more anxious, because I don't like being around people when I'm anxious. So for a few days things got worse, then I decided to just come back to my place. Because I wasn't sleeping and was exhausted, my dad drove me back. It then continued to spiral out of control and it took me several months to pull myself out of the dark hole I was in. It was pretty awful.

I don't think that's likely to happen again. For one thing I'm on medication that helps me sleep. And although I still have spells where I'm as anxious as I was then, they don't usually last, and I sort of know how to handle it better. I guess the worst that could happen would be that I have a panic attack on Christmas Day in front of my family to the point where I'm being sick. That's the Big Fear. I could then go back to the hotel, but it'll be like I'm defeated. And I'll know that they're back at home worrying and wondering if I'm OK on my own in a hotel.

I've actually found a coach that I can get on Boxing Day, and it isn't as long or expensive as I feared. So I might just go ahead and book that. Although a coach isn't as nice as a train, I don't normally get that claustrophobic, and I'll be on my way back to my place where I can be alone and so don't have to talk to anyone. If I really wanted him to I think Dad would drive me up, but if there's a relatively cheap and convenient alternative I think he'd rather not. He's not a big fan of driving, and driving all day often makes his back play up.

So I think that actually my original plan is still possible, if a little modified. Trouble now is, I've worked myself up by worrying about it, so I need to set it aside and focus on more immediate things. Oh, and I will try finding positive memories of being at my parents' house - it isn't the house I grew up in so there aren't many, but whenever my mind wanders to Christmas, I'll remember a good time, then set it all aside.

Thanks for the advice!