Hi guys,
I'll apologise now for this post as its probably a bit self indulgent. I've been feeling generally better over the last couple of weeks but for some reason over the last few days have felt really tired and today feel absolutely rotten. My head tells me its just a hiccup but I feel so low and flat. I could just crawl away into a hole and never come out. I'm so so tired of this ...up and down...never just normal. And this is me on antidepressants....what would I be like without them.
Work is so awful and it really is getting harder to go in each day and I know thats a large part of how I feel. But I'm trapped, my boss is awful and shes just waiting for me to show any sign of weakness ( or at least thats how it seems). And its so tiring trying to look as if I'm ok all the time. I work really hard and do my very best in my job but it just doesnt seem to be enough.
I feel so inferior and inadequate and I'm tired of feeling like this, like being on a treadmill I'm just going round and round in circles.
I know the problem is me...I know I have huge self esteem issues and I know the only person suffering because of the way I am is me...I'm doing it to myself. And I know its very selfish because it does affect my family, I'm doing it to them too, and I'm a rotten role model for my children...I really dont want them growing up with my hangups and insecurities.
But I dont know how to change, not deep inside. I know the right things to say and do but I dont know how to really feel them. I dont know how to like myself or even accept myself. I'm sure you'll all think I'm crazy and sometimes I do think theres something fundamentally wrong with me. Like I'm wrong, like I have no right to be....sorry I know this isnt making much sense. Maybe I am mad? As a person i feel all wrong and I dont know how to feel 'right' and I'm tired of pretending. Is this it ? Am I just going to go round in these horrible circles for the rest of my life? How do I move on? I wish I could stop feeling and just get on with living.
I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself 'snap out of it'. I know in my head that this will pass (till next time) but for now I'm so tired of living like this.
I'm sorry..as I said major self indulgence but I hoped writing things down and spilling it out on here would maybe help.
thanks for listening
Coni x