A relapse!

[Acidomoduso]

Hi all,
I used to frequent this forum a couple of years ago but went through 6 months of CBT and thought i'd kicked my health anxiety into touch. Thought is the operative word here! I seem to be regressing back to my worrying days and losing sleep over small things again.

Well, since i hit 40 i've had a few things happen to me. Firstly, at the start of 2011 i was diagnosed with a degenerative neck disorder. Everyone gets this - it's just it normally appears around 60 or 70 years of age. Around June time i went blind in my left eye. This was discovered to be Central Serous Retinopathy, where the retina tears and the serous fluid seeps behind it and causes a bubble. No treatment needed - just rest. It is a stress related condition but it now means i cannot touch steroids or cortizone creams.

So, through all of that my health anxiety was pretty good (i had a dodgy moment when my eye was getting worse but i controlled it). Zoom through to this last couple of weeks and i'm back to not being able to sleep and unwelcome thoughts entering my head.

I have had what seems to be a cold for 3 or 4 months now and it's not really a full blown cold, just a day or two of feeling rough - then better - then rough. I have had a cough for pretty much that length of time. Kind of like a tickly throat cough coupled with a dry throat. On top of this i seem to have a constant aching pain around my xiphoid process (tender to touch, like a bruise) and in my back (the same feeling i had with the beginnings of pneumonia i suffered from several years ago) and side (again, tender to touch between the ribs). Finally i have the "lump in the throat" condition. I do feel like it's the "about to cry, but hold it back" pain but i also feel like i've been running in the cold and it's going all the way down my gullet/windpipe. This one is getting to me the most. It's only on the right side and it's always in the same place - sort of behind and to the right of my adam's apple.

I'm kind of putting the xiphoid pain down to the fact that it cracked really badly when i stretched a few years ago and has been doing that ever since, but i can't for the life of me shake the bad thoughts about my throat. I've done the usual google-the-symptoms thing and found the plethora of cancers and the like (annoyingly, there was also a story today in the news about a woman who coughed up a cancerous tumor from her throat - why do you find these things when you worry?!), then suddenly had the idea of coming back on here. I know i shouldn't be concerned but it's just the length of time i've had these symptoms that niggles me. Internal soft tissue problems and glands are my achilies heel!

Apologies for the length of this and for only coming back when there's something wrong but i know it was useful to me the last time i felt this way. Not sure what i'm expecting from you guys but it helps to discuss with like minded people!

Thanks for listening.
Acid

---------- Post added at 15:06 ---------- Previous post was at 14:52 ----------

Oh, another thing worthy of note is that my neighbour and friend was diagnosed with melanoma last year. The mole was over 8mm deep and anything over 4mm is considered advanced. The good news is... she had some lymph nodes removed and tested and now she is clear of cancer. brilliant, but the whole thing was very close to me. That may be another possible cause for my setback.

[vicky23]

Well done in conquering the health anxiety the first time! so you know you can overcome these anxiety feelings again!
I smiled when I read your statement about not knowing what you want from us in way of replies. I often feel like that, I know the people here aren't Dr's or therapists and are dealing with the same issues but that's sometimes makes us the most qualified to answer with empathy and understanding.
I hope that just writing down and knowing people who understand will read it helps to bring comfort and peace of mind
best wishes

[Acidomoduso]

Thanks for the big-up Vicky. It can be difficult expecting people to read and empathise with your situation - only you can feel your own symptoms. Even describing them to a doctor can be difficult.

Anyway, talking of doctors, i went to see mine today and she advised me that my issue is almost certainly musculoskeletal. She asked lots of questions (some of which i knew she was trying to rule out and kind of cancer or gastro issues) and then had a prod around. She said that my xiphisternal area (what i know as the xiphoid process) was not as long as she was expecting, suggesting that it may have been bent back. She asked if i'd had any accidents when i was younger (which i hadn't).

She reiterated that she didn't think it was anything serious and certainly not to do with my internal organs but sent me off to have a thoracic spine x-ray anyway (which i am going to tomorrow - well, this morning actually).

Still... after all that, i'm still awake until the wee small hours with the "uncomfortable-ness" of it. My worry has abated somewhat after the visit but i don't think it will go completely until i see an "all clear" from that x-ray!!

[Acidomoduso]

Well, my anxiety is really going through some ups and downs... I really struggle to get to sleep at night and wake myself up most nights feeling a little panicky. I did sleep quite well yesterday but i'd had a few drinks (which i don't normally do, and wouldn't rely on it to solve my sleep issues).

It's like i'm subconsiously looking for the smallest detail to kick off my anxiety again. I'm currently worried about my glands and throat (even though i'm probably just run down from lack of sleep and i seem to be picking up a sore throat every 2-3 days).

It's strange how your body plays tricks with you. I know there's nothing seriously wrong and yet my mind is racing, probably right up until i get my x-ray results (of which i am in no doubt they will be clear of anything serious!). The lump in my throat has subsided somewhat but has resurfaced tonight - it is only a mild case of it but it is there. I'm a little put out that i'm going back to my anxious days after all that help i received. I think that's what's upsetting me the most.

Oh, and on top of that... due to the stress and worry my body is going through at the moment, i think my CSR is returning! I spotted another blip in my vision yesterday so i may have to return to the Eye Clinic to get it checked out. They told me after my first occurance of it that it wouldn't return but IF it did i must get in contact with them immediately. Not sure what they can do, but there you go!

My diet has been pretty bad this week so the weight i'm trying to lose isn't shifting. Two days of chips, a McDonalds yesterday, cake, roast dinner. All of this is giving me indegestion so THAT'S keeping me awake too.

Man, i'm a mess at the moment!!

Ayway, that's the current situation at the moment. I'll post more when something changes (or doesn't, as the case may be!).

[Acidomoduso]

So, the continuing saga of my HA....

I seem to now have a fixation on my lymph nodes again. It's normally around my neck, chin and collarbone that i have my worries. I posted this in someone elses thread so i thought i'd post it in here as the update (with minor relevance changes)...

I seem to be constantly poking the nodes around my neck and under my chin. They feel swollen, but the reason i started to prod them was because they kind of ache and sometimes twinge a bit when i turn my neck in a certain way. They also make me feel like my mouth needs to salivate (sort of a prickly feeling under the jaw coupled with an ache) and yet my mouth is dry (that's probably the anxiety!). It's hard to describe and i struggle to pinpoint it, but i just don't feel right. You know what i'm saying?

I've also convinced myself that my glands in my neck and above my collarbone are swollen. Kind of like down where the tendon of your neck goes and then halfway along the collar bone. I know that this is psychosomatic and my worry is exacerbating the feeling. I was in Tesco last night and i felt very spaced out and a little dizzy so it's getting to me a bit.

Waiting for these x-ray results and having the cough for ages with no real signs of fever or colds (just little bits here and there) has pushed my stress levels (and my HA levels) to the limit! Stress and HA do not go together so i've got to try and eliminate stress to try and calm my HA.

---------- Post added at 12:48 ---------- Previous post was at 09:33 ----------

Oh, and another thing... My CSR has returned. I have a new patch which was examined by the eye specialist on Monday. It would seem i have something called Multiple CSR (i think that's what he said) where the CSR can re-occur in other parts of the eye. I will be going for a Flurocein Angiogram (i think that's the spelling). That's an injection of dye to see where the leak is. If that shows up then they may give me laser treatment to stop the leak (this can cause complications in itself as the laser can scar the retina, leaving a permanent mark.

Strangely, things like this do not bother me because i know what's going on and it's not life threatening... at worst i could lose the sight in my eye.
It's just the "life threatening" and "painful death" issues that get to me!

[Acidomoduso]

Well, another night of no sleep. Tonight is the worst night so far. I've had lymph issues, liver cancer, pancreatic cancer, lung cancer and have finally settled on Intercostal Neuralgia. Had a long chat with the wife last night and although she understands, she is getting a little bit fed up with my worrying. So am i, to be fair!

I went to bed but as soon as i lay down i got the nervous ache in my stomach - like a cross between a burn, an ache and a rush feeling. So, i start feeling around and can feel a lump at the top of my abdomen (not the xiphoid process in case you're thinking of suggesting that). So that brings on worries about liver cancer and possibly pancreas. Up i get to google (i know, i know). 3.20am i go back to bed but as soon as i get horizontal, the feelings come again. It now feels like my right side is filled with something, so thoughts of lung tumours raise their ugly heads. Up i get again to try and divert my thoughts. TV on and general web surfing begins. Lay on the sofa about 4.30am and i'm still worried and feeling the pain. So, here i am trying to write it out once again.

I know what my wife says is true - the doctors are checking, there's no point worrying until you have something to worry about, just get on with your life (JFDI ), it's affecting everyone around you - it's just getting those thoughts out of my head again. It's tough. Even though i'm ignoring what the doctor said (that it is musculoskeletal and nothing to do with the soft tissues in the body). You'd have thought that at almost 41 years of age i would stop worrying like a child! I'm not losing weight dramatically, as i'm sure i would have already done this if the pain in my side was a huge tumour or cancer so i shouldn't be fretting about it.

So, i'm currently trying to convince my mind that it's Intercostal Neuragia as my symptoms are very similar. I think the reason why i'm so worried is that it doesn't seem to be going away. I've had the pain in the xiphoid area for a few years and it's getting worse - spread to my sides and back (only on the right side though).

Anyone know what Intecostal Neuralgia feels like? Anyone know what sleep feels like??!

---------- Post added at 05:48 ---------- Previous post was at 05:21 ----------

Oh, and another thing.... 223 views and nobody has commented (aside from vicky23)? Am i an HA outcast even to those fellow HA sufferers!!

[Dreamalittledream]

Hi

I am new here but I had a thought, that perhaps another round of CBT wouldnt hurt you - with a particular focus on working it through with actual existing/ongoing illness?

I know it is that fine line that keeps me on the edge - that I have several ongoing illnesses' as does my husband. But getting to that point that I don't worry - that is much harder.

[Acidomoduso]

I did think about CBT again but i just want to see how i am after this one has blown over. I did notice something about "Talking Changes" but on further investigation it seems to be just Portsmouth and County Durham coverage. I don't know. Let's just see,eh? I could do with a good night's sleep though!

[vicky23]

Not sure if you're taking anything already but there's a tea blend available at asda and holland and barrets the range is called Dr Stewart's and there's a one for night time that contains valerian which is a herb that has powerful sleep inducing properties.

[Acidomoduso]

Interesting. Thanks vicky... i'll give that a go.