intrusive thoughts about partner

[Dazza]

Hi,

My doctor says I have an element of OCD, not because I do compuslive things, but because I have many intrusive thoughts.

Many of them are about my health, and I often 'see' my own death many times a day.. I have a phobia or sudden, painful, scary death like heart attack or stroke.

I also have intrusive thoughts about my partner cheating on my, being led astray by other people, which makes me feel jealous and I'm so worried it will (I will) destroy the relationship.

Has anyone else had this and how did you get over it?

[Scared_11]

Hi,

I have this same sudden death phobia as do a lot of people on here. It's terrifying but I was once told to look at my thoughts as mental events and little stories that happen in my head. Like a film almost.

I read a book called overcoming obsessive compulsive disorder and found this very good and interesting. Intrusive thoughts come in all forms all equally as terrifying. I also have the thoughts about my partner and I think most people do. What I do with this one is I just say it in my head or write it down and don't actually say it too him. Just accept its just a thought that worries you not actually reality. Since suffering with OCD my boyfriend has read up on it and so he is aware that this is a symptom! Maybe it would help if you talked to your partner about it.

Hope this helps.

[Dazza]

Hi,

I have this same sudden death phobia as do a lot of people on here. It's terrifying but I was once told to look at my thoughts as mental events and little stories that happen in my head. Like a film almost.

I read a book called overcoming obsessive compulsive disorder and found this very good and interesting. Intrusive thoughts come in all forms all equally as terrifying. I also have the thoughts about my partner and I think most people do. What I do with this one is I just say it in my head or write it down and don't actually say it too him. Just accept its just a thought that worries you not actually reality. Since suffering with OCD my boyfriend has read up on it and so he is aware that this is a symptom! Maybe it would help if you talked to your partner about it.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for your reply.

my partner knows about my anxiety with regard to health and to an extent about our relationship, although I don't tell him about all of this anxiety I feel about him. Early on in the relationship, he cheated on my, and lied about it...it was the lie that was worse for me than the cheating...ever since, I'm super sensitive... he tells me he loves me and shows it to me, but this evening he's gone out with his friends and they've taken him clubbing. he never goes clubbing, so my 'little movies' in my mind have made me see his friends leading him astray or him succumbing to temptation and going home with someone else. I hate this feeling. I'm worried i will destroy the relationship...he has said he understands my feelings because of what he did before. he aplogized about it and promised we would be monogamous, since we both have HIV test and are now having unprotected sex.

I guess I love him so much taht I am terrified of losing him, but I'm also now worried that my jealously and insecure feelings that keep coming when he goes out will destroy what we have. sigh. I will need to talk more about it with him tomorrow... I just can't sleep and I want to call him to see if he is home, but I shouldn't as it's just too controlling and will push him away.

thanks for the advice and reading.

[Scared_11]

Well I think anyone who has been cheated on would be a little more insecure than most. It's not an easy thing to go through so I think ur feelings are pretty normal. I understand that u worry ur insecurities will cause a break down in your relationship, I have worried the same. I think it is definitely because of how strong your love for him is.

Just try an tell urself it is normal to be jealous and worried that ur partner will go astray, everyone who is in a happy relationship will have this worry. I was a lot worse with me ex boyfriend because I could not trust him atall and I felt like a lunatic at times. It didn't break down our relationship atall tho. I left him and he was devastated. I am a lot better with my boyfriend now. I feel I have more control over it. I just recognise the thoughts and events that go on in my head and let them just be that. I never mention my feelings to my boyfriend and after a while I think this has made me stronger with this.

I think there is treatment for this but I haven't looked into it but i think CBT is effective for this.

[Dazza]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences...

I relate to the ''I felt like a lunatic'' comment... that's how I feel this evening. I got jealous the other day, and I even said to him, i don't like this feeling, but i share it with you because i want us to be open about every things. I said I realized that it's just in my head and not real. He said he loved me so much and wants us to be together for a long future together.

I want to get to the stage where I just 'notice' these thoughts and don't obsess about them and end up with sleepless nights (it's 3:30am here in Asia, which is where I am). I've not slept a wink tonight... and I'm up, waiting for that 'exhausted' feeling so I can finally sleep.

I know that if I left him, he would be devastated. I'm his first love and I know he really does love me. But that's why I'm scared... the jealousy has to be controlled somehow, because it will either destroy me (if feels like it sometimes) or it will break us up because I will break off with him because I can't stand feeling this way and would be better off freeing him from my jealous tendancies. I know what he would say to my last comment ''it's ok, I understand, it's not a problem'. but for me it is, I fight this feeling of jealousy and the horrible thoughts that it evokes....I guess that's the problem, I'm fighting them and not accepting them as what they are: merely thoughts.

[Scared_11]

No problem.

Yes I think the key is just accepting the thoughts as just worries!! Because that's what it is a worry. It helps me sometimes to swop the imagination of him cheating with an image of him just talking to friends an having a good time. Its ok to talk about ur feelings of jealously but just know we're to draw the line with what you actually say. It sounds like he loves u very much and understands how u feel so don't worry about him actually cheating.

I tried mindfulness meditation which I found very very helpful for intrusive thoughts. Look into it because I think it will help u with these thoughts. It's realy popular in the east so I imagine there would be plenty of resources over there for you.

Another thing which helps me sometimes but not sure it would work for everyone. I just think well if he is going to there is nothing I can do about it. I can't, nor do I want to, control everything he does. Me worrying about it will not make it or make it not happen. So you worrying about it will not change anything. Just remind yourself of how much you know he loves you.

Hope this is helping. Now go and get some sleep! U will feel better when u wake up and his night out is all over an he is still there loving you.

[Dazza]

thanks so much for these replies...it's helping to sort some things in my head...

i'm now crying at your comment of ''just remind yourself how much he loves you'' and ''u will feel better when u wake up and his night out is all over and he is still there loving you''. i know it's true, i just wish he were here right now, as the tears roll down my face.

thank you so much for your words.... i've been wanting to cry all evening, but couldn't ... and you you've helped me to let it out. thank you so much. xx

[Scared_11]

I hope I have helped because I have been in ur position so many times and it feels so lonely. I am sorry for making u cry but sometimes we do need a good cry and sometimes tears come with relief and realisation.

He will be back tomorrow to make u feel better.

If we don't come across each other again on here then I wish u all the luck and happiness! U sound like a very caring and loving person!

Take care. Xx

[Dazza]

Thank you, your reIplies really did help to change my perspective.

I spoke with him about my feelings today. He listened carefully, and I told him how I was angry with myself for feeling them, because I love him an care for him so much, that I hate for it to be tainted with such negative feelings. He listened and caressed my face as I told him. It shows' he really does care. If anything, I said he must be more clear in his communication sometimes, which he said he will try to do.

I only slept 2 hours last night, and tried to sleep this afternoon but couldn't... hopefully will get a more sound sleep tonight.

Thanks again so much for your help. xx