Losing sight of what the point is.

[nikkinik]

Im not saying Im going to go off and kill myself, I'll make that clear before anyone says..

But I am going to bed at night praying I dont wake up

We lost my grandad in August and he really did suffer for the last few years and esp at the end. He battled on with cancer for yrs and so I feel guilty I can no longer see the point myself.. But I still feel terrible when I wake up and realise Im still here.

I lost my partner in '03' My other grandad a few yrs later, then my Nanna two yrs later, then my aunt less than a yr later. So I know me doing anything to myself would only serve to hurt my family even more. But still Ive had enough.

For about 5 yrs we've been trying to get to the bottom of why I am in a lot of pain with my stomach, after numerous tests they gave up and pinned IBS on me, that was after they tried to blame everything on anxiety.. as they always do now. No one will ever take you seriously medically when you have anxiety, Ive found that one out the hard way. Except now Ive reached the point where everything I eat, and even drinking water hurts my stomach and makes me feel ill.
Ive just been out now for my prescription (something else to try - Domperidone) and nearly passed out. I seem to spend the majority of my time in bed, feeling exhausted or just resting..
My bones ache from not being able to eat enough. Im 5.4 and weigh just over 7 stone, I basically look anorexic and either get looked at with pity or disgust, usually the later. I lay in bed at night and cant get comfortable because I hurt and my stomach feels like its being sucked out through my back.
My partner works full time and comes home having to pick up the peices of what Im unable to do.. Im just dragging myself through the days, even cooking his dinner makes me want to be sick.
All this pain, and partly down to then I had to call 999 once and get morphine, only makes me all the more anxious about whats going on inside me. Ive always struggled to gain/maintain weight, but I dropped from an 8 to a 6, and even the size 6 is big on me now. Im 32 soon, this is not the message I want to send out to my son. Even some of his clothes fit me for goodness sake.

Im coming to the end of my CBT and Im supposed to ignore all these pains, just convince myself its all anxiety, when I know 100% it is not. I just feel like Im going mad. I know something isnt right yet Im supposed to ignore it and carry on telling myself 'its just anxiety'.. I just cant, I physically cant. Ive suffered with anxiety long enough to know its not all that.. although of course, it now is making me anxious!

I went to a dietitian, he was no help. I had to repeat myself every week of what I could and couldnt eat, of what Id tried, go over what was said at previous appointments.. He just talked over me and never listened. He was all ready to help until I said I couldnt go on the exclusion diet because I was already underweight with a low b/p, THEN he read my letter from the GP, agreed it wasnt a good idea then had no real idea I think! He got me to fill out a diet sheet that he never did anything with. He promised build up drinks that never came, and in the end he gave up on me, telling me he couldnt help until I stopped feeling sick.. So he told me to go away and eat ginger but couldnt say anything else (like how quickly Id see a benefit, if its worked in the past).

My partner crys saying Im affecting everyone too much. Thats heartbreaking.

Ive already turned my 7yr old into a hypochondriac. As much as I try to not say anything infront of him, hes still picked something up either from me or family illnesses.. So everynight hes got something new, panics when he feels sick or has a tummy ache. I just feel like Im ruining his life as well. I really wish I could have seen into the future because had I known Id be like this I would never have had him, he deserves better. (and thats not saying all anxious ppl dont deserve kids, its just that I feel that way about me.. Im messing him up)

I just have no life that I can enjoy. Ive no energy and cant think straight enough to even do homework with my boy, thats something else that falls on my partner.
I despise the pair of them touching me for a cuddle because of my protruding bones. My family all worry about me, yet tell me I should just eat normally. I WISH I COULD!

Ive not slept for 8 hours in 2 months now. I cant get to sleep nor even stay asleep and am lucky if I get 5 hours.. 5 broken hours.

My anxiety is just reaching a constant high because I cant eat and not feel pain. After I do eat my stomach just feels like a tight fist, all clenched and painful.. then I feel like I want to be sick too. 3 meals a day.. all that means to me is 3 extremely stressful times p/day, of which theres no getting away from. If I could never eat again I would.

I just look out the window and want to drive away and never come back. I pray I dont wake up. I know ppl are worse off, Ive seen someone I love suffer so I know this is probably nothing.. But I do wish something would happen to me to put me out of this misery. I cant see me ever having a life that I can enjoy.

I expect some people think Im depressed, but take away these constant stomach issues that have been going on for 5 yrs and everything would be ok. I could just about cope with the anxiety.. but not this everyone has their limits, Ive reached mine. I sometimes think I will just always be this troubled person and cant see the point. I certainly dont want my son reaching my age and having to go through CBT because Ive passed on such debilitating anxiety.. yet hes already lost his dad, and now I wish my life away! I cant help it, I hope someone up there sees how much I want out and blesses me with my wish, I really really do.

[clc]

Hi Nikki I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am at work at the moment but when I get home I will write you a longer message xx

[theharvestmouse]

Sorry you are going through a rough time, I don't know what to say, I think one of the key things is you need to build yourself up and be eating more. If its anxiety causing the stomach pains then you need to try to eat more. Its so important, the body needs it for energy, and you need to use up energy to you feel tired at the end of the day.

Other people may be able to offer better advice than me, I'm just trying to say that not eating enough can cause anxiety.

[blingkasa]

Dear Nikki, i agree with harvest mouse, eating a little bit at a time throughout the day will help you, try something light or small snacks, or a hot drink like ovaltine or horlicks, take it one step at a time, the fact you are trying to do something is already such a BIG step. What kinds of food you like then eat in small portions, dont worry too much about sleep, or over think it, above all don't hate yourself . You are going to be fine and give yourself time to start getting better. Do small things first Nikki. I read this book recently called " Unsinkable" and in it the lady said to love yourself first and thats true, its not selfish . By loving who you are and accepting that this is only a small hurdle, one little hurdle at a time, you can start to get better. There are no set rules at all. Think of what you want, even if you cant believe it think of good things. Imagine yourself feeling better. Imagine yourself eating something you enjoy. Believe it is possible because it starts from you. From what you wrote you have been through a tough time and have been sad and anxious and felt bad for feeling this way. Don't be. We are all human and we all have the same fears and worries as well. Try to eat small portions of food you like, it doesnt have to be huge. Try going for a walk or do something you enjoy. Focus on what you want to be and not what you " think" you are now. If there are other doctors or dieticians in the area then look them up, research , find support groups, talk to friends, slowly but surely you can get well again. Time is a great healer. Lots of love.

[clc]

Hi Nikki, I know how you feel with the weight thing I'm currently under 7 stone and 5 3' I have lost my appetite thanks to anxiety. I'm trying real hard to eat to get my weight up but it's hard when you just feel I'll everyone you eat! My advice is to try and eat breakfast lunch an dinner even if it is small. Of you really can't eat you should see a doctor. Whilst I feel sick I can force myself to eat and it stays down.

Don't worry about people being worse of than you you har every right to feel how you do. I too watched my grandad die 10 years ago and it still upsets me. he had a stroke and forgot us all thought my gran was still alive. It was horrible. But the pain does get easier and you start to remember the good times you had.

I think you have a very similar problem to me although I think you are suffering a lot more. I think you need to see a doctor and get a few things checked out. Get your B12 levels check and also your thyroid. You could have ME which some ignorant doctors won't diagnose. This make you lose weight, cause depression and makes you really tired.

To me it sounds like it not just anxiety. I hope you manage to get some help and feel free to PM me of you ever want a chat (I'm constantly being told I have an eating disorder when I know it's anxiety that made me lose my appetite!)

[xhyperyogix]

so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Totally get you on the weight thing. I can loose a stone in a week with bad anx. I think that anx makes your metabolism go faster, so uses up more energy. Also if you don't sleep (i also don't) it also uses up even more energy so you burn more calories. Stack that on top of not feeling hungery anyway, and finally top it off with the eating experience being such an ordeal with vomiting..... well, you can see how anyone would weigh less than the ideal. And then the cycle repeats because not having enough caleries makes you anxious........My GP prescribes temazepam for the sleep which does somewhat break the cycle. Don't think about what other people may or may not think. It won't change anything - you need to think of 'you' right now. Hard to do I know...

As for the pains. I can see how it sounds like anx. Personally i do not get pains, but I do have a mum and friend who have ME. So I grew up with dealing with my mum having pain / fatigue throughout my childhood. I would not like to influence you too much but it does sound a bit like this, so perhaps its something that is worth discussing with your gp.

and finally dealing with so much loss is bound to have its effects, plus youre a mum which I can only imagine (I don't have kids) would be such a prfoundly amazing experience but one fraught with responsibilites and stresses. I've lost loved ones, and seen loved ones loose thiers, and its an experience I wouldn't wish anyone to go through. It's hard to realise things will change, and that one day we can look back with fondness / pleasure at memories rather than focusing on the pain associated with the loss.

Hope I've helped.. PM me if ya like. Also I'd suggest seeking help from a counsellor and speaking to your gp, or if they are not listening, then chnage and see someone else.

love hyper xx

[nikkinik]

Thanks for your replies, it means a lot.

I have my up moments, but theyre just that.. moments. Some of the time I just feel like Im a body going around, cooking, cleaning, smiling - trying to be normal when the inside of me has left.

Its my Grandads Birthday today and I couldnt even walk around/be with family without being in pain with my stomach.. Thats how my days are spent, being in pain and looking at myself with disgust. I hate myself with a passion. Im sick of seeing size 6 clothes hanging off me, its not right. I feel like going round with a t shirt on saying 'Im not well. Im not happy, I dont think this is a good look. Im not doing it to myself.
If I dont eat Im semi ok, if I eat its like my stomach closes off/tenses up and\or the pains will begin and the nausea starts. I know lack of appetite from anxiety. This is not the case.
I eat a few bites and have to stop, then when I realise Im in pain too I get scared. I have seen a GP and he says it sounds like a function problem. All I know is Im scared stiff at the fact I can barely eat any more.
Ive been going to CBT, making advances and trying to ignore the fact Ive felt sicker after eating.. I ignored it for months and just recently again tried to put it aside, just to eat properly in order to gain weight, I told myself it was all in my head like they keep telling me.. "its just your anxiety", then I ended up bloating, and generally being in more and more pain till a week ago today I just doubled over on the floor and things havent picked up since. It wasnt a case of over eating, I was still 200-300 calories away from the guidelines because I was struggling still. I dont know, its just frightening me to know this has been going on for years, getting slowly worse and Ive been ignoring symptoms because the tests they gave me 3 yrs ago showed nothing and they kept telling me "its just anxiety".. now here I am, unable to eat properly. Im totally miserable.

I had another fight with my fiance today too.

I don't know if I should be worried or not.. Its always in the questionaires " have you made plans to end your life" and Ive always said no.. now Im verging on a yes. Ive been looking at websites looking at my options, thinking about whether to sell my personal things in order to leave money for my son/my funeral. Theres nothing on paper but its filling my thoughts more than it ever has. I just see the pain Im causing.. even crying on my Mum today of all days, its her dads birthday and I still cant put myself aside. I feel selfish which ever way I look at it. Please dont anyone worry about me.. Im not going to go off and do something silly, its not a cry for help.. I guess writing it helps me/makes me feel better because I cant tell anyone else how I really feel. I just know that the idea of not being here makes more sense than staying.. the thought of it feels like a huge weight off.. The only thing keeping me here is my son, yet every time Im near him I feel like Im making a mess of it all.

---------- Post added at 22:46 ---------- Previous post was at 22:31 ----------

Angel

On another note. Isn't this a lovely song; Sinead O'Connor - Angel

"Darling, I don't like it when you say
Bad things about yourself
Oh please don't talk that way
You are so beautiful
I wish you could see what I see

You're an Angel
Angel, just like you always want me to be
You're an Angel
Angel, just like you always want me to be

So what if you did wrong things?
When you knew no better
The thing is to draw a line
And be the best you can at any given time

So what if some don't love you
That just means they do not know your heart
Is like the deepest ocean
Full of kindness and compassion

You're an Angel
Angel, just like you always want me to be
You're an Angel
Angel, just like you always want me to be

And I don't want no wedding band
No shiny jewel for my hand
I only want a golden chain
To hang my love upon,
To hang my love upon,
To hang my love upon

Don't hide your eyes from mine
Angels do fall down sometimes
They do get blind
It happens all the time

Oh let your eyes look into mine
You know I loved you all the time
I loved you all the time
Oh how I missed you when you weren't mine

So many tears I cried
Just like a little child
But now those days are gone
I'm by your side
I'll love you even after I die

You're an Angel
Angel, just like you always want me to be
You're an Angel
Angel, just like you always want me to be

And I don't want no wedding band
No shiny jewel for my hand
I only want a golden chain
To hang my love upon,
To hang my love upon,
To hang my love upon"

[Stormsky]

hi
so sorry to hear all this, you really need to see your GP asap...there must be some tests you can have to find out whats going on? you cant go on not eating... your not a failure in anyway... not having any nutrition will be making your outlook on life a lot worse too...

[VivreSaVie]

Hi Nikki,

You poor, poor thing - sounds like you are really having a horrible time of it. I know how difficult it can be to deal with anxiety when you have an empty belly (did you know that when our blood sugar drops, our body gets flooded with cortisol and adrenaline - so it's really important to make sure you can at least have some non-caffeinated lucozade or something).

I'm just having a horrible bout of gastritis at the moment, which has really kicked off my panic attacks again, and I know not being able to eat is making me anxious, which gives me diarrhoea and makes me not want to eat etc etc etc.

But I've been trying chocolate flavoured Complan, mash, and rich tea biscuits, and electrolyte drinks to make sure I don't get dehydrated (you must watch out for that - we get most of our fluids through food) - I wonder if any of those could help you at the moment?

And go hardcore with your GP and DEMAND to be seen properly, and to have an endoscopy or similar (frightening I know, but you can possibly take a sedative before or something) to find out what you have going on. It does sound like more than just anxiety to me, and doctors do seem so woefully ignorant and so willing to fob people off, that I think you really need to fight for yourself to be treated properly, and with respect.

Are you on any medication at all? I know it's not for everyone, and only to be used in moments of real crisis, but some of the benzodiazepines can also help restore your appetite for a bit, and give you a brief bit of respite from your suffering (and it sounds like you are suffering enough to make this a possible option).

And please don't worry about your son - he will love you no matter what, and I'm sure he notices far less than you think he does.

Hang on in there - the sun will come through the clouds soon.

Abi x