How long does a blip last?!

[Elle-Kay]

I moved house in March, for the first time ever in my life, and though I was anxious to begin with, I settled down after a few nights. That is, until I got ill with a tummy bug or something and was really poorly throughout one entire night (causing major panic attacks & so on). Now, ever since then, I've been anxious every night in my new home - I have to keep to the same routine every night, to keep any sort of control over the anxiety. I read myself to sleep, keep the TV/DVD on all night, keep a bowl by my bed in case I'm ill, and leave the light on. I'm plagued by thoughts that I will need to run back to my parents' house because I'm ill again, but that I won't be able to get in because they will have left the key in the lock.

I keep telling myself that this is just a blip, and I'm carrying on with my life as much as possible - I'm going to work, eating an evening meal (though I often don't want to) etc. - but still every night I wish I was back home at my parents' house (I'm also generally very homesick, even without the anxiety), where I wouldn't feel too anxious to sleep or put my book down at nights. This has been going on for over 6 weeks now, and I'm losing faith that it can be just a blip - surely a blip can't last this long?!

Leah xx

--- Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

[darkangel]

hi leah

it seems that you have been through a lot of changes with moving house on you own for the first time. I think anyone would take a bit of adjusting so you are doing really well. It is good that you are carrying on with the rest of life as much as possible by keeping working.
as for how long a blip lasts - i suppose it only lasts as long as you allow it to. How did you feel when you moved in at first before you took the tummy bug? I have been living on my own for nearly a year now - and to be honest there are still times I wish someone was here or I could go somewhere to feel safe. Things seem OK until we have a little bit of a setback and then we add on the thoughts and we start to doubt our abilities. Could you try to change just one little thing at night as you seem to have got yourself into a routine which is causing you distress - what about listening to a relaxation tape in bed or giving yourself a neck massage - anything that is a bit different but something that would make you feel good and calm.
Thinking about you Leah - hope this has maybe helped just a little bit x


........life is for living not just for surviving

[carlin]

Hi Leah, am so sorry you feel so bad right now. I think you have done so well, left home, got yourelf a nice place to live, working etc....Moving house is a very traumatic thing for any of us, even though it is for a better life. One night you were ill, you were on your own and panicked, but you did survive- of course you will be anxious that it will happen again, don't worry that you leave the tv/dvd on (i do that when my hubby works nights) anything that offers comfort to you is fine. as for your parents, if you had to go back at some stage, i am sure they would welcome it, why not ring them last thing at night, have a chat with mum for a little re-assurance, if you needed to get to them, ring them first they would unlock the door and be waiting for you...all back-up because this will not be necessary, you are doing just fine!!! My daughter (aged 26) left home a few months back, she is not an anxiety sufferer and moved in with her boyfriend, but she says she is still a little homesick, last night there was a mouse in their kitchen (don't ask) and they were both back here like a shot!!!!! Am not trying to make light of how you feel, but i think it is very natural, take care and keep in touch xxxx

[Elle-Kay]

Thanks guys. I keep trying to reassure myself that of course my mum & dad would unlock the door if I just called, or knocked, but then I hate to wake them in the middle of the night just because I can't control my anxiety - I feel so selfish when I think that, it just makes me more anxious, because I think "I just *can't* do that to them..", and that leaves me where? "Trapped", which is always my biggest fear. I'm really looking forward to my sister coming home from University on 12th July, as she will move back home with my parents at that stage, and I know I can trust her (not that I don't trust my mum & dad) to take the key out of the lock at night if I ask her to, and get up to unlock the door for me in the night if I need to. She is younger than me (she is 21, I'm 24), but when I was ill when I was away from home earlier in the year, she was the one who stood with me in the freezing cold, held my hand and hugged me while I waited for my fiance to come and drive me back home, then she even left the party early to come home with me just because I asked her to as it was a comfort. I feel selfish for feeling as if the only reason I want her home is so she can make me feel safer, but she really is a rock, and I know she'll still love me, no matter what silly things I ask her to do!

The last few nights I have started to write a bit of a diary, scoring the anxiety/panic I feel out of 10 each night, so that when it does start getting better, if I have a more negative day, I can reassure myself by looking at the cold hard figures that tell me that, actually, it is gradually lessening, and I haven't been imagining it. I feel anxious writing my thoughts down, as if that somehow makes it real, and not just a part of my mind that can be thought away with some effort, but maybe writing down my feelings will eventually help in some way.

Last week, when it was so hot, I felt a bit better (though usually the heat makes me feel worse because I can't evenin fidget without feeling uncomfortable!) and was able to put something random on TV at night rather than one of my selection of "comfort DVDs" (Blackadder is a favourite, even though I know every line inside out!), and put my book down and turn the light out to go to sleep without having to practically knock myself out with reading, so I'm looking forward to that stage coming back again (though I don't understand why I'm "knocked out" more this week in the first place...)

I think tonight I will put some lavender pillow spray on my pillow to try & help me get a good night's sleep, and see how I feel tomorrow. I have been tired recently as well (probably due to sleeping lightly because I'm even anxious whilst asleep), so maybe a couple of nights of relaxing sleep will help get me on the road to non-blip territory

Sorry for rambling on for so long!

Leah xx

--- Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

[Tanya]

I my first thought when I read your post, Leah, is how much courage you've shown to do what you've done and to stick with it.

Change is difficult for the best of us, so give yourself time to adjust to being on your own. But, I'm guessing from your posts that your parents are good people and love you very much, I'm sure (and I'm sure your sure) that they would accept you back in a heartbeat. Don't let the guilt overtake your great success here. Your awesome!!! You have way more courage then I do.

But don't beat yourself up too much if you happen to decide its not the right time for you. And if you do decide this is still a great idea, let yourself be secure with your parents love for you.

I actually do the same thing. I want to give my parents a normal life without having a sick daughter to worry about. But that's my take on the situation. Their take on it is, they have a sick daughter they love very much and they will do anything and everything to make me feel content. So you got to look at their point of view as well.

Hope things work out for the best. Whichever way the best happens to be.

hugs,
Tanya

[Elle-Kay]

Thanks for your replies, guys.

Nigel - I think you're right. My anxiety mostly centres around "what will happen if I'm ill?", and this seems to be no different. I suffer migraines, so I'm well-used to being disturbed in the night by feeling unwell, and particularly a misbehaving stomach, but somehow it never seemed so bad when I was at home with my parents & always knew that Mum was in the next room, if I needed her. I *am* 24, so she would only come to me if it was a particularly bad turn, or I asked for her, but still, it was comforting that she was 5 seconds call away if I needed her. Now, it would be a case of getting dressed, getting out to my car & making the 5 minute journey home if I needed her (whilst feeling poorly)... and the gap between 5 seconds and 5 minutes is *huge* when your imagination is on the 'what if?' trail as we all know Having said that, I used some of my lavender pillow spray the night before last (last night I had a bad night again as I felt queasy after some fish for dinner, so I'm going to discount that one!), and I seemed to get to sleep more easily (though still with the bedside light/TV on etc., but I guess it's a start). I have a self-hypnosis CD by Robert Farago called "No fear", so maybe I'll pop that in the car tomorrow, and actually listen to it

Tanya - thank-you so much for your positive thoughts. I don't feel so brave now, after a near-miss with a panic attack at the weekend, and a rough night last night, but thank-you for your belief Next time I worry about putting my parents out, I will try to think how I would feel if my sister, or my fiancee were experiencing what I am, and needed to come to me for something. I don't have any children, but maybe this will get me a little bit closer to thinking along the same lines as my mum & dad. I guess I just hate to be a burden to them, as this all started when I was 15, so they have had nearly 10 years of making special arrangements just so that I stay as relaxed as possible.

Leah xx

--- Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

[jackie]

it will last as long as you fear it leah, i know i am having a really bad blip with my anxiety symptoms that will just not subside and im wonndering when they will but i know they will not whilst i still fear them as much as i do

i hope you feel calm in your new home because it was a huge step in the first place for you

jackie

[Elle-Kay]

Well, I'm pleased to say I had a better night's sleep last night I nodded off without having to exhaust myself by reading (I did read, but when I started to feel dozey I put the book down and dozed off). I even woke up feeling quite positive about the day! I think what made the difference was that I plucked up the courage to text my mum to ask if she would mind leaving the key out of the lock at home, as I explained that my anxiety was really playing up at the moment, and knowing that I could get in if I needed to would be a comfort to me. I half-expected a reply saying "Ok, but just this once" or something, but what I got was "Ok, but your bed isn't made up"! I would have slept on the floor if I'd needed to go down there, I was that relieved that she had accepted what I'd said without any uncomfortableness

Nigel - good point about the CD! I think it does have a warning on, come to think of it, so I would have noticed, but thank-you for being so alert!

Jackie - I think you're right. I have to keep chipping away at the things I've done to try & protect myself from the anxiety, changing them one by one, so that I realise that even without them there's no need to be afraid of the help my body is trying to give me, as Nigel said further up the thread. Good luck with your blip, I hope it doesn't last much longer!

Leah xx

--- Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

[KFox]

Blips are very annoying. My last one was just a couple of days ago, but in the past it's taken me up to a week to recover.

[Elle-Kay]

Over the weekend I have had two pretty bad nights unfortunately :( On Friday night, all was fine to begin with - I had some dinner, I went to bed, read my book, put it down and fell asleep. Then at about midnight I woke up in an absolute panic, and had no sense of where I was (I knew, but I didn't recognise anything, if you see what I mean). To cut a long story short, I ended up dashing out of the house back to my parents' house (definitely flight more than fight!), but they had locked the door and left the key in the lock so I couldn't get in, so after a while of just standing outside feeling helpless I had to come back home where I was still panicking, and ended up spending most of the night in the lounge with my fiancee just talking and talking to try and divert my attention from the panic. Eventually he fell asleep on the setee & I dozed fitfully for about 5 mins at a time until 6am when I finally gave up and went up to bed. On saturday I woke up at about 11am and felt ok (apart from feeling an idiot), but still a bit anxious, so I forced myself to go into town even though I wanted to avoid it. Felt a bit panicky while there, but managed to get there and back in one piece.

Yesterday was good, until I started to get a migraine (plus the nausea that goes with it), which got steadily worse by the end of the night and to cut a long story even shorter (too late!), ended in me laying on my bed fully clothed until I finally nodded off to sleep at about 4am, only to wake up at 8am still with a migraine.

I have decided now that enough is enough. I am tired of pretending I'm doing ok off my own back only to be dashed back down with the next blip, so I've decided to look into CBT and get this sorted out once and for all before I ruin my wedding next year by being unable to enjoy it due to anxiety!

A very cross with herself, and strangely stubborn-feeling,
Leah xx

--- Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.