Seeping into all areas of life and thoughts

[hallam11]

Hello,

So I have OCD thoughts. My worst are the harm ones especially the sexual misconduct child ruminations. I have suffered these for 7 years now. I don't want to go into any detail on them because it doesn't help but lets just say they got much worse over the course over the 7 years. Anyway every so often I find that I will verbally abuse myself with words. I have low self confidence and when I am feeling very upset with myself or angry with myself I will call myself something like " abuser" or something along those lines which is ridiculous as I have never hurt anyone like that or like anything really.

I will read a book and it will be talking about love, it will say something about unbridled love and passion for someone and I will think "what if I have that for children". That's just an example. So I guess what I am asking is do your thoughts seep into all areas of your life? I like to read and I like taking my mind off and being drawn into another world and its crap that now it can affect that but I wont give up reading. I already give up stuff for it so I wont do that. Does anyone else find that it niggles its way into each different area of your life?

There are times when I know that the thoughts are just OCD, I have logic sometimes. I can see that there is a difference from who I am and the thoughts and then other times I believe it wholly even though I don't want to believe it and it makes me unhappy. Does anyone else have that?

I would like to hear from fellow OCD sufferers and whether they find that their thoughts and worries come into other parts of their lives and whether you go through periods of believing it and then seeing it for what it is?

Laura xx

[Stormsky]

If the negative thoughts arent bad enough, we then obsess over 'why am i thinking that' and 'why cant i stop thinking that'... Thoughts come and go all the time, its just we tend to stop and grab one and question why why why did i have that thought,where did it come from..... The more a thought frightens us, the more it hangs around... the more importance we give it, the more its at the front of our mind... and because we worry 'why' all the time, a thought that should just pass through , ends up sticking....You cant stop random thoughts, sometimes they are not nice ones, scary even... it tends to be those scarier ones that we grab and question... you have to try and just see them as thoughts and nothing more, and let them go... dont fight to get rid of a specific thought though, as fighting it will bring it back more... accept the thought, rationalise with it, and let it go...
These thoughts effect us so much because they are the complete opposite of what we are, they upset you because its not who you are...

[capricorn234]

Stormsky is so right. The thoughts are always the opposite of what you really are and creating the fear and power, OCD on top makes you doubt..."what if" etc.....it's a horrible thing. Mine started when I had my son nearly 23 years ago and then I had no understanding of it(up until then had the germ fear). It's only been fairly recently I have understood how commmon this is with OCD, how many people experience this and the relief knowing I am not alone was immense. I have them less now but if I do get them I try to say to myself this is the OCD bully making me doubt, creating thoughts that are against everything I truly am. It is so difficult to see this when the anxiety is bad but remember it is the OCD and not you.....I have written this down and stuck it on my computer and keep reading it....my best wishes.

[hallam11]

Thank you for your replies. I know it makes sense what you are saying and it is frustrating that I can't seem to make my brain understand it and accept it. Sometimes I can but the doubt is always there!

Anyway they say for ocd one of the best things is exposure to what you fear. Now I did that in the summer where I was working as a holiday rep. And it didn't bother me, at times I was uncomfortable but I knew I didn't want to hurt anyone. So why am I back to this point? Part of me thinks that my issues with children go further back than just these intrusive thoughts.

Ever since I was about 10 really, my cousin was born and everytime she was near me she would cry, I remember all my family laughing saying she didn't like me and thats why she cried. one time they made me hold her and she was crying loads and then they left the room so I sat down on the floor with her and sat her on the floor in front of me, i didn't want to drop her but she rolled onto her front and began wailing and all my family ran in and was all saying "what have you done to her?" I was really upset and thought I had done something wrong and hurt her even though she was ok.

Ever since then I stayed away from babies, I was petrified of them. I was so scared that everytime there was a baby around I was so angry with the baby. My mum began childminding another baby and when I got home from school all he would do was cry. I wanted to go to sleep, i had a sleep problem and was always tired. So when he was sleeping I would pinch him so he was awake. Anyway so for quite a few years I hated babies because I was so scared of them. When my cousins were older I babysat and everything was ok, they weren't so scary even though they were devil children!

Anyway so my question is, I have always had issues with children but until just before my 18th Birthday I had never thought about hurting them physically or sexually. Could this be a reason why my intrusive thoughts are stuck on this particular subject?
Sorry if this is long but I just thought it would be easier to answer this if you knew a bit of background.

Even though I know I exposed myself and got through it but my mind then goes into other routes like "maybe your waiting for the right time" or "maybe your waiting until you are alone in a house with a child" etc but this is odd because there is no way I want to be in a house with a child. I avoid situations in which children are there.

I know this is all a bit confusing. It confuses me too!
xx

[capricorn234]

I think we try to analyse these thoughts too much. I used to do the same, trying to find things in my past that maybe were triggers, but because I could not come up with a "concrete" answer I was left with more confusion and "what ifs". I call it analysis paralysis..it's a killer and leaves you feeling worse. I have had times where all the thoughts would numb me with the fear, scared of facing people etc etc....I really do sympathise. Please remember this, it is something I have learnt, the thoughts are the opposite of what you are.....the fact that the thoughts shock and upset you is all the evidence you need to realise it is OCD, your mind playing tricks. Get a piece of paper and if you can write down "These thoughts are rubbish, it's the OCD not me". Put it by your bed or computer where you can see it, maybe one in your pocket when you go out. Let me know how you are....hugs.

[hallam11]

Hi Capricorn,

Thank you for your reply. It helps to know others are out there with the same thoughts and helpful that you guys are there. Where you have said that the thoughts would numb you, thats exactly how I feel. Sometimes I walk around like a zombie! So I understand what you are saying. That is a helpful tip about the piece of paper. Only thing is I am a silent sufferer so my mum doesn't know so these pieces of paper may have to be hidden!

Can I ask a question? Does anyone else do this? So I will think to myself, I have goals, I have things I want to do with my life in terms of a career and marriage. Then I think does a child abuser have these goals and ambitions, if they don't then im safe if they still do then its just another point racking up to the fact I may be this way?! I am guessing this is just another obsession, another route it takes. 8 times out of 10 I don't actually have a visual disturbing thought it will just be verbal (if that makes me sense) like wondering how my personality is different form that of a child abuser and if there are similarities then that's when I start to panic!

Is this a normal aspect of ocd. The compulsions are getting worse what with my putting things straight all the time, I get agitated if things aren't just right. My bed sheet may well rip soon if I keep pulling it straight. Not only that my curtains have to be equal, straight. I know this is all because I am out of work and when I am I tend to start getting worked up over these things again!

Thanks for any help xx

[capricorn234]

Our minds are powerful things and can distort any sense of reality if we let it and OCD is a prime example. I have to have order, feel things are clean because it's a way of coping and feeling acceptable, I have read so much literature now just to get an understanding of all this crippling stuff. So many on here get these horrid horrid thoughts but the more you doubt and analysize the worse it gets. Mine were mainly about harm, visions, me not caring, plus numerous others too long to list. I went to see a CBT counsellor and what really helped was her giving me a list of all the scary thoughts people get, even people without OCD. The difference is that people with OCD are in such a heightened state of self doubt and anxiety that the thoughts feel real and get a hold of you this is what OCD does. Have you got some books you can read, it may really help a lot? I know it helped me just to to realise how common these thoughts are, it feels less isolating. Also to share it with someone is important, I am lucky I have a lot of people who care and understand, though I am loads better now, it is a constant battle.

[hallam11]

Thank you. What you said does make sense to me. It does amaze me just how many different faces it has!!!!

I have my best friend, she knows everything. I tried to tell my sister once but she didn't listen to me and my mum is very close minded and I don't really talk to her about deep stuff.

x

[hallam11]

So I've got a little anxiety going on at the minute. I can feel it, I feel tense and like panicky. My mum decided to turn the tv channel onto that show Toddlers and Tiaras, a show I feel is ridiculous anyway. I don't and have never watched it but I have seen articles and comments about it on tv shows. So anyway my mum doesn't like it but continues to keep it on whilst looking for another tv programme to watch. One of the girls, probably about 5 or 6 is some kind of dancer, ballet perhaps and she's wearing a swimming costume type leotard and my anxiety just rockets.

I do want to just say that when I am around children or see them on tv I always feel like I shouldn't be looking at them and what if I see something especially if its a girl and has a skirt on so one of my compulsions is to check that you can't see anything. So I will look at them and make sure, thing is, its not a very clever compulsion because it makes me feel worse like im wanting to look at them. So when she was in her leotard or whatever it was I looked "down there" to make sure you couldn't see anything - needless to say I felt worse after! Thoughts were running round my head thinking well why would you look anyway?
Needless to say im giving myself rather a rough time of it right now!

[hallam11]

Right so I said last night that my anxiety was high and I was feel quite upset. I was then able to move past this by understanding that I don't actually want to look at the child but just checking. So I went to bed and had a bloody nightmare about the other obsession I seem to have when I lay the former to rest.

So this nightmare is that something is happening to the world and so me and a few others seek refuge in this underground kind of shelter. Anyway when we get down there, there is someone down there and they run after us and lock us in a part of the shelter and then set fire. So at first I am with the guy and woman in this room and we smell the fire and she runs and tries to roll out the fire (and no it doesn't make sense) next to her is this baby (quite a big baby so probably about 9/10 months) and has rolled down with her so I run to the bottom and pick the baby up and it is crying and coughing and seems as though he/she wants to be sick so I hold it away from my body and i squeeze in my hands to try and help it and then I turn it around and rubbed its back but still no sick so I squeezed its tummy again but it screamed out and I realised i'd hurt it and then I woke up!??? Thing is when I'd squeezed its tummy I was angry or frustrated because we were in a hurry and it wouldn't be sick. So now im anxious over that! Like what if I want to or would hurt children like that. As you can see my obsessions are usually related to children. I don't know why this is, maybe because I am scared of children... well mostly babies, im uncomfortable around them.
I don't sleep well as it is because im afraid I'll have a nightmare about things like this so when i do have a dream like this it really knocks me.Anyway I thought writing it down may help me.