Seeping into all areas of life and thoughts

[hallam11]

I am sorry if I have offended anyone with this post, I really didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings with the last post. I am just upset by these types of things, well its more of an overwhelming sense of fear. I haven't cried yet about it this time because im scared if I do I wont stop!
I have this book called imp of the mind - now when I read about bad thoughts etc and the "usual" things go on in a mind of someone who lives with bad thoughts I was able to relate to quite a lot of it. Then it went on to say when bad thoughts are dangerous -it says if you don't feel upset by your thoughts and find them pleasurable. Well that's definitely not me because I am terribly upset and disturbed by my thoughts.

The next one says if you have ever acted upon violent, sexual thoughts or urges in the past with people or animals.I have never acted upon any sexual bad thoughts. The only thing I can hold my hand up to is when I was younger, I dunno how old I was maybe 12. And I swung our cat round by its tail, i'd also shoot this play gun thing and it scared it. Now I can't describe just how mortified I am by this. It hurts me to think back to that because I am just so sorry. The only excuse I could give is back then I really didn't like cats but that's no excuse and I wish I'd never done it. I have two cats now and I love them to bits and I would never hurt them. I love them so much and it hurts me to think I have hurt a cat in the past. Anyway due to this I felt so scared and awful thinking because it said it in this book if you have ever acted upon a violent thought etc that it means something.

I feel compelled to keep reading this book hoping it will say something that will stick in my mind to let me know I wont do anything bad but I am taking everything literally and seeing if it eludes anything toward me.

God im just going round in circles!

[hallam11]

I thought maybe I would feel better today but it just all seems so bleak. Im in a bit of a state actually. I keep testing myself, like looking at children and seeing if I feel anything. At the minute I am scared of feeling an anger toward them, like wanting to hurt them.
The thing is I have deep seeded issues about babies and children from when I was younger
and because I am so scared of them I feel anger...god I dunno. I just feel like i deserve to be in a hospital or prison.

[Stormsky]

You dont need a hospital or prison! so calm yourself....
no one ever got into trouble over 'thoughts'... and remember they are just thoughts! ive had thoughts of harming family and my dogs...but i know i WOULD never do anything like it.... its the opposite of my nature, which is why it frightens us so much...
Stop testing yourself... its not going to help, your expectiing to feel anger, so thats what you WILL feel...
like we spoke about, you have this assocation from a child, its not going to just go away...you need some form of counselling thats all...
For now, forget about children, go do something, clean, play with your cats..anything to distract...
Your anger comes from your childhood experience with children... the feeling that they dont like you....your not really angry with them ...the confusion over it all is whats scaring you...
try and see your gp next week for a chat...xx

[hallam11]

Is it normal to completely believe the thoughts and by doing so does it feel like you desire the thoughts even though you are scared stiff by the thoughts, panic rises and the fear consumes you? I keep thinking if I wanted this then why do I avoid situations where I would be near children and even turn channels when children are on the programme.

When I was abroad I felt no anger towards the children, i felt no animosity. There was an odd time I felt uncomfortable but that was it? Is this all worse just because I feel depressed and anxious?

[hallam11]

I just thought I would use this as a kind of diary now. It feel a bit better to write it down even if no-one does reply.

So anyway I have been feeling on edge, very emotional, upset, anxious and scared for the past few days now.

I do have to make one observation though - since I have had the nightmare about pushing the childs tummy I have been worried about hurting children physically, scared that I have rage toward them and anger. My observation is this - since then I have had many of my usual intrusive thoughts of sexual abuse. And if I have... I have been able to easily brush them off feeling as though it didn't matter because they weren't true!
This happened when I first began having intrusive thoughts - I had two separate intrusive thoughts which would take turns in torturing me. When I would be obsessing over one of them the other wouldn't bother me and vice versa! Im not saying that if I had a bad thought it didn't shock me or disturb me because they did but I didn't obsess and continually worry.

When I was able to lay one of them to rest then the only one that bothered me was the same old chestnut committing sexual abuse. And now there's this other intrusive thought again and so they are toing and frowing. Anyway I just wanted to jot this down so if there are any others out there that this happens to, it may comfort them some.

[hallam11]

Hello again,

As writing this down as a sort of diary I thought I would carry on.
Today I feel calmer, I feel a bit better. I don't seem to be worrying as much about things.
I have to go to the job centre which I don't really like. Then this afternoon I have to go to the doctors.This I am a little worried about however I am also trying not to worry about this.
Last night I watch girl,interrupted and for some reason it made me feel better? Don't know why. I have always had this thought of being hospitalised. It's not a fear or something I worry about but I do think of it as a safe place for me if that makes sense?
I know something from watching the film, I am no sociopath like Angelina Jolie's character. I found her scary but I couldn't see her in me.
Anyway that's enough for now x

[hallam11]

So last night I took my 10th citalopram tablet - I think it's still to early to feel any difference yet.
So I find that when I wake up in the morning and when im in the shower I tend to worry more or are more likely to begin the rumination/intrusive thoughts process. Now when I wake up I cant stay and relax in bed like I used to be able to and when I go in the shower I need to have a podcast on to listen to so I don't think. Last night however I didn't have a podcast on and I really worked myself up.

So basically when I first started with these particular intrusive thoughts I was a few weeks away from my 18th Birthday. I was in a relationship (with a girl ) it was a messy and hidden relationship and I was very stressed and had begun to feel very depressed. Whilst I was with this girl I had begun to have second thoughts - or so I thought, it may well have been relationship ocd. So one day I was on the bus to college and I was thinking about whether I really wanted to be with her and I started to think that actually I wanted to marry and man and have children. Anyway a memory popped into my head - when i was in school a girl told me and a group of friends this story of a woman who wondered whether her baby boy could (im so sorry for this if this offends or hurts anyone's feelings) ok so I cant say it but if you stroke or handle a man's penis it will usually become erect and she wondered if her baby would be the same and so did so. Anyway so when I was on the bus I tried to think back to what my reaction was and I couldn't remember and all I felt was nothing. I remember my friends were saying stuff like "ewww" and being a bit angry maybe - I can't really remember. Anyway because I couldn't remember (and still can't) my EXACT reaction I had a major panic attack on the bus and when I got to college I broke down. I thought that my reaction wasn't the right reaction and maybe that meant that I wanted to hurt children and that's where this all began. I remember at one point - I don't know whether this was when I'd heard the story or when I was on the bus but I remember thinking at least the baby didn't know - because some children are abused when they're old enough to know what is happening and thats awful but at least being a baby he wouldn't have known and for this story to have come out the mother must have been caught. Anyway I don't know and I don't like to think about it but I just wanted to air it.
So last night when I was in the shower and had no distractions I was thinking about it all and I was I guess testing myself thinking well do I think what that woman did was bad? And I was thinking all of these different questions like why was it bad? is her wondering that so bad? and on and on and before I knew it I was back in the rumination and intrusive thoughts. And it really affected me all night. I didn't feel like talking which was ok seeing as though my mum went to bed soon after but it just kept playing and playing in my head.
Today I can see it as just the ocd obsessions taking a new route but last night I was just so drawn in and felt sick. I felt my my chest tighten and I felt the fear so much.
Does anyone else's obsessions usually take the form of doubts and questions rather that images?

[hallam11]

A few weeks ago I read part of a book called Imp of the mind. I spoke of it on here saying how it kind of caused me a panic attack. In the book it showed how different people have different obsessions. Anyway I read a bit on how this man was scared that he was sexually attracted to animals and how he couldn't look at them. At first I thought how could someone be attracted to an animal - its quite odd but its something thats been on my mind since. I have 2 cats that I love lots and Im always cuddling them and giving them kisses. They're my babies and I did have some intrusive thoughts about them - not really bad ones or ones that I feared would come true but then 4 days ago i was letting my cat out of the door and just before I was stroking her - usually I stroke there heads and move down there back up to their tales but I wasn't really paying attention which is quite usual for me (I'm usually in my own head) but I accidently touched the side of her bum and I just kept thinking omg I have just touched my cat inappropriately. But then I calmed myself down. The next day I was on the sofa and my other cat jumped on me and I was playing with her and I did the same thing. Then I thought am I overreacting because I can't see where my hand is so I put my hand back and it was on the fur beside her bum. I snatched my hand away and got up. So now I can't stop thinking about it and I am careful of where I stroke them and it keeps coming into my head that I want to touch them but I don't because I don't get anything from it. Now whenever they are near me I am acutely aware of where their bums are.

But the worse thing from it has me thinking about whether those who hurt animals or children do it because it turns them on or is it something else. Could it be for another reason and then I started thinking well im not turned on but what if i do it for another reason? Can anyone relate to the never ending questions or perhaps shed some light?

[hallam11]

Really having a bad day today....well actually not whole day but after around 4.00. I was having a good day, I'd started a new temp job and I was starting to feel really ok. But then all of a sudden I just had a fleeting thought and even though I knew it wasn't true it just kept attacking me. Just feeling a little low.
x

[hallam11]

I have been having a bit of a bad day - Well not really its been fine for most of the day as usual but then I just feel very low.
Since I started having my intrusive thoughts I have avoided an awful lot of things and sadly one of those things are some of my favourite movies which may trigger off my intrusive thoughts. Tonight I was flicking through sky and saw Three Men and a Baby - I used to love this film growing up - one of those films that reminds me of my childhood so I thought actually I am going to watch it and I am so very confused now. I don't really know what to think if that makes any sense - I didn't have an intrusive thoughts per se but I felt uncomfortable and I had this feeling of just feeling of sadness and kind of wanting a baby to look after? I felt like I was just extremely uncomortable - I felt sure that I didn't want to hurt a child sexually but then I got scared but what if I shook a baby because he/she was crying. It feels as though when I feel sure of one thing another takes its place?! Is this usual - I don't usually ask for any replies on this thread but I would like some replies if possible because I am so very confused!
Thanks xxxx