Is it for real this time?

[Melon1]

Hi...

I have posted a few times on and off over the last few years. Today I feel as if I have got to the point where I am on the verge of a health anxiety melt down.

At the beginning of Jan I noticed a small eczema type rash on my left breast around the nipple area, also a mild aching feeling. I went to the doc and she just said that it was an irritation and to use a steroid cream. I was convinced that it was breast cancer and even though I did a thorough examination of myself (as did the doc) and there were no lumps, bumps or changes, I still thought the doc was wrong in her diagnosis. I went back again with the same symptoms and she said to keep going with the cream.

anyway, a few weeks later, the eczema had disappeared, but now I still had breast pain (gotten worse), radiating to the back left shoulder blade and in my rib cage. I saw a different doctor who said that she thinks I have pulled a muscle and it is muscular. I saw this doctor a week ago, and since then, I have gotten a mild cough and my left lung feels heavy and uncomfortable.

Now AM I IMAGINING THIS? Have I brought these symptoms on myself? This is the question I am battling with. Have I catastrophised some simple symptoms and made them worse? My rational side says that I am too conscious of my body and have made my lungs ache with breathing too much. And my achiness could be caused by aerobics, lifting weights and netball.... I also get numbness in my mouth and teeth.

My irrational side says that too many times the doc has given me the all clear so this time I must have a terminal illness (Lung Cancer now!). I look very pale with sunken eyes, feel utterly miserable and long to get rid of this HA.

I feel as if I go on all the time about my health to my poor husband. Check this, check that and everytime I look at my children I imagine them withouth their mum. It absolutely breaks my heart. I wish I could be an optimist. Before having children I was much more so. I never had any anxiety or depression.

My thought pattern nowadays seems to be the norm. I am rarely happy and can't remember the last time I really looked forward to something. I have so much to look forward to as well. Center parcs, spain, camping, 40th birthday do's.... why????

I have a great life with a wonderful family and I wish this HA would leave me alone. I tried CBT and that did not really work for me. I tried a counsellor too, and she was lovely, but I just need someone to tell me I will not get cancer and then I will be okay. I just think that one day Cancer will get me no matter what I do. I would just ask my doc to let me have a chest xray, but I have already had two over the last four years, and worry about the effects of radiation.

I see old people in the street and think ' oh look some people live to a good old age' I really hope that is me. (I am 38 by the way) I constantly think about dying.

I am still able to partake in my fitness activities and am still able to do them fully. My breathing is okay. I do notice my chest and shoulder blade still hurting though.

I have recently had a wood burning stove fitted in my lounge which is so lovely. Until I read that they can give off cancerous chemicals if not used properly....! Great!, will probably never use it again now.

Everything is bad for you... I used to smoke, properly from the age of 17, on and off social smoking from the age of 28 and completely gave up 3 years ago. I drink in moderation, but stay away from parabens in beauty products and cosmetics, use natural cleaning agents and eat a very healthy diet. I can't watch anything on the tv about cancer and never read any magazines with 'true life' stories in them...

I want my old life back and to feel well again with no symptoms, real or imagined!! I want to laugh and share loads of jokes with my husband just like we used to. I want my sex life back. I am totallly off sex and just want cuddles.... I feel as if I push my family away, so if there is something wrong with me, they will not miss me when I am gone.

I am sorry. This is a bit of a rant and I wonder if anyone else feels like me. I am just typing up what I pretty much feel right now!

I hope that one day we can all get over this. Does anyone know of any good books to help.

Lots of love

Helen
xx

[MaryMac]

Hi Helen, sorry you are going through all of this. I can somewhat relate to your feelings, I don't have kids but I have a wonderful family with nieces, great friends, a great career etc.... I lost my mum to breast cancer in 2004 (also lost several other close family members since then). But this HA has been so severe since around October, I'm CONVINCED I have leukemia, everyone asks me why I don't go for a blood test to put my mind at ease but I'm so scared. I can't focus on anything except checking myself for symptoms, which I keep thinking I find, I google CONSTANTLY, my work is suffering... I'm very lucky in that I have great people around me who reassure me no matter how much I annoy them. If I go to the doctor and get a blood test and it's all good, I'll feel as though I've been given a second chance even though I never had it in the first place!!

It's a horrible thing to have, I pretty much spend my days sitting shaking with palpitations and running to check for any more symptoms. I never thought I'd end up like this. I'm 30 and due to start CBT soon, I just really hope that it helps. Even 4 months ago I was a completely different person to this. Best of luck to you. x

[Melon1]

Oh..sounds awful for you. If there is a blood test available you should go for it. It will make you feel fantastic and then you can go on living your life... I have had all sorts of HA attacks. So far, I have had ovarian, breast, bowel and lung cancer.

It is a horrendous feeling. I too google all the time and it just makes me feel worse. I am sure my doctor just thinks 'oh god here she comes again'. It makes me not want to go, but then I am scared not to go.

I feel another appointment coming on tomorrow.

Keep strong... really hope you start to feel better soon
xxx

[bettykitten]

Oh sweetheart. Big hug for you.

I can totally empathise with where you are coming from. in Octobe, I KNEW I had ovarian cancer. I could feel it. I sobbed every night for two weeks over it until I plucked up the courage to see my GP.

I really understand what you're saying about wanting to feel symptom free again, I know that feeling so well. I feel like I can rule one imagined illness out then a whole new host of symptoms crop up and get my mind working overtime! It is like a never-ending cycle of misery.

The thing with us HA sufferers is that we do like to catastrophise. It's always cancer/HIV/some other life-threatening disease. It's never pulled muscle/simple virus/totally treatable condition, is it? I am having loose stools at the minute and that advert about the symptoms of bowel cancer has sent me into a righ state again. I am certain that's what I have, even though in my clearer moments I know that my anxiety/sertraline/diet can all affect my bowels. But it seems so natural for me to imagine the worst. You're not alone, I really know how you are feeling. I don't want to waste my good years worrying either! There will come a time hopefully in old age when I WILL become sick and I don't want to look back and think "Well you wasted those years worrying, you stupid woman!"

One last thing, breast cancer is usually painless. It is only in its more advanced stages that it becomes painful, so you would have other symptoms too I would imagine. Berast pain can be cyclical, I have it. I get painful boobs at ovulation/period/every other sunday Also, some women have very "glandy" breasts which makes them more tender. If you are very worried then ask for a referral but I really think you are fine.

---------- Post added at 14:34 ---------- Previous post was at 14:26 ----------

PM me if you need a chat/some moral support.

[Melon1]

Oh..sounds awful for you. If there is a blood test available you should go for it. It will make you feel fantastic and then you can go on living your life... I have had all sorts of HA attacks. So far, I have had ovarian, breast, bowel and lung cancer.

It is a horrendous feeling. I too google all the time and it just makes me feel worse. I am sure my doctor just thinks 'oh god here she comes again'. It makes me not want to go, but then I am scared not to go.

I feel another appointment coming on tomorrow.

Keep strong... really hope you start to feel better soon
xxx

---------- Post added at 14:41 ---------- Previous post was at 14:38 ----------

Thanks Betty Kitten... I just wish that I could forget about the symptoms and then they would go away. Last year, when my HA was at its peak, as soon as I had a scan they symptoms magicallyl went away.

This time however, I keep thinking it could be for real and that I really do have lung cancer. After googling, all they symptoms I have point to this. I am really scared.

X

[kinnygirl1]

Hi there Helen - so understand what you mean- My HA is my heart and I have been suffering since the summer. I have good weeks and bad - the last been very bad with palpitations and chest and arm pains all day everyday. Have had tests which have found nothing but I am convinced that there is something there. It's affecting everything I do at the moment as I just can't seem to relax.

All we can do Helen I think is try to get through each day as it comes. I always I give myself a pat on the back at the end of each day and look forward to the time when I don't even think about my anxiety.

Hugs x x x

[hard to live with]

hi i have just recently joined i too suffer from ha i am driving my family mad. went for scan three weeks ago and was told there and then all ok but still worry in case i heard her wrong did i miss hear her what a wreck i have been for three weeks