PostPartum Pure O OCD - Really need some words of encouragement

[MummyJ]

I am really suffering at the moment. To cut a long story short... I first began experiencing Pure O about ten years ago...but got help and tooks meds and it went away for many years. I fell pregnant last year and decided to come off meds. After childbirth my Pure O came back. I started having horrible thoughts that I would hurt my baby...that I would lose control and go crazy. I knew I needed help, as my anxiety levels are so high. I decided to tell the nurses who have been visiting me to help me with my post natal depression. The nurses then called their head dr who said that I had to be admitted and that I was unsafe to be around my baby. I was so upset. My partner who I have been so afraid and ashamed of telling about my Pure O illness, had no idea what was happening...and as they were taking me away, she said to my partner, "there's a big difference between been scared of dropping the baby down the stairs and wanting to throw him down". As you can imagine my partner was horrified. I didn't get a chance to talk to him, as I was taken away to hospital...which was the worst car ride in my life. When I got to hospital the head psychiatrist talked to me and said I could go home as long as my partner was with me at all times...and that they had to report me to Child protection services. I feel devastated and deeply depressed. I never said I wanted to throw my baby down the stairs. The thing is I feel terrified that I will go crazy and do something like that...but I don't have any intentoin of doing it...or any desire to do it. I know I am extremely anxious...and these thoughts cause such anxiety and I can't stop them and it's just this horrible recurring thing. I also don't just have thoughts about my baby, I have it about other things too. Anyway, any words of encouragement would really help me right now. I have just started meds and am hanging out till they kick in. I really want to get better. I feel devastated that the nurse said those things to my partner as I felt it took my words out of context. Please

[Stormsky]

Hi
How awful that you were treated that way... Dont doctors or nurses know anything about anxiety/depression/ocd in Australia?
I know mothers who have those thoughts that done suffer OCD, that just couldnt cope with the stress of a baby...
However, intrusive thoughts like these are very common... and they usually effect people that would never harm a fly!
I had thoughts of harming family/pets... made me ill, sick, i was so scared, because its the complete opposite of my nature...

If the negative thoughts arent bad enough, we then obsess over 'why am i thinking that' and 'why cant i stop thinking that'... Thoughts come and go all the time, its just we tend to stop and grab one and question why why why did i have that thought,where did it come from..... The more a thought frightens us, the more it hangs around... the more importance we give it, the more its at the front of our mind... and because we worry 'why' all the time, a thought that should just pass through , ends up sticking....You cant stop random thoughts, sometimes they are not nice ones, scary even... it tends to be those scarier ones that we grab and question... you have to try and just see them as thoughts and nothing more, and let them go... dont fight to get rid of a specific thought though, as fighting it will bring it back more... accept the thought, rationalise with it, and let it go...
These thoughts effect us so much because they are the complete opposite of what we are, they upset you because its not who you are...

[clc]

I can't believe they did that to you. I told both my doctor and therapist about my suicide intrusive thoughts and they just said yep that's really common your not guna kill yourself. Pure OCD is soooo common so that nurse clearly knew nothing. Maybe consider meds again if they helped? She was stupid please ignore her!! Also tell your husband the truth I tol my parents and my boyfriend and it made it so much easier.

[mck]

Hi iam so sorry you're going through this, do as much research as you can on OCD & show it to these psychiatrists who obviously don't have a clue!, you are not a danger to your child but going to see nurses & psychiatrists who have said you are has obviously set that fear even deeper in you (as it would with anyone). I would seriously think about changing your psychiatrist to one that actually understands pure-o, there is not many out there!. I have pure-o to harm-o it comes with terrible thoughts/urges/constant ruminating & extreme anxiety/self doubt. It really is not nice & i understand to some extent what you're going through.I just wanted to tell you, you arent alone & you will get through this.
Take a look at this website http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php
& Take care
mck

[MummyJ]

Thank you everyone for your support.It really is a very hard time for me. The whole incident just made me feel terrible...like I really must be crazy cause they wanted to take me away from my baby. The psychiatrist also told me an anecdote of a woman who drowned her children and...well.yeah...that made me feel like absolute crap. Anyway...I have tried to rationalise everything...and I realise that if they REALLY thought I was going to do something they wouldn't have let me go home...so that gives me comfort.

@ Stormsky. Your words make such sense...the thing is I know I won't do anything...like you said,

" intrusive thoughts like these are very common... and they usually effect people that would never harm a fly!"

I wouldn't hurt a fly...and that's truth...Even spiders I catch and let outside as I don't have the heart to kill them. The way you describe the thoughts is EXACTLY how my mind works. Thank you for that insight. I will keep coming back to read it...to remind myself that it is just my thoughts and anxiety.

@CLC...I know I can't believe the way they treated me either. I have since explained it my partner and he is incredibly supportive and understanding. I am really lucky that he understands as what the nurse said to him could have really put strain on our relationship.

@mlk thank you for the link and for letting me know that I;m not alone. It really does help me knowing other people share my illness...even though I would never wish it upon anyone...it comforts me knowing that it's not just me...that I'm not crazy but I just have this terrible illness.

Fortunately, there is some good healthcare in Australia...even though that particular nurse was bad....most of the other nurses have been good. I've been getting a lot of help, and they visit me everyday now. I also have access to ten free therapy sessions with a psychologist. I will also be getting help from a maternal nurse who comes to my house to visit me. So I know I will get there...with the therapy and meds and support...I know I will get there...In the meanwhile I am trying to cope with distraction...and I try and recognise the thoughts aren't me...they are my illness....try not to give it energy...recognise it as my illness...and let the thought pass. It's hard...but I'll get there. I just want to get better for my beautiful son.
Thanks again for your support

[hallam11]

Hello,

I have been reading your posts and I would like to just say you are a very strong woman. What you are going through is really awful, and I understand it must be so very upsetting and scary for you. It's bad enough for me and I don't have children around me!
When that nurse and the other "professionals" said what they said they only made it worse and I can imagine just how downright awful you must have felt.

I can't help it but it just makes me so angry how they reacted. You were vulnerable and they should have been supportive. The worst thing is it makes you believe that actually you could be capable of doing something awful but you won't. The power intrusive thoughts hold over us is absolutely magnificent! It makes us doubt everything!

Please don't despair. And no if they thought you were a threat they would not have let you home!
Take care xxx

[sickandtired]

I cant believe how badly you have been treated....its distgusting!
Im the same with spiders.....petrified of them but I wouldnt kill them......I spend ages pleading with my hubby to catch it ...but not kill it and let it out.....theyre fine living in my shed...just not in my bedroom!!
Ive had intrusive thoughts ,terrible ones...usually involving someone doing something awful to my children (im so over protective of them,I cant help my constant worries....they have recently got so out of control I just couldnt stop crying.
my recent worries have been....
my daughter might have an accident on the school trip to France ,if the coach didnt crash,then there,d be a terrorist attack on the channel tunnel,or she would be abducted from the Xmas Market ....just had this awful dread that something terrible was going to happen
(after the M5 tragedy,I became fixated on accidents,and every time I heard a siren,I was convinced someone close to me had been in a serious accident)even ringing family and making sure theyre oki really thought I was just a normal worried Mum....but the thoughts got more and more upsetting
every time my son went out and he was late home,I envisioned him being stabbed,taking drugs,getting drunk and choking on his vomit,someone beating him up.
My daughter's been having constipation problems.....I convinced myself she had crohns,cancer,colitis or some other dreadful disease.
the list is endless.....
at my worst a few weeks before Xmas.....I actually thought I was going mad and thought...."would if i stab my daughter in my sleep and chop her up??" .....I envisioned going in her room in the morning and finding her......going hysterical......this intrusive thought really shocked and scared me and if I hadnt joined this site and found out I had a form of OCD then I really would have thought I was going mental.Just reading other people having similar problems made me feel better....that I wasnt a bad person.....that of course I would never do anything to harm my kids.....Im ill
that it is actually because I love my kids so much and just want to protect them from every possible danger,that Ive got myself into this state of panic,anxiety,depression.
Ive recently been diagnosed with PTSD and am finally getting the right help with cbt and councelling.Im also taking fluoxetine and feel alot calmer,my worries are still there...but I'm not constantly focusing on them....Im able to dismiss the ludicrous thoughts and function properly now.Im finally realising why Im like I am and its going to take time,but I will get better.
Hang in there with the meds......it is a rough ride,but they do help.
pm me anytime

[cathycrumble]

I am shocked what has happend to you. If you can get the claire weeks book self help for your nerves she has a few books the other is peace from nervous suffering I have them and they are brill she has a chapter on obssesive compulsive thoughts and she says about having thoughts of harming your child lots of women have it with postnatal depression and she writes how it doesnt mean you would do it it just means your nervse are so sensitised and it is hard to banish these thoughts like when we get a tune in our head and it is hard to banish it. Please try and get the book or her books. I am sure you will find help and comfort from her them, good luck.

Cathy xx

[sickandtired]

Hiya Cathy...how are you?