I am struggling quite a lot at the minute

[hallam11]

Ok so some may remember me from a while back. I don't want to go into my story because its bloomin long but I really need some help at the minute.

So I suffer from depression, anxiety and OCD. At least I think its OCD, sometimes I just thing the thoughts etc are real and that I really am a bad person. My main problem/phobia is about children. I have always since a child been scared of them, from my family making fun of me when my cousin cried near me. I was petrified and then when I was near children I became angry because I was so scared of them, this is a feeling I have carried since childhood and still feel now occasionally. I don't want to be angry but I just feel it.

You know how those with health anxiety look up their symptoms on google and it makes them feel worse? Well I typed in google "I feel uncomfortable around children" and these forums came up where someone else had written the same thing. One person had written that he felt uncomfortable around children etc and that when he sees children he feels angry. Now I don't feel anger everytime and not even half the time usually only when im anxious and in a depressed state. Anyway he said that he's come to the conclusion that he doesn't want children and feels as though he wont meet a girl because all girls want to be mothers and have children. Now most replies were saying that he'll be ok, a lot of people feel uncomfortable around children and that not all women want children. Then there were a handful that said it was wrong for him to feel angry and that he should see a Dr and it seemed as though he was harmful! Needless to say I am a nervous wreck at the minute!

Is this right? Because I feel as though I only get angry because I am so scared and I don't want to feel scared so i feel anger at what is making me fear? Oh I don't know! Im just scared because I have to go back abroad in April! And if I slip into this fully I will be a wreck when I go back!

[Stormsky]

Ive read some of your previous threads, and see you didnt have a good response from your GP... you should consider changing surgery and get a new GP... you would probably benefit from some sort of counselling for these phobias of children. As its deep seated from your childhood, its not something that will probably just go away without some help... You just have a bad nuro association linked from your childhood past experience with children, that you need to break... and you need to start by talking with a good GP...

[hallam11]

Thank you, that helps me to see it a different way? I just said to my friend that its hard because at times I have clear logic and other times I believe my thoughts completely! I actually started to see a different Doctor who seemed to understand more and was nice so I feel better about that. I am scared of going back to the Doctors though because I can't go back on antidepressants. My mum doesn't approve of Anti-depressants and I think it may take longer to try and see a counsellor than the time I would actually get to see one. I would like to see one again but seeing as though I only have 10 weeks left until I move back to spain im not sure. I may well go to the Dr and have a word.

Thanks for your reply, it helps me xx

[andrew]

Hi Laura,

Im not sure what to write so I'll keep it simple. Stop googling, try and stop fanning the flames of your anxieties. You are a good woman, you've been down this road already and won through. Being out of work and back at your mums has obviously put you under more stress and maybe you've lost your way a little. Try and remember the things that helped you 2 years ago. Stop analysing your anxieties so much, affirm yourself - that you are ok and this is your anxiety flaring up again. Do try and get some counselling or in a situation where you can hear your logical self speaking. And I dont know how busy your time is but try and get much busier and distracted.

And no doubt its hard work but look forward to Spain. Keep your chin up, you will get through this. You take care x

[hallam11]

I seem to just have slipped straight back into my old ways and that scares me because i was a mess before! I just feel all this pain and anger. I have to keep reminding myself that if i was a danger one of the 4 counsellors ive had would have stepped in or my doctor would have. Its just these thoughts and doubts that i'll just snap. When i was abroad i was fine - i could even talk to children sometimes! Only when i concentrated did i feel uncomfortable and that wasn't often. Now im home i have this guilt and this feeling of not wanting to let my mum down. We don't get on in some ways but in other ways we do and i love her a lot. Im just all jumbled up x

[andrew]

Hi Laura,

It does sound like you are being overwhelmed by your feelings at the moment. Maybe you could just try and accept that and not give yourself a hard time. Why not try and get some of those feelings out, have a cry, scream and shout, beat up that pillow. And you may have felt a mess before but your head was always sound and you coped and worked your way through it. And from reading your recent posts it seems youve built up to this point rather than slipped back to it. And Im not sure if any of that helps but sometimes its good to hear a different viewpoint. tcx

[hallam11]

Yeah I guess that makes sense that its built up - I did feel it slowly building as soon as I walked off the plane. I don't know why though..... I just can't seem to let go of it. As soon as I feel some relief from it I think "but you haven't come to a conclusion, you can't prove that you won't hurt a child and because you are angry at babies and children then you may well hurt one when you get a chance" I can't seem to get that out of my head.
Thank you for putting you viewpoint across! xxxxx

[hallam11]

Tomorrow afternoon I am going to see my doctor. I have never spoken to this doctor about my intrusive thoughts before and so I am slightly worried. I do get scared wondering what to say and how to say it. What if he doesn't understand them? I know he should be supportive but like i've seen in the past not all doctors understand.

Any tips?

[swanlinnet]

QUOTE "You know how those with health anxiety look up their symptoms on google and it makes them feel worse?"

Sure understand this I would not bother using Google if I were you. Just use it for other things.

[theharvestmouse]

Hallam, I think as others have said google can do more harm than good in this instance. Maybe try to focus on how you can combat these thoughts and try to find a GP who will take you seriously.