My name is Matt and I am in crisis (long post)
Hello to all,
My name is Matt and I am a 33yo male at my wits end. I am just going to write my entire story in hope of getting some help. Any advice from someone that could help would be much appreciated. This is a long post btw.
A quick history:
Early childhood ADD
OCD onset at 15yo
Hypochondria early 20's (I had overcame it)
Depersonalization/Derealization (I had overcome it about 3 years ago)
Obesity caused by stress full apprenticeship, trying to lose weight -
Obstructive sleep apnea caused by obesity. (Just started treatment with CPAP 3 days ago not going too well)
High blood pressure and high pulse rate caused by sleep apnea and obesity.
Have not seen a psychiatrist yet as they are still on holidays in this small town - have to wait 2 weeks. My meds are 50mg of Zoloft, kept forgetting to take it on and off during this time. My doctor increased it to 100mg and this is my sixth day on 100mg.
I have been going through some sort of mental health crisis but I can't quite put my finger on what is wrong. I am worried that it is a physical disease because it feels really neurological. I feel like my life is in danger (I am NOT suicidal BTW and never a danger to myself or others. I feel like I have a disease and it is threatening my life) and that my job is in jeopardy. I am an electrician and work for a supply authority. I have been working (relatively) mental illness free for about 2 years (prior to that I struggled through a four year electricians apprenticeship with OCD). It started 6 weeks ago on the last week of work before the holidays. Work had been a bit stressfull lately as my normal boss had been away, a colleague had died 2 months prior and I was given the task that week and 1 month prior to disconnect people's electricity for non-payment (you can imagine the abuse I'd cop for that!). It started with a strong feeling of brain fog - and Depersonalisation/derealisation, a feeling that I was not there and half conscious - this felt really medical. I also had this strange head feeling the whole time. In one week the holidays would start so I just thought I'd stick it out then I'd have three weeks off. I put these feelings down to my sleep apnea - I presumed it was causing these symptoms. The holiday came and I relaxed for the most part, still felt very spaced out and brain foggy but I just sat in front of the internet the whole time as therapy. I went to another city to visit my grand parents and the whole time I was there I did not notice the symptoms once for some reason. Came back down and the next day I was due to start work.
I woke up in a fog and panicked because I could just not face work. I called in sick for two weeks after going in and speaking to the boss - I felt really spaced out and not there when I was doing this. I was convinced this was a physical problem so I went to get tests done, blood tests came back relatively normal except for slightly raised white cell count and slightly raised glucose, doctor said it wasn't a problem.
Things seem to be getting worse and I just cannot face work. My sleeping patterns have been strange (going to bed at 12 midnight plus and getting up at 10am) the CPAP made me feel so bad when I tried it I haven't tried it again. I have a constant feeling of dread and anxiety and worse case scenario thinking. Anytime I manage to feel positive the thoughts are gone and replaced with the chemical anxiety for no reason. My perceptions are strange as sometimes I become aware of them and worry there is something wrong with them and the anxiety restarts. My hypochondria has come back - I beat that crap 5 years ago. I am worried that I have some sort of neurological brain disorder or schitzophrenia and that I am going to go completely mad. I keep googling symptoms to find an answer but there is none. I feel this strange groggy feeling in my head that becomes prominent when I turn my head. Tonight I was worried that I couldn't drive anymore but I drove to the hospital to see a nurse for a chat and drove there okay without an accident. I get alot of nonsense thoughts and feelings - that is why I am worried about psychosis. The last symptom I should mention is that my short term memory is shot and I have a very short attention span + feelings of depression. I feel like there is no way out of this, it seems futile, I just want to work again and wire up people's houses. I don't know if this is physical or mental.
Other symptoms I have though are: mild headache moving around head all day, pressure in eyes that becomes worse when I look extreme left or right.
The worse thing about all this though is the trying to figure out what is wrong and having anxiety come back - also when I get positive advice and feel hope that I can get well it only lasts for an hour and I have forgotten about it and am ruminating again.
If you have read this far thank you so much, I do not know what to do - I haven't been able to solve these problems so I was hoping that someone more experienced might be able to help. Thanks in advance for ANY advice.
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like other people have said, and from my personal experience I would think that anxiety is causing you all these feelings about your health. For example, I spent ten minutes trying to remember what day of the week it was and have convinced myself that I have Alzheimer's disease. I have also been experiencing extreme derealisation, but have managed to rationalize my feelings back to panic/anxiety (plus Alzheimer's is unlikely as i'm in my 20s).
