new here - please calm me down!!

[msadmn]

basically ive had a really horrible past 2 years due to my father dying of esophogeal cancer at 52, then i had to contest his will. these last few months ive had this unshakable feeling something isnt right, at first i thought i had lung pain/pleurisy and had a chest xray at a and e which they said was normal. i tried to ignore the pain which they said was muscular and it has mostly gone

But then i started getting a stabbing pain on and off around the front of my neck. the anxiety built up and up until i went to the out of hours doc. he felt my neck and said it felt fine throat a little red but but to go see the gp ( i wasnt registered as i had just moved ) he said my anxiety was really a problem and i needed to deal with my bereavement and get help asap

the next day i went to the drs and got some diazepam and mentioned my neck to the drs. she also checked my neck and my throat declated me fine but offered an ultrasound to make me feel better

i have private health so went the next day. the scan showed enlarged lymph nodes and a multinodular goitre, with 2 dominant nodules, 2cm and 1cm. he also tested my thyroid levels. They came back normal but he also mentioned some things were " a little high " but didnt say what. but he said i dont have any inflammation in my body and my thyroid is normal. however normal isnt good in this case because toxic goitres are almost never cancerous. cancerous nodules are normally euthyroid. So the endo recommended i go straight to biopsy and also meet with an ent surgeon next week so he can check everything else.

after spending 2 days dropping my bndle and googling furiously, i am kind of ok about thyroid cancer, its kind of treatable, and i shold be ok, even if they remove my thyroid.

however then i looked with a torch down my throat as ive felt one of my tonsols was biggee than the other. and it looks different, its lumpy while the other one is smooth. more googling and i cant find anything to make me feel better. i do smoke ( i did quit for a while ) and i plan to give up again but its a real crutch for my anxiety. i also have a scratchy back of my tongue/throat but my tonsils arent sore. im also getting freqent headaches and ive eaten hardly nothing since this all started with the ultrasond and stuff.

im taking 3x diazepam a day (2mg) and some days i am ok and i dont need it, other times i am double-dropping.

i just feel like something is wrong and has been with my health for a while. i should be happy and planning my future as i got paid my inheritance the day this all kicked off. but it all feels wrong and really i was going through the motions. other than paying my debts i havent touched the money. could this be depression?

ive also had sinus pressure for the past few weeks, i can breathe fine, tho i am sometimes swallowing a little bit of snot, none comes out of my nose. when i lay down the pressure is worse and i can feel the gunk move from one side to the other when i am asleep.

Also when i am almost asleep, i wake up with a big gasp and my heart goes fast. ive had palpitations for years but mostly have learned to live with them. i have a diazepam nearby if its really bad.


the anxiety goes in peaks and troughs... sometimes i just feel like i want to crawl out of my own skin asap and my body is dying.

has anyone been through this kind of health anxiety and reassure me?

[msadmn]

yes it is crap!!!

i am tryign to tell myself i probably havr some kind of sinus infection thats minor and long-standing, and that has made my lymph nodes get a little big and my tonsil look funny and its all just silliness. i guess i will find out when i see the ENT next week.

weirdly, i think googling sometimes helps - if the news is positive, i am trying to stay away from any negative stuff as much as i can and trying not to link symptoms up to make it bad/untreatable cancer. i keep telling myself that 2 gp's have looked at my throat and thinks its fine and sometimes one tonsil can be bigger than the other and its nothing serious.

i havent left the sofa for a week now and i think my OH has just had enough, ive had him and my sister yelling at me every time i see something and freak out and start shaking.. just now i found these big spots on the back of my tongue and thought it was cancer but theyre not theyre normal after a quick google image search. thank god.

sometimes i think i am ok, for around 20 minutes, but then it starts again over something else. what cancer now is a great username! its exactly how i feel - given my thyroid even if its cancer is a good cancer to have, i then started looking at tonsol and throat cancer and scared myself all over again!

[louise123_uk]

I have posted before about having one tonsil much bigger than the other: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=98651 I dont know if its aways been like this, but I do know it has for last 2 years at least and havent been diagnosed with anything sinister and my throat is also quite red all the time. My doc (well 2 docs and my dentist) say its individual variation and that some people can have one tonsil noticeably bigger than the other and that some peoples throats might just be redder than others. I spent a long time googling the tonsil thing as well and it seems this is what others have been told. So the tonsil issue doesnt have to be indicative of a problem. The palpitations also sound a bit like anxiety, I know my hear beats very fast sometimes when I am lying down, I think its the fact you are more conscious of it when your in bed and everything is quiet. I think the mouth/throat can be a scary area to worry about as accoring to my dentist, the mouth/throat constantly change day to day and you might have a red patch temporarily that then disappears after its done its jobs scaring you. I know the throat/oesophagus is a big worry area for me, I used to spend ages with mirrors angling in different positions trying to see areas f my throat. Since you've also had to deal with the death of your dad to oesophagal cancer worrries connected to this area will be particularly in your mind and must have been a terrible experience for you. xx

[msadmn]

hi louise, yes it was your post googling that brought me here !!! it was so good to read you post because it really reassured me...


i am now freaking out because i just googled to realise that sinus infections should have a high ESR and mine was normal... and now i feel a lymph node being up.. i think.. just below my ear feels full but nothing hurts to touch.. not a good sign. so my optomistic its just sinus infection theory just falls away and im panicking again.

my other half just doesnt understand and my sister just wants to stick her head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong.

i really really hope this is all in my head i really really want it to be.

[countrygirl]

I hope this helps - I have always always had one tonsil bigger and lumpier than the other. I have never had tonsiliitis that I know. The difference in mine is quite a lot as one is very small and smooth round and the other one is at least twice the size and lumpy all over.

About 6 yrs ago I noticed it and rushed off to Dr who looked and said " what am I looking at its normal to have different tonsils as you can get scar tissue from childhood infections. If you have not looked at your tonsils before then you may have had this since you were a child!

YOur ESR being normal is good sign as it means your body is not fighting bad infection, bad inflammation or some blood cancers!

Good luck with the biopsy, chances are its benign lumps that huge number of population have but never know ( I am ex thryoid advice charity advisor) and even worse case scenario as you know thryoid cancer is nearly always curable.

[swgrl09]

If it helps at all, I only have one tonsil, and it grew back. I had all of mine taken out as a toddler, and then only one grew back. It scared me so much but I guess it is normal, and tonsils don't always act the same. If just one tonsil is more swollen, you might just have sinus drainage or postnasal drainage that is irritating just that side. That happens to me occasionally.

Good luck, as others have said, with your biopsy. My mom had a benign goiter and had her thyroid removed, then she just took a pill every day to supplement it and had to get routine blood work annually. I think that was all she had to do for it after the surgery.

Also just wanted to add that they didn't originally take the thyroid out, I think hers just was growing over time and it eventually was too big. I was young though, I don't remember everything.

[purplehippo]

watching a relative die of cancer is so hard isnt it.I have HA too and my nan has been battling lung cancer and recently lost the fight.
Seeing her in such a bad way has traumatised me hence my relapse that coincided with her diagnosis around a year ago.
ever since ive convinced myself i have about 5/6 cancer types despite constant attempts at reassurance from my gp/s
i have blood tests twice weekly for a pregnancy related condition ,and they are fine but despite this i still convince myself i have advanced cancer ,ive had ultrasound scans but still dont bealive them. also i then just convince myself i must have a differant cancer instead .
sorry ive just totally run on about myself!
my throat has been red on and off for a few months,i also get the feeling mucus is at the back of my nose/throat like yourself and get sinus pain. so i also have throat cancer!!! mine started off cervical ,went to my bowel,and my liver ,is in my lungs ,and throat and now the blood and bones as ive been sweating at night and my knee aches .
When you look at it its pathetic isnt it that im still here!
i prescribed to bupa thismorning costing a fortune as put the whole family on the highest level of cover (its a waste of time really by the sound of it for me lol!) but if i sleep better at night ill do anything!

ive had simular before back in 06 i convinced myself i had cervical cancer and bowel cancer as i have ibs,i honestly thaught it was the end but with treatment i got better and lived a normal life again,you will too xx
How long have you been on the meds? i had citalapram before which helped alot.
hope you feel better soonxxxx

[victor jara]

Hi Msadmn,
I can relate to you in having something wrong and not knowing what it is. This is what I am doing now. I have tried to stop going onto google and diagnosing myself as I always come back to the worse case scenario which for me is mnd.
I also can relate to your anxiety dream when you just drop off to sleep. This happens to me a lot. I wish you well with your battle with anxiety but would just say be careful with the vallium. It will cause more problems than it solves.
Regards Victor.