Thought of harming others doesn't cause me panic..I am scared!!!

[cantabra75]

Hello
I have been a bit anxious all my life and i would say that a bit obssesive, but i guess with a balance... I started to be stressed after becoming a new mum, that was 4 years ago. I was constantly worring about my son, i was obssesed i would say!. I live in London and I dont have my family next to me to help me out so being a mum and adding that my son was a difficult baby ended up with hipocondria....apparently that was a way to concentrate n my self all day long instead of the rest of the world around me (like I used to) I would spent my working days googling symptoms, at home I stoped cooking or caring for my family i would check forums and visiting the GP nearly every week... It went out of proportion and at one point my GP suggested me that I had general anxiety...after a nearly whole year of hipocondria... anyway, she gave me citalopram and that was the beginning of my nightmare i would say... the week after i took my first pill was terrible!! I started to be very very depressed, crying, not wanting to get up from bed and the worst came on the 5th day. suddenly i looked at my son and like a flash in my head it came the image of strangling him.....Oh boy!! seconds after that it arrived my first ever full blown panic attack. That terrible thought kept on coming to my head giving me continous panics. It got so bad that just looking at my son would give me the panic, then just looking at his picture.... after those thoughts I started to have thoughts of killing myself (i guess out of guilt)
I had to leave everything behind and go back home with my family. It took me few months to calm down, also they changed my med for sertraline and also they gave me olanzapine (antipsicotic) i was in the mend for 9 months (sometimes with ups and downs) no scary thoughts just a bit of hipocondria, but a month ago they reduce my dosis of olanzapine and since then i have the thoughts of harming my son back again. It cause me anxiety, I try to let them in and let them go, but my main concerned now is: THE FACT THAT THEY DON NOT CAUSE ME A PANIC ATTACK IS GOOD OR BAD??? means that i dont care..... I am very confused.... Seems also that this has become an habit for my brain, and when I am anxious about something even if its the slightest thing this thoughts will appear.... What a life!!!

[Carys]

THE FACT THAT THEY DON NOT CAUSE ME A PANIC ATTACK IS GOOD OR BAD???

Hiyer

I think this is actually good; it means that you are dismissing the thoughts, they aren't causing the fear that they were in the past. You already know that these intrusive thoughts do not mean that you actually want to act on them, quite the opposite actually, and they have become something you have experienced and got through. Therefore, I think you know that they aren't something to get really worked up about, your brain has accepted them as part of your anxiety state. However, because you are prone to anxiety, you are now fearing that you don't feel fear, panicking because you are not panicking.

There have been numerous posts of here about invasive thoughts; of every type imaginable, and plenty more where people say 'they don't make me panic anymore, and so now I'm panicking'...

Hope this helps

[Stormsky]

They are just thoughts, and its so scary as its totally opposite of who you are... these intrusive thoughts are generally aimed at those we LOVE the most.... i had it once when my mum stayed over one night.... she'd gone to bed and i was downstairs and suddenly i just had the thought of I could kill her.... i neally passed out with the panic state i went into... i didnt sleep, and when morning came i just wanted to take her home, to get her away from me..... but i know I WOULD NEVER hurt her, or anything for that matter, i couldnt harm a fly.... thats why it scares us so much, because its against our nature of who we are.... the more it scares you the more the thought comes back... the more you push it away the more it comes back....
The reason you are not panicking so much now by the thoughts, is because YOU KNOW you wouldnt harm him, and you know its just a thought.... so its nothing to do with not caring and not being bothered by the thoughts now.... so its good that they dont cause panic now, as you are realising the thoughts for what they are.

[cantabra75]

Thank you for your quick response!!! So I should be happy then!!! they dont cause me panic because my mind knows is only a thought... I am progressing then... I guess i have a lot to learn cause I dont wanna go back to my high dosis of med I want to get rid of my olanzapine for good, is a sedative and is not solving the problem is just numbing it....

[Stormsky]

I found that i had my intrusive thoughts while on the meds !!!
i stopped taking meds 6 months ago....