Met a lovely man need to share some fears!

[capricorn234]

Hi everyone I have recently met a great guy after years of being quite happy single and working on myself and my OCD and BDD issues, I was not looking for anyone and did not think I could be with anyone again. Although it is early days and I feel on a bit of a high at meeting someone so lovely I am also full of self doubt and insecurity and need to share.

I know I have already discussed shame on here on a previous post and no matter how hard I am trying to accept myself as I am now, write, keep busy I am finding it really hard to get rid of the shame I feel about my past, I went throught a phase when very unhappy, of having lots of flings and losing it with men when they then didn't want to know me. Everytime I think about it I keep thinking what would he think of me, would he be disgusted like I feel inside. If this does go somewhere and it gets serious do I tell, because part of me wants to get this out as it feels like a horrible secret that eats away at me. Also do I mention the OCD etc? I am so different now and I know I was a real mess in the past and I know we all do things we regret...it's just spoiling my present happiness. Just good to get this all out...thankyou...Ellie

[Pipkin]

Hi Ellie,

So pleased things are looking up for you - it's great to meet someone you feel comfortable with and where you feel you can share things.

Not that I'm any relationship expert but from my point of view (a man's btw), I reckon we all have loads of things in our pasts which we're not proud of - I certainly have and I know that we're harder on ourselves than anyone else would be about these. I can't imagine that you've done anything that a lot of us haven't done at one time or another.

My view - try to relax and enjoy what you've got, taking one day at a time. If at some point you want to share some of your personal experiences, then go for it but there's no hurry. If you do, he will understand. For all you know, he may be asking himself exactly the same questions about things he's not too proud of. I believe a true relationship is about the good and the not so good and that's what makes it interesting. But, as I said, enjoy what you've got and try not to do what I always do and that's over-think everything which inevitably ends in me picking things apart instead of letting things take their natural course.

All the best and take care

Pip x

[Stormsky]

Ellie,
if he had a past similar to yours, would it bother you? even if you hadnt had lots of flings, would it bother you if he had?
Past is past, nothing to do with him...we all have regrets...
In time you may want to tell him everything,when someone becomes your best friend then the time may come when you tell all...
For now, just enjoy the beginnings of a new relationship.. there is no need to spill all!!

[sickandtired]

aw Ellie
I was the same....but probably worse...
I had a period of being very promiscuous and drinking,drug taking etc....
my husband who Ive been with for 17 years,knows about my past and accepts me for who I am now,though he is very anti drugs and would go mental if I touched them again.
You know,nearly everyone has a past,done something they arent very proud of.....
you cant change the past,but you can make sure you make the most of the present and future.
If it would make you feel better 'coming clean' then do so.Im sure he would respect you all the more for your honesty....but pick the right moment....maybe he has something he,s not too happy about in his past?
we,re only human and we all make mistakes....try and not beat yourself up about it and enjoy your new relationship.

[capricorn234]

Thankyou so much for all the lovely replies made me feel very emotional reading your lovely words. It is true that we judge ourselves so much and would never do that to others. I am going to try and just enjoy the now and try my hardest to forgive my past and practice letting go though I find it very hard. I have also felt bad about the OCD thoughts too but have said to myself this is OCD thinking and to also try to let that go. I have honestly been tormenting myself and have to stop this. Thankyou again you lovely lovely people...Ellie

[Stormsky]

Maybe you should look at a couple books ive read-

BRAIN LOCK - book for OCD
and
Youll see it when you believe it - by Dr Wayne Dyer. (love this book, re read it alot, hleped with all areas of dealing with life and letting go)

[ZD]

Hi Ellie , go girl you sound happy , let the past stay in the past you can't change it reading your post I thought I was reading about myself , but what I will say you can look to the future as an old chapter closes a new one is opening Hun , relax and enjoy your new man . Xxx
All my love
Zoe xx

[capricorn234]

Hi Eliana(that is my full name how funny).....thankyou for your reply. I have sent another thread since this one as I think I have cocked things up or maybe my imagination is working overtime today. Just don't know if I can be with anyone with all this insecurity and self doubt....feel dead sad tonight. Catch up soon and thankyou....Ellie.

[Muffin86]

Hi Ellie,

I hope my perspective will be of some help to you :-)

When I was 13 I was raped. It was an extremely traumatising experience for me and for years afterwards I felt that my body was 'dirty'. At the age of 17 I became sexually active, and I became what you might call 'promiscuous'

I felt that by sleeping with a lot of different men I could regain control of my sexuality, as that control was taken from me when I was raped. I also felt that my body was so contaminated that it didn't matter who I slept with, as the damage had been done. I did this for 4 years until I had a wake-up call and finally realised that my behaviour was making me unhappy. At 22 I met my boyfriend and I haven't looked back.

Meeting him has made me realise that I am not unlovable, and I am finally able to enjoy my sexuality with a man I love and trust. I have never told him exactly how many men I've slept with, but he says it's not important to him and that he doesn't care about my past. He loves me for me and understands that I am a different person now.

If your new boyfriend is the right one for you, he will accept your past :-)

[skategirl_8]

Just to comment on the OCD bit - I have always found that if I laugh a bit about it (even though it's hard to do sometimes!) others feel less freaked out by it. I did try and hide a lot of stuff from my new partner but the longer we've been together, it's cool. She just kind of accepts me for me...I do laugh a lot about it when I get all compulsive or have to do certain things, and I think that makes her feel less worried about it being a "mental illness". It's difficult though, as you don't want to downplay it TOO much, as it really can be a big deal!

Anyway, glad you've met somebody nice and hope it goes well xxx