Last Year in May my close friend fell off his motorbike and passed away I had known him since I was 15 and he died at 22, he had complained about not seeing me enough and I had spent a few hours with him 2weeks b4 but we had a petty argument and stopped speaking a week before he died. I was working when my phone started going off more than usual I went to read the messages and all I saw were people offering condolences for his death, I ran to the staff computer room and wrote on his Facebook wall asking why everyone was saying he was dead, his lil brother replied after couple minutes and sauce 'cz he is' all I remember doing was getting my bag and running out of work to his house.
I did cry a lot and was just shocked someone could just die, I wad angry at him for traveling 60mph on a 30mph hour road I was angry at him for not fighting ,he passed away a few metres from our mutual friends house and she watched for 45minutes as paramedics worked on him then she watched them cover his body all the while she was txin me telling me about this poor boy not knowing she had just watched our friend die,that to me was heartbreaking.We had his funeral 12days later and I said I wouldn't cry anymore, I held my friends hand as we spoke at his funeral and I helped my friends walk to the casket to view his body, I looked at him for so long then I touched him one last time, a month later my panic attacks started.
They just came from nowhere and I had to quit my Job, getting the tube to Uni became a task I dreaded then on x-mas eve I felt like there was no air in the room and before I could reach the window I blacked out, I was taken to hospital and had all blood tests,had urine samples taken ,24hr ECG and was told medically I was in great condition, they have now referred me to bereavement counseling.*
Some days are good and I thank God but some are bad, some nights I'm up till 3am and fall asleep because I'm exhausted I twist and turn feel like I'm gonna die and constantly put my hand on my chest to make sure it's beating (silly I know) but I need to keep telling my brain I'm fine, whats even more exhausting is waking up suddenly to the same feeling i just spent all night trying to get away from,my big sister is my rock and looked for this forum for me and she encourages me and tells me it will pass and when I'm having one I txt her and she reminds me to listen to music and breath but sometimes the feeling is overwhelming as if I'm actually about to die. What doesn't help is people putting RIP on their fb statuses and talking about death because I start thinking is it a sign that death is near and I get scared which makes my attacks seem soooo real, constant news on Whitney Houston doesn't help either now I have to avoid Facebook and the news because I don't want to think about death.
Mum doesn't understand why 'u get so worked up' she just thinks I worry about stupid stuff and should snap out of it, she's a great mum but just doesn't understand how I can get so worried that I pass out. I was just wondering if it's normal with anxiety to actually feel like death is coming aside from feeling immediate panic.
This forum is great ,I was starting to feel like I was nuts lol , sorry about the essay lool
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