Acceptance and love (and self-acceptance)

[eight days a week]

Snowgoose, thank you so much, I can't reply properly right now, but you made me cry. You have also brought me closer I think than I could ever hope to the answer to the question I asked...I will post more soon.

Years ago i had a boyfriend who was always compliamentry to me, always telling me how wonderful i was, etc etc... i never accepted it, because of my low self esteem of myself...and i guess didnt believe it.... he taught me to accept compliaments, he meant them, he saw things in me that i didnt.. (or didnt want to see for some reason)... what i am saying here is , that these girlfriends werent making it up, they werent saying these things just to make you feel good... if they see things in you, then its time you try accepting they may be true... that there are plenty of good things to see... not everyone out there is lying to you! so STOP IT means just that. and start appreciating the good in you and the good they see in you...
everyone knows the sayiing...you can receive 10 compliaments and 1 insult, and the only thing you remember is the insult... time to start concentrating on the compliaments !!!!

I understand that my friend and I have had enough years with loving partners to try all that you have said, over and over and over again. It just doesn't work for me, and I think there must be a lot like me. Our brains just don't allow us to, for whatever reason, even if we are educated and informed and pointed very firmly towards the right direction (just as you are doing). It's like an on/off switch in my head but the off doesn't work, it just leaves it on. There is no dimmer switch for me in this, or many other things :( It is just the way my mind works...

I am however very grateful indeed for your advice, not only for myself but for others. I'll bet that for every one of me there are 99 others who your suggested way forward will work for, and I'll also bet a lot of people will read this thread, so thank you

[kittikat]

always telling me how wonderful i was, etc etc... i never accepted it, because of my low self esteem of myself...and i guess didnt believe it.... he taught me to accept compliaments, he meant them, he saw things in me that i didnt.. (or didnt want to see for some reason)...
everyone knows the sayiing...you can receive 10 compliaments and 1 insult, and the only thing you remember is the insult... time to start concentrating on the compliaments !!!!

So very true Stormsky.....you always write so eloquently, have you ever thought of using your experiences to help others ie. counselling or therapy?

[Pipkin]

Hi Eight,

It's an interesting question you have posed and I've had a bit of a think about it before replying. I've been in a relationship for 8 years. I have never explained explicitly about my anxiety but left him to get to know me for who I am, good points and bad. I know he accepts and loves me, but I would hope not unconditionally which I don't think is healthy in a relationship (maybe in a parent/child relationship but I don't have kids so not for me to comment). He clearly sees my faults but recognises that the good outweighs the bad. When I say good, it's what he sees, not me as I sometimes struggle to find any positives in my personality. I had the worst period of anxiety since we've been together last month and he has been a star and very understanding and supportive, whilst giving me a kick when I needed it.

To answer your question, I don't think there's any doubt that a loving and supportive partner who accepts the good and the bad helps us to cope and find more enjoyment in life when sometimes there seems little to enjoy. Having someone else there gives an added purpose, something which is often lacking when you're at your worst. It also helps if that someone is strong enough to challenge you when all you want to do is stay at home and become totally absorbed in your anxiety. I'm not allowed to take to my bed when I'm feeling really bad. I get dragged out for a walk or downstairs to watch tv. I'm always presented with food too when I really don't feel like eating (my appetite is always the first thing to go). I hate it at the time but know I feel better afterwards.

Having said all that, I know that it's possible to live a fulfilling life without a partner. Family are very important (more to some than others, of course) but the most important thing is understanding yourself and accepting your own faults whilst recognising the positives. This is the most difficult thing of all but the one thing which makes the biggest difference, partner or no partner.

Not sure I've quite answered your question but thank you for raising it as it has made me reflect on a few things which I haven't thought about for a while.

Look after yourself

Pip

[Stormsky]

So very true Stormsky.....you always write so eloquently, have you ever thought of using your experiences to help others ie. counselling or therapy?

aghhhh thankyou kittikat....my friends always say i should be a counseller! and i have looked at courses...

[kittikat]

aghhhh thankyou kittikat....my friends always say i should be a counseller! and i have looked at courses...

So what are you waiting for....go for it

[Stormsky]

I am however very grateful indeed for your advice, not only for myself but for others. I'll bet that for every one of me there are 99 others who your suggested way forward will work for, and I'll also bet a lot of people will read this thread, so thank you

thankyou for your kind words...
i truly hope you can learn to accept the love you so obviously deserve.xx

[Idstain]

gah, it's hard not to sound cheesy when i say this but self-compassion and self-acceptance changed my life.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-compassion

"Research indicates that self-compassionate individuals experience greater psychological health than those who lack self-compassion. For example, self-compassion is positively associated with life-satisfaction, wisdom, happiness, optimism, curiosity, learning goals, social connectedness, personal responsibility, and emotional resilience. At the same time, it is negatively associated with self-criticism, depression, anxiety, rumination, thought suppression, perfectionism, and disordered eating attitudes"

this is an excellent book on the topic http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Path...9638094&sr=8-2

[Connor_cbt]

There is a thing Karl Rogers (the founder of humanistic therapy) called
unconditional positive regard, he believed that for a therapeutic relationship to
be effective the therapist should make the client feel completely accepted warts
and all. He called it a kind of non possessive love, and after seeing an old video
of him counselling a women as part of a demonstration I couldn't help but think,
I wish you could teach people to do that to themselves and i would be right at
the front of the queue!

Maybe we are living with unrealistic expectations of life/ourselves and the fact
that reality doesn't match up with what we believe it should be, it causes pain?

Ever since I started to experience anxiety, I started to want to figure out how
and why i was feeling this way so i took an open university course in
psychology (knowing that i could never sit the final exam.) and later a course
in social science and it really opened my eyes... but i barely scratched the
surface and I think learning about it but not actually experiencing it, left me
with more questions than answers unfortunately!

[robinbrum]

I find quite a lot of this resonates with me. I chose to be on my own these days not because I want to but because the anxiety and depression prevent me from getting really close to anybody. I've found a lot of the women I have been with to be pretty needy people too and I tend to attract these kind of women when the truth is I have too many problems of my own to be somebody else's rock. For years I always put them first at the expense of myself.
Anxiety, when its really severe, isolates you from the people around you. It can make you very egocentric too, constantly obsessed with your own thoughts and feelings. I like to think I am considerate of others but the thought of a relationship is not something I could contemplate at present, the responsibility of it is too much for me.
And that makes me sad...I guess others feel the same way too.

[kashameets]

I also dont think its healthy to have unconditional love in a partnership as we do have conditions like they must treat you right, not cheat, dont lie and so on, i think the only time unconditional love is ok is between a parent and child, a child may do something that is terrible and a parent might not be able to forgive the child or even like the child but they do normally still love them

As you already know Pete i have a husband that accepts me for me, i met him in a chat room and told him straight away about my anxiety, agoraphobia, social phobia and ocd even before i met him as they are part of me so i saw no point in pretending.
Yes he accepts me and my 'faults' but i also accept his.... no one is perfect, we all have are own baggage that we carry..... if you were to meet someone she too will have things shes not happy with but you would love her no different...... If you met someone who you really liked and she was caring, thoughtful, loving, understanding but she had depression or ocd or some other mental health issue would you not accept her and walk away? would those things out weigh all the good you could see in her? NO you would accept her for her and see past all the other stuff

So as i know you think logically, if YOU could see past faults then so could someone else see past what you think yours are