I thought I would just post a piece I wrote about the difficult process of meeting others through my anxiety, I hope it helps someone in some way.
Take care Paul
Don’t worry about how you come across to others
This was one of the things I struggled with during my recovery. I was so keen to come across as normal that I would hold on to myself, hoping that I would not crack and that people would not notice how strange I felt. Most of the time, I would just try to avoid meeting people, full stop.
I just told myself not to care how I came across in front of others. If I came across as strange, then so be it. When I recovered, they would see the real me. This avoiding was getting me nowhere. It felt strange at first trying to accept feeling odd in front of people, but I did it, and once I had told myself not to care how I came across, I did feel better. It was like releasing a cork from a bottle and I no longer felt I had to keep a grip on myself.
I stopped feeling like two people, one trying to hold a conversation and the other watching myself and my reactions. This in turn allowed me to feel more involved in the conversation. I did this in every situation, however I felt, and I found it got easier and easier, and with my other teachings I was able to overcome this part of my anxiety.
This is a very good example of changing a habit; a lot of anxiety is habit, habits that need to be reversed. I had avoided so long this avoidance had become me. I reversed this by ignoring what my body was telling me to do and just went forward anyway. In time this then became my new habit, it became less strange and easier to put myself in the front line of battle, I had gone through my fears faced the bogey man head on and finally achieved something. This realisation help me with so many other parts of my anxiety, I realised I did have some power over the way I felt and I could take some control.
Eventually I learnt to stop worrying about how I came across to others. I stopped holding on to myself and putting on an act, hoping I could bluff my way through. I let go, despite how I came across and, for the first time, I could follow a little of the conversation. I did not crack like I thought I would. Through letting go, I relieved some tension and felt more at ease. I had been convinced that I had to hold on to myself, otherwise I would crack and the game would be up. How wrong I was. I still felt tense and strange during conversation, but I was okay. I was told that I had to go through this many times before I felt more in touch with reality. Even if you give strange answers, just let go and do not worry about how you come across to others.
www.anxietynomore.co.uk
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