ROCD...backdoor spikes...denial...unsure
Over the last few feels, I've noticed more then a few OCD tendencies that I've had. Fear of germs, harm, hoarding, obsessive thoughts. But none of this seemed to have bothered me and I've managed to get on with my life and life it perfectly normal...until now...
I was on the flip side of ROCD for years without even realizing it. Slowly becoming obsessed with my boyfriend, worrying about where he was when he wasn't around me, who he was with, who he was talking too, whether or not he loved me. I started hated having him away from me, wanting him to spend all this time with me.
But I put it all off as my need to control a situation since all the crap I had ...to go through in highschool being tormented by people who had once been my friends. (They couldn't take my OCD and at the time they never bothered to know my behaviour wasn't controlled by me and instead spent the last six years tormenting me and harassing me)
But I loved him. I knew I did. He was my sunshine in my world of darkness. It never stopped me from being loving. But in November my thoughts changed, all the sudden "He's not attractive" popped into my head when I know this is stupid. He's so handsome. My friends all thought he wasn't but I always thought he was. Comparing him to other peoples boyfriends and I thought I had the best looking one out of everyone I knew.
This lasted for a while, then went away. Then at the end of January they started again. This time it was so bad I spent weeks pacing and pulling my hair, but I couldn't cry. I still can't besides a few tears here and there. I started taking Effexor Xr and for a while the thoughts were bad but they started to quiet.
But now that I'm not getting any anxiety does that mean I'm getting better or were my thoughts real? I know this is sometimes seen as backdoor spikes. All I want to do is return to the woman I was before. Sure it annoyed my boyfriend for me being so paranoid about him and such but that felt normal to me and I want to deseperately be her and not this stranger.
My boyfriend says I should accept this new me. That he and I will both work through this. He's the only person I've ever pictured in my life and now it's bothering me. Although I am slightly happier I was before the doubts are still there. I wish I could cry, crying always made me feel better but I can't seem too...what does that mean? I don't know.
It's gotten bad that I thought of suicide. But then I remember my promise to my boyfriend not too...I had a crappy life, and I thought it was just getting better...and now this is thrown my way...
I can't even seem to keep up my appearance, I use to be obsessed with not letting my boyfriend see me without my hair straight and that and for the last two weeks I haven't been able to have the mental strength to want to keep up my appearance at all....
I'm not a riligious woman, far from it, but I've been praying everynight. I would rather have my OCD latch onto something else other then this...
the effexor XR i'm on is the lowest dose, 37.5mg and I'm thinking maybe I should have it upped during my next doctors appointment? But at the same time I'm scared of having it upped...all I want is to forget all this like it had never happened...
And love my boyfriend without questioning myself.
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