I hope nobody minds me ranting here, but I really need some kind words of somebody.
My partner has been a heavy drinker and smoker for a few years, and always a liar (only about silly things like what time he got to the pub and how many he's had). Anyway, I stuck with him, I believed he would change, come off the alcohol and be a better person. At times he's made a really big effort.
So far this year my Dad has died leaving me parentless, I had a colposcopy for precancerous cells, I've been the worst ever with panic and anxiety and I feel like I have a little post natal depression.
In the last few weeks my partner has been lying about how much he's had to drink and wetting himself at night and his attitude is just to shrug his shoulders and say he doesn't care anymore, he doesn't want to be with me, I'm this and that. Then the next he's all apologetic and going to change. He's not a physical bully, but a mental one.
My one friend I have left has told me to leave him and start afresh, so has a colleague at work. But I'm so scared. I am so bad with anxiety at the moment and panic that I'm scared to be on my own and in the house on my own, especially with the two kids and trying to hold down a full time job.
Common sense tells me they are right, but when I tried to explain to my eldest son who is five, he said "I want daddy, I hate you". Can you imagine how I felt, so I stay in an unhappy house.
I'm fortunate enough that the house is all mine, but if he went he would refuse to see the kids, and I'd never get out because there is no one I know who could or would babysit, I'd have no adult conversation after work and no chance to unwind.
I do love him - the nice him, but not the last two weeks him. I feel really tearful all the time - how could someone who I took in and did so much for and care for be so cruel to another human being, especially when he knows how low I am and what I've been though this year. Earlier this year he said we'd beat my anxiety together, yesterday he said I put it all on to trap him. We've been together 13 years and have two kids - he did all the running.
The alcohol is the major issue here as when he's sober is a nice person, but just lately he's been influenced by his workmates who have no lives and bunking off work to sit in the pub - even driving after.
I've rambled on, and I'm not sure what I want to achieve by writing this, I guess I just need to talk to others who understand how my mind works as opposed to those who know what I should do, but not the dilema which comes with anxiety, panic and lonliness.
Ruth
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